


Beavis and Butt-Head Do South Park

by Dildeto



Category: Beavis and Butt-head, South Park
Genre: Gen, Peruvian Flute Bands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-15 21:18:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5800471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dildeto/pseuds/Dildeto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ms. Cartman has some important business in Highland, Texas, and leaves her son with two capable babysitters. Written by me and my friend Rendar, who lacks an account. Now finished, we will go back and rewrite some of the older chapters eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Search for Stewart

**Author's Note:**

> Can be found on fanfiction.net!
> 
> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749773/1/Beavis-and-Butt-Head-Do-South-Park

A peaceful morning settled over the simple Texas town of Highland as a car with Colorado plates pulled into the Butt-Head residence. From the car emerged Ms. Cartman and her wonderful son. Ms. Cartman rang the doorbell.

After a short delay, the door swung open to reveal two handsome teenagers, Beavis and Butt-Head. Both were enamored with their guest's chest.

"Woah, check it out Beavis. A hot old chick."

"Yeah! Check out her boobs, Butt-Head!"

Ms. Cartman decided to ignore their babbling and move on to business.

"You boys are going to take good care of my precious little angel while I'm here in Texas, now won't you? Beavis, your mother and I have some serious business while I'm here, so I have to trust you not to bother us."

Beavis nodded in deep understanding as he picked his nose. "He's safe with us, ma'am."

Butt-Head was concerned with other things. "We're getting paid two whole dollars for this, right? Alright ma'am, where's the baby?"

Recognition flashed across Beavis's face. "You said hole," he wisely pointed out, while snickering furiously.

Cartman decided to stop poking dog shit in the yard with a stick and see who his babysitters were. He was glad to see that they were not gingers nor appeared to be Jewish. He figured that perhaps, they would be easy to manipulate because they were younger than his usual babysitters, although there were two of them. "Two babysitters? Fuckin' weak, dude," he observed.

Beavis and Butt-Head seemed shocked at the use of profanity by this child, and decided immediately that he was cool.

"Woah, cool, check it out Beavis, we can't even say that word," Butt-Head intelligently quipped.

"Hey Butt-Head, maybe we can say that now! Let me try. Uhh… ****. Dammit, it still doesn't work."

As Cartman realized that his time being babysat might actually kick ass, his mom decided it was time to get going. "I hope you boys have fun, and remember that my sweet Eric needs to be in bed by 8:30. Here's some money for food and to go bowling." With that, she went back to her car and drove off to rendezvous with Beavis's mother, leaving the three alone to become more acquainted.

* * *

Beavis, Butt-Head, and Eric Cartman are all watching in amazement, as the nearby bowling alley was ablaze.

"Fire! Fire! FFFFFFFFFire!" Beavis exclaimed. He was overjoyed at being able to say this again. He was free.

Cartman felt free, too. He was really enjoying his babysitters. No other babysitter would let him burn down a building, even a useless one like Whole Foods. "You guys are so awesome! We should burn down Kyle's house next!"

"Uhhh, who's Kyle?" Butt-Head queried.

Cartman was enthusiastic to tell Butt-Head exactly what Kyle was really like. "Kyle is a stupid cheap Jew asshole, and if there's anyone who deserves to have their house burned down, it's him."

Beavis and Butt-Head were convinced of this. Butt-Head was reminded of other stuff that sucks. "Kyle sucks," he spoke in his infinite wisdom.

Cartman smiled and said, "Yes, he fucking sucks!" He paused. "But how are we going to get to his house all the way back in South Park? Do you guys have a car or something?"

"Uhhhh, no." Butt-Head said, as he struggled to remember failing his driving test.

Beavis remembered Stewart talking about getting his driving permit and decided to speak up. "Ummmm, Stewart could take us." He scratched his butt a few times.

"Who's Stewart?" Cartman asked.

"Stewart sucks!" Beavis began ranting. "He sucks! He sucks!"

Cartman trusted Beavis's judgement on the matter. "Okay, but we need to use him to drive us around. Where would this little butthole be?"

"Uhhh, oh, he's probably at school, being a little wussy," Butt-Head thought, another moment of his immense brilliance shining through.

The school situation dawned on Cartman. His school was due to be closed for a couple more days after another UFO crashed nearby in the town, so he failed to consider Beavis and Butt-Head even had school. "You guys skipped school today to help me burn down a fuckin' bowling alley? AWESOME!"

"Yeah little dude, we are pretty cool," Butt-Head pointed out.

* * *

At the school, Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman wandered around, looking for Stewart. Principal McVicker noticed them and began sweating profusely. It was when he noticed a third member in their party that he really started to lose it. This kid looked as terrifying as Beavis and Butt-Head, but he had intelligence behind his eyes. It turned his blood ice cold at the thought of such a being. He felt the urge to destroy him. To kill him. But as a principal he knew he had to get the students to class, so he suppressed his fears and anger.

"Uhhh, oh no. You boys stop right now! Uhhh, you little bastards need to get to P.E. immediately! Coach Buzzcut is going to teach you a lesson for skipping! Especially that fat kid with you."

Cartman was wary of this stranger, and didn't appreciate immediately being called fat. "I AM NOT FAT YOU DONKEY RAPING SHIT EATER!" He squared up to McVicker, ready to attack if further provoked.

"Uhhhh, I don't have time for this, get to P.E. right now!" McVicker screeched, as he grabbed Beavis and Butt-Head by the ears and pulled them to P.E. Cartman opted to follow them since he figured he could help bust them out easier.

* * *

Coach Buzzcut was not pleased with Beavis and Butt-Head skipping his class for the third time this week. He was about to give them a piece of his mind when he noticed a kid following them around. "BEAVIS! BUTT-HEAD! WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT A CHILD INTO YOUR MESS?"

Butt-Head was ready with an answer. "Uhh, we're babysitters."

"Yeah! We're getting paid," Beavis added.

Buzzcut was concerning himself over the child's safety. "WHAT MAKES YOU TWO MISERABLE BAGS OF ATROPHY THINK YOU ARE CAPABLE OF HANDLING ANOTHER PERSON?! YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE YOURSELVES!"

Cartman didn't really care that insults were being hurled at his new companions, but this was slowing their progress. "Hey asshole, we were doing just fine until that dickhead principal showed up! We didn't even want to be in this fuckin' dump!"

Buzzcut was steaming. This little fat kid was yelling at him?! Who did he think he was? "Well, chubby! Maybe you should be joining your miserable little friends in some exercises! Get the hell over there with the other kids and climb the ropes!"

"YOU THINK I'LL LISTEN TO YOU AFTER YOU CALL ME CHUBBY?! You can go fuck yourself!" Cartman screamed as he sat down right on the spot, arms crossed, refusing to move. This only served to make Buzzcut more pissed off.

"GET YOUR FAT ASS UP A ROPE RIGHT NOW! I DON'T CARE IF YOU AREN'T ONE OF MY STUDENTS! GET GOING, NOW NOW NOW!"

Cartman didn't move from where he was sitting. "You can't make me, fuckin' prick!"

Buzzcut's face was bright red. "THE HELL I WON'T MAKE YOU!" He grabbed Cartman by the back of his red coat and threw him high up at the rope, forcing Cartman to grab it.

Cartman gripped the rope for dear life, scared but still very much pissed off. "WHAT THE FUCK, DICKHOLE! I'm just a little boy! You can't fuckin' do this to me!"

Before anyone could respond, the bell rang. Cartman fell, landing hard right on Beavis, who was standing almost directly below him.

"Ahh! Get this kid off of me Butt-Head!" Beavis cried out.

Butt-Head thought about how Beavis cried out like a little baby for a moment, then resumed laughing at him.

"Hey Beavis, you cried!" he said, as he laughed hysterically.

Beavis was still squirming on the floor. "Shut up, Butt-Head!"

Beavis pushed Cartman off of him, and he landed with a thud. Cartman was on the verge of tears, but managed to hold it in. He needed to show his babysitters he was tough; and also not show weakness in front of Buzzcut, who was still watching nearby.

"YOU PATHETIC WASTES OF FLESH ARE LUCKY THE BELL RANG AND SAVED YOU! IF I HAD ANY MORE TIME, TUBBY OVER THERE WOULDN'T BE SO TUBBY ANYMORE!"

Cartman was still feeling embarrassed from his P.E. experience and remained flopped on the ground, but still whispered a "fuck you" towards Buzzcut.

* * *

Butt-Head was dragging Cartman around by his leg to Mr. Van Driessen's room when they all noticed music coming from his door. "Oh no, he's singing again."

"Come with me, Lesbian Seagull. Settle down and rest with me. Fly with me, lesbian seagull..."

Beavis was bracing himself to enter the room. "Oh boy, here we go."

The music stopped as soon as he opened the door. Mr. Van Driessen decided to greet them all. "Oh, hello, Beavis and Butt-Head! Oh! And who did you bring with you to join us today?"

Cartman was shocked and utterly disgusted. Standing before him… His ultimate enemy, aside from gingers. And Jews. And minorities. A hippie! Not only was he a hippie though, he was a hippie teacher! He jumped up and stood in horror for a few moments. "Oh my God. Are you guys seeing this bullshit? There's a goddamn HIPPIE teaching a fucking class!"

"Now now young man, hippie or not, I am still a teacher and I would appreciate it if you had a seat so I could begin my class, m'kay. You can sit next to Beavis and Butt-Head in the back," Van Driessen gestured towards their respective seats.

Cartman took a threatening step towards Van Driessen. "I do NOT take orders from dirty hippies! All you guys do is smoke weed and smell bad!" He grabbed a ruler off the desk and began smacking Van Driessen in the shins with it.

"Oww! You need to sit down right now so I can wrap up this lesson on Hispanic culture. Today we get tacos to celebrate the end of this lesson, m'kay," Van Driessen said, as he pulled wrapped up tacos out of a bag.

"Oh wow, that dirty skank Jennifer Lopez ate tacos every day! If only that Mexican bitch were here now..." Cartman commented before looking around the room for a marker to write on his hand.

Van Driessen was starting to lose his patience a little more with his class guest. "That's enough snooping around. It's high time I started class for today, so please have a seat or I will have to send you three to the principal's office."

"Shut up, buttmunch! He's going to give us free food." Butt-Head whispered to the still flustered Cartman.

Cartman weighed his options (breaking the metaphorical scale because he is fat). He could either stay in this asshole hippie class and learn absolutely nothing but get free food or leave and not waste time nor get free food. He went for the third option, which was to grab all the tacos and run. He pulled it off spectacularly, leaving Van Driessen, Beavis, and Butt-Head behind. Beavis and Butt-Head immediately decided that this was cool, and walked out of the room after him, giggling.

On the contrary, Van Driessen was unimpressed. He began chasing Cartman, yelling, "Hey little boy! Where are you going?!" He had the homefield advantage from working at the school for so long and knew the layout of the building well.

Cartman wasn't sure where he was going and just ducked into a random room. It happened to be the teacher's lounge. Unfortunately for him, Coach Buzzcut, Principal McVicker, and the school janitor were all in there having a good smoke. Figuring he was busted, be began stuffing his face with as many of the tacos as he could before someone tried to stop him.

Van Driessen finally caught up to the boy and froze as he took in the sight before him. Everyone in the room was gawking at both of them, looking confused. Principal McVicker decided to finally take some action to eliminate the new threat in his school before it became more of a problem. "Uhhh, everyone to my office RIGHT NOW! Uhhh."

* * *

Van Driessen, Buzzcut, Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman all crammed into Principal McVicker's office, as he sat behind his desk, shaking violently.

"Uhhhh Beavis and Butt-Head! I would expect you boys to cause problems, uhhh, but now you've added this young man to your group and he's acting even worse than you. If you, uhhh, sons of bitches don't shape up, you'll be expelled! You are sentenced, uhh, to cleaning the teacher's lounge because that little fat kid with you made a mess with that, uhhh, food Van Driessen gave you."

"Damn it, we don't have time for this. We need to find Stewart so he can drive us places," Butt-Head argued.

Cartman wasn't going to clean the lounge anyway, but remembered a crucial detail about what was going on in his hometown. "Maybe it's best we don't go to South Park yet, goddamn hippie music festival is supposed to be going on… That's why I wanted to go with my fucking mom anyway."

This caught Van Driessen's attention. He decided to pry for further information. "Music festival? That sounds like a lot of fun! Principal McVicker, would I perhaps be able to take my class there on a field trip tomorrow? After the boys clean the teacher's lounge, of course."

McVicker saw this as a perfect opportunity to get all the people causing him trouble out of the way for a while at once, and decided to grant this request. "Uhhh, all right, but the teacher's lounge better be spotless, uhhh. If not, Beavis and Butt-Head will be expelled!"

* * *

"Dammit I don't wanna clean! This sucks! I'm going to go home and spank my monkey," Beavis objected and kicked a nearby trash can.

Butt-Head slapped him. "Shut up dillhole, field trips kick ass! Let's make this kid do it. We are his boss."

"Gentlemen," Cartman spoke. "Didn't you mention a little pussy by the name of Stewart? Why can't we make him do this?"

"Woah! That's pretty cool," Butt-Head exclaimed, shocked by the genius Cartman had shown.

Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman all decided to resume their search for Stewart. Cartman couldn't wait to find out what this little boner was like. He pictured a Jewish ginger, then realized he was just imagining that fucking daywalker Kyle.

"Damn, this Stewart guy must be a little bitch, right Beavis?" Cartman asked, now curious about who he would be meeting.

This question was met with enthusiastic confirmation from Beavis. "Yeah! Stewart still owes us porn, too." He reached up and picked his nose again.

The mention of porn reminded Butt-Head of a possible location of Stewart. "Uhh, I bet that little wiener is in the library."

The trio made their way to the library, hoping that Stewart was there, possibly with internet porn to share.


	2. Chicken Nuggets

Stewart was busy in the library, trying to find out how to stop wetting the bed every night. Yahoo answers sure was useful. He was so focused on reading an in-depth answer that he didn't notice a particular trio closing in behind him.

Cartman was the first to notice what Stewart was up to and had no problems pointing it out to anyone within earshot. "Oh my God you guys, look! Stewart is looking up how to not piss his bed!"

Stewart's face went quickly to a bright red, then purple, as he felt tears welling in his eyes. He held them back as best he could. Beavis and Butt-Head's snickering at him didn't make it any easier. Stewart decided to put on a strong face. "Hey you guys…What's up?"

Cartman laughed and gleefully said, "Oh wow, it's like you guys have your own personal Butters! You even have the same hair color!"

Butt-Head scratched his ass. "Uhhh, who's Butters? Sounds like a real buttmunch."

"Butters is such a little douche, you'll probably meet him when we get back home," Cartman answered him.

Stewart began sweating nervously, ready to leave his situation. "What did you guys want me for anyway?"

"Uhh, get us that porn you owe us," Butt-Head politely requested.

"Yeah! PORNO! PORNO!" Beavis chanted. "Hey Butt-Head, what if he found like, porno with FIRE! Like, a hot chick is getting screwed, and umm, there's fire everywhere!"

"Woah, that sounds cool, Beavis," Butt-Head was thoroughly impressed.

Cartman didn't care about seeing naked chicks, however. "Did you guys forget why we found this douche in the first place? We need him to clean the goddamn teacher's lounge for us!"

Butt-Head decided to keep him in line. "Woah dude, we're your babysitters. Shut up little baby, we need to get our porn."

"YEA-UHHH! PORNO! PORNO!" Beavis continued, excited to see naked chicks and fire together.

Cartman remained disinterested in seeing naked chicks on fire, and was now pissed off at Butt-Head's attempt to keep him in line. He decided to take matters into his own hands. Grabbing a large dictionary off the table nearby, he began smashing it into the computer monitor, cracking the glass.

"Woah, that was cool!" Beavis said gleefully. "He like, totally kicked its ass!"

"No Beavis, now we can't get porn. This sucks!" Butt-Head said sadly. "Uhhh, wait a minute," he continued after having an epiphany. "There's more computers over there." He pointed towards other computers setup nearby.

"No way you fucking assholes! We need to get that room cleaned!" Cartman cried, as he began smashing every computer in the room. Glass and plastic littered the floor of the library as Cartman stood triumphant over his carnage.

The resulting commotion was enough to wake up the librarian, who looked upon the scene in pure terror. "What have you boys done!"

Butt-Head decided to pin the blame on Stewart, since he was in the library first. "Uhhh, Stewart did it, ma'am."

Cartman decided to back him up. He began fake sobbing while sitting in the middle of the floor. "I was so scared! Stewart just got so mad and started smashing everything!"

The librarian was moved by this display of emotion and went to comfort him. "It'll be okay, little boy. Stewart will be sent to the principal's office now to answer for what he's done."

Cartman spoke up again, continuing the sobbing. "But he's supposed to clean up the teacher's lounge for eating all my tacos!"

Rage welled up in the librarian. She pointed at Stewart and began yelling at him. "How could you do this to a little boy? Go clean up the teacher's lounge RIGHT NOW and then report to the principal's office!"

Stewart failed to hold the tears back at this and finally began crying. "But I didn't do anything! I swear! It was the kid with Beavis and Butt-Head!"

The librarian sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Whatever, just go clean the teacher's lounge like you're supposed to and then go to the principal's office."

* * *

Stewart had calmed down a bit and was working on restoring the teacher's lounge to its former glory. Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman were hanging around in the room to make sure he got it done.

Cartman decided to reinforce his earlier threat of blackmail to speed Stewart up. "If you don't hurry, we'll have to tell everyone that you wet your bed."

"No! Don't do that! Alright alright, I'll hurry!" Stewart said, his Winger shirt soaked in his own tears.

This response was satisfactory to Cartman, so he decided to relax. He opened another bag of Cheesy Poofs and began spinning around in one of the chairs behind the table.

Butt-Head was busying himself with kicking the vending machine in hopes that more free food would fall to the bottom, but was having no luck.

Beavis had given up on eating taco pieces off the floor. He found a lighter left behind by one of the faculty members and was fidgeting with it.

"Hey check it out Butt-Head! Ffffire! Fire! FIRE!" Beavis said, eagerly sparking the lighter, not quite able to get it to work.

"Woah!" Butt-Head said, scrambling to look at the lighter. He was unable to get it to light, too. "This sucks, must be like, broken or something."

"Stupid lighter," Beavis muttered. He tossed the lighter into a trash can with extreme vigor. "BUNGHOLE!" Beavis roared.

Unbeknownst to the group, the lighter had flicked on when it collided with the inside of the trash can, igniting the papers at the bottom.

McVicker chose this moment to check on how the progress was going with the teacher's lounge. "Uhhhh, wow! Great job boys. I never expected uhhh, this much progress from you. This place is spotless!"

Butt-Head thought about the great job they did and commended himself. "Yeah, uhh, I worked really hard. I deserve to get paid or like, something."

Beavis agreed. "Yeah, me too, sir."

"Uhh, well, school is out now, uhh, so you boys can head on home." McVicker said, eager to get them out of the teacher's lounge. He had an after school spanking session he wanted to get to and needed privacy. Unknowingly to anyone, the fire in the trash can had erupted, spreading to the curtains behind everyone. Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman left the room, ready to get the hell out of school.

After they left the room, McVicker sat down to wait for Ms. Cartman to arrive and spank his naughty principal ass. That was when he smelled the smoke coming from the curtains. He turned and screamed.

"UhhhAHHHHH! BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD YOU ARE EXPELLED!" he yelled, as he ran out of the room. Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman however, had already left the school. They walked away from the school as it entirely erupted into flames.

* * *

"That sucked," Butt-Head correctly assessed. "School is stupid."

"High school is fuckin' weak!" Cartman said, unaware of their actions in burning down the school. "I'm also getting kinda hungry."

"Uhh, we could go to Burger World," Butt-Head suggested.

"No way Butt-Head, I don't want to go to Burger World. We didn't go to work last week and our boss is gonna be pissed."

"Whatever, I like KFC best anyway. We could go there," Cartman offered.

Butt-Head scratched his nads. "Uhhh, we don't have a KFC here."

"What the FUCK guys?! No KFC? What the fuck is wrong with this place?!" Cartman angrily screamed.

Beavis was pretty pissed off too. "This place sucks! All there is, is Burger World! I hate it! I hate it! I WILL NOT GO TO BURGER WORLD!"

* * *

The walk to Burger World wasn't a long one, since the school was fairly closeby. They noticed Todd down the street. Todd had caught Stewart earlier and had knocked him into a trash can. He was currently pounding the trash can with a baseball bat as Stewart cried in fear. Beavis and Butt-Head admired from down the street, looking up to how their idol terrorized that little wiener Stewart.

"That guy, is THE COOLEST!" Cartman shouted, as he stared dreamily at the scene before him with Beavis and Butt-Head. They had finally found something that all three could completely agree on. Todd ruled.

"Todd is so cool," Butt-Head agreed.

Todd finally took notice of the three. He stopped terrifying Stewart and turned around to face them. His biceps glistened in the sun as he stared at the trio through his dark colored sunglasses. "What are you dweebs doing here?"

Butt-Head stood in awe of their great shining knight and managed to muster the bravery to speak with him. "Uhhh, can we join your gang now?"

Beavis stood radiating in the aura of awesomeness that Todd gave off. (Or is that his bad smell? NO TODD SMELLS MANLY *AN: Authors revolt haha)

Todd's extremely powerful mind worked quickly as he came up with a way to get these punks away from him. "Sure, you can join my gang, but you need to do me a favor."

Beavis was prepared to do anything for his lord. "Okay, What is it?"

Todd grabbed Beavis and Butt-Head by the fronts of their shirts. "I want you turds to go to Burger World and get me some damn food."

"Sweet, we were going to go there anyway," Cartman replied.

"You need to get me the 50 piece chicken nugget meal with onion rings. Get some hot sauce too. Not the mild sauce either, that's for little bitches like you guys. Get the extra spicy sauce."

Cartman stood in awe, thinking that such an amazing person had great taste in food. Todd ordered just as much food as Cartman would.

They decided to hurry on their journey to Burger World, since they didn't want to keep Todd waiting.

* * *

The line at Burger World wasn't too bad considering the time of day, but the boys were on a mission. Butt-Head wondered if his employment status there could help them get food quicker. "Um, excuse me, I work here. Could I like, uhhh, see the manager? I need to get food faster than this."

Mr. Anderson was in line in front of him and didn't like the implication he was making. It sounded like he was just wanting to cut in front of everyone. "Oh no, it's those boys who whack off in my toolshed. You're going to have to just wait like everyone else!"

Butt-Head wasn't about to wait, though. "Uhhh, no," he said as he pushed his way through the crowd to the back door. Cartman and Beavis followed.

Their manager was busy trying to cook all the food by himself. He became even more stressed out when he saw his two finest employees and some random child come into the room. "Beavis and Butt-Head! You didn't show up to work at all last week! I should fire you two lousy workers! But I need the help so take out the trash and pick up your schedule for next week."

"Uhhh, Beavis, you take out the trash. I'll get the food," Butt-Head ordered. He hurriedly prepared some chicken nuggets and took some onion rings that the manager had already made for another customer.

"Dammit, uh, okay," Beavis resigned his fate as he went to grab the trash bag. Just then, Butt-Head had a brilliant idea.

"Hey Beavis, just put it in there," he gestured towards the fryers.

Beavis liked this idea and dumped the bag into the fryer, unbeknownst to the manager, who was working on the other side of the room and too busy to notice. Butt-Head picked up the order of food. "Hey Beavis, let's make our baby carry the food."

Cartman did not argue, and secretly planned to sneak a few onion rings out of the bag. "Okay, let's go, you guys."

They left Burger World, unknowingly creating a cesspool of disease and danger in the fryers.

They headed back to find Todd still beating on the trash can that Stewart was hiding in, but now he was joined by two members of his gang. They were all surrounding it and it was dented heavily.

Butt-Head announced their presence to their lord, ruler, and master. "Uhhh, we got your food, sir."

"YEAH YEAH! Can we be in your gang now?!" Beavis said, overjoyed at the idea of being in his gang.

Todd glanced over at them. "Well, where the hell is it?"

"Our baby has it. Hey little baby, give Todd his food!" Butt-Head roared at Cartman.

Cartman had his back turned to them though, chewing ferociously on the last of the chicken nuggets.

"You fatass! I'm going to beat those chicken nuggets right out of you!" Todd screeched, as he threw Cartman in the trash can with Stewart and began smashing on the can harder than ever. His gang members joined in too. Cartman felt something wet in the trash can and realized that Stewart had pissed himself several times in the long attack on the trash can. Cartman felt the bat smash hard onto the side of the can he was up against, the full force knocking him against the other side and onto Stewart. He tasted blood.

"Let me out of this you motherfucker!" Cartman managed to yell.

Todd hesitated at hearing that last word. Even he was unable to say ****. Who was this kid and what kind of powers did he possess? He knew the two idiots with him would know so he turned his attention to them. "Do you two turds know how he said that word?!"

Beavis and Butt-Head backed up uneasily, shaking their heads. "We don't know! I want to say **** too but I can't! AHHHHH!" Beavis screamed.

Todd grabbed Beavis and Butt-Head by their necks and started smashing their large heads together. The other gang members focused their attention on them as well, giving Cartman a perfect opportunity to escape the trash can unnoticed.

"Oh I'll get you back..." Cartman whispered quietly, as he sneaked over to Todd's car and began tearing at anything he could find underneath. He was no mechanic, but he did make sure to ruin the brake line. He wasn't sure of everything he had actually torn up though, for sure, but Cartman thought this Todd asshole deserved thousands of dollars in car problems. He finished his deed and slipped back out from under the car, looking for a place to hide before his absence was noticed. Todd was too busy beating up Beavis and Butt-Head to notice anyway, it was easy to get away.

After a few more minutes, Todd and his gang felt they were done kicking Beavis and Butt-Head's scrawny little asses, and decided to go to Burger World themselves. He opted to leave those punks with a warning. "Don't even think about leaving, because when we get back, we're going to kick your asses again."

Beavis and Butt-Head picked themselves up as Todd hopped into his car and drove quickly away, liquid dripping from under the car and leaving a trail.

"Todd is so cool." Butt-Head said, as he wiped the blood from his face.

Cartman looked at Butt-Head in utter disgust and said, "No. Fucking. Way. Todd is a total douche!"

While Butt-Head and Cartman argued, Todd and his gang were nearing Burger World. He noticed some smoke coming out of the building and people leaving en masse, but that didn't slow him in the least. He knew they probably just burned a burger or something. Bunch of wussies. Todd turned towards the drive through and pushed on the break, suddenly realizing that he was unable to stop.

"Not cool!" He bellowed, as the car crashed hard into the side of Burger World, right into the burning fryer that Beavis and Butt-Head had dumped trash into. The explosion was loud enough for everyone in the entire town to hear.

Todd climbed out of his car over the dead bodies of his gang. "Not… cool at all." he said, then collapsed, barely breathing. As everything went black, he swore he could hear that fat kid laughing in the distance...

A few blocks over, Beavis picked his nose, bored and tired. "Let's go watch some TV, Butt-Head." Beavis proposed. Everyone agreed that this was the best thing to do after such a busy day.

* * *

Beavis and Butt-Head were upset that they didn't see Terrance and Phillip sooner. It was the coolest show to ever air.

"I can't believe you guys have never seen this! Wait until you see the movie! It's soooo awesome!" Cartman said, happy to find people so invested in such a complex and intricate storyline.

"I liked when Terrance farted on the President," Butt-Head said. "That was cool."

Beavis agreed wholeheartedly. "You know, it was like, really cool when Phillip farted underwater, and it made a bunch of little fart bubbles that blew on the fire and made an explosion! FFFFFFFFARTING FIRE!"

They ended up binge watching many of the episodes until Butt-Head noticed the time. It was 9:37. "Uhhh, weren't we supposed to like, go to bed or something?"

Beavis pondered a moment. "Wait, I think we were supposed to make the baby go to sleep earlier."

Butt-Head was lost deep in thought while he recalled what happened that morning. He remembered a hot chick with big thingies telling him to make sure her son is in bed by 8:30. A hot chick...maybe she would score with him if she thought he did a good job babysitting. He decided it was worth a try. "Now son, it is time for your bed time. Go to bed right now! Do I have to get the belt?"

Beavis wasn't sure why Butt-Head cared about getting their beautiful son to bed, but decided to roll with it like always. "GET THE HELL TO BED YOU LITTLE FARTKNOCKER! OR ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO KICK YOUR ASS?!"

Cartman was confused by this sudden turn in events. "What the fuck? I thought you guys were cool! Why are you making me go to fuckin' sleep, we could still watch more TV!"

"Uhhh, you like, leave me with no choice. Say hello to my little friend," Butt-Head threatened. He walked out of the room for a moment and came back with a large frying pan.

"The fuck? This is child abuse! You assholes are going to be like that dickhead coach at your school!" Cartman yelled.

Butt-Head was unphased by this accusation. "Uhhh, no. And good night, I'm gonna score now." He swung the pan hard, hitting Cartman right in the face and knocking him out, silencing him for the night.

Beavis was impressed. He kicked Cartman's body a few times for good measure. "Look Butt-Head, I'm kicking his ass!"

Beavis's kicks were fuckin' lame, but Cartman couldn't tell him this as he was too unconscious to do so.

With that out of the way, Butt-Head decided it was too early for the mature grown-ups to go to bed. "Let's watch more TV."

Beavis and Butt-Head seated themselves on the sofa, ready to stay awake and watch Terrance and Phillip all night made it about halfway through the intro of the next episode before falling asleep gracefully on each other's shoulders. As they slept, the most famous episode of the show played. Phillip accused Scott of being homophobic and Terrance stated that they were not gay, much to Phillip's shock.

Beavis heard this while asleep and, still lying against Butt-Head, he mumbled, "I'm not a buttknocker…" as he moved closer to Butt-Head for warmth.

The image of the handsome teenagers sleeping together with an unconscious child at their feet was very picturesque, and would not look out of place as a painting in a museum. With everyone asleep, the first day of the beautiful friendship between Eric Cartman, Beavis, and Butt-Head drew to a close.


	3. Bathroom break

The next day Cartman, Beavis, and Butt-Head were all on the school bus, heading towards the wonderful town of South Park, Colorado. Since the school was burned down, the bus was crowded with new, unexpected travelers. Most were complaining because they missed seeing the school burn down. Stewart was sad about the school being gone, but he was happy he got out of his detention. He wasn't quite sure he was ready to spend the huge bus ride next to that kid Beavis and Butt-Head was with the previous day, though. Cartman was just annoyed that he had to sit next to the biggest loser he'd met since Butters or Kyle.

"Oh great, why do I have to sit next to you, you fatass?! I mean what the FUCK?! Of all people!" Cartman angrily shouted at Stewart.

Stewart sat open-mouthed at Cartman's language. He'd never heard anyone use vile words like that in Highland. Not even Beavis and Butt-Head talked like that. He also took offense to being called fat. "Hey, I'm not that big. Also I'm not sure you should be calling other people fat, because, well…"

"Oh WHAT?! Dude, what the FUCK are you trying to say to me, fuckin' Jew wannabe?!" Cartman retorted, standing up on the seat and getting in Stewart's face.

Stewart backed up further against the seat and decided to change the topic. "Well, um… Okay, how do you say that word?"

"Jew? It's easy, dude. Just say the first part of the word juice." Cartman said, in disbelief that someone could not know what that was, but maybe a little envious as well. Even he could admit that to himself.

Stewart's cheeks turned red. How could this kid think that was what he meant? "No, I mean that other word. The one that rhymes with duck."

"Oh, you mean fuck. FUCK, fuckity, fuck fuck fuck. That word is pretty awesome."

Stewart was perplexed. He tried to say the word quietly. "****." No human voice came out, only a quiet bleep sound.

Cartman stared at Stewart, not understanding what had just happened. "What are you doing? How are you doing THAT?"

"Well, um, I just said that word you told me to say and it just happened. It's really weird. I'm kind of freaked out. Maybe I shouldn't do that anymore…" Stewart replied.

"Oh my God, you fucking colossal pussy. I can't believe you're afraid to say such a versatile word." Cartman said, angry to have to sit next to such a giant douche, but still interested in the beeping sound Stewart made because it was kind of cool. Why couldn't he make that sound? He said all sorts of horrible words that would get censored on TV, but they never did. Maybe he didn't use the right ones. It was worth a shot.

Cartman took in a deep breath, preparing to find a special word to produce the bleep sound. He had to get extra creative since he had already said pretty much every vulgarity ever created. "BUTTFUCK! PENISES! CHRISTIAN! SPASTIC COLON! FUCKING GODDAMN FUCK BALLS! SHIT-FACED COCKMASTER! ASS GREASING FIST JOCKEY! SHIT-SCULPTING ORGY CAPTAIN! ELEPHANT-WALKING ASSHOLE TICKLER!"

He didn't realize that with each new creative phrase, his voice grew louder through the echoing inside of the bus. Coach Buzzcut, a chaperone for the trip, overheard these expletives and reached across the bus, grabbing Cartman by the neck.

"YOU SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH RIGHT NOW OR I'LL WASH IT OUT WITH SOAP MYSELF! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD YOUNG MAN?!" Buzzcut spat into the face of Cartman, pieces of the half eaten jelly donut spraying out.

Cartman thought back to earlier that morning, when he was rummaging through Beavis and Butt-Head's drawers before they woke up. He still had a pair of Beavis's Megadeth underwear hidden in one of his coat pockets. He decided to utilize an old trick that he tried on PC Principal.

"Mr. Buzzcut, I believe your name is. You are being a little strict here with me and my friends here. Why, would you look at this, it's a pair of Beavis's underwear!" Cartman said while raising the underwear.

Cartman continued, "And… Why Mr. Buzzcut, they have your DNA on them." He said, as he rubbed Beavis's underwear on his own face, spreading Buzzcut's crumbs and saliva all over it.

Buzzcut stared, mouth gaping and eyes wide as the fat little boy in front of him waved the underwear in his now crimson face. They were attracting stares from everyone, and Buzzcut didn't want to back down. Running out of options, Buzzcut had to think fast. "YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR? I OUGHT TO THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW RIGHT NOW!"

Buzzcut opened the window next to Stewart and moved Cartman closer to it, only to jerk the undies right out of his hands and throw them out. Cartman sighed in relief but feared this wasn't enough to get Buzzcut to leave them alone for good. He leaned in and whispered something in Buzzcut's ear.

Buzzcut paled and put Cartman down quickly but gently, muttering apologies. Then he returned to his seat, grateful to be away that unholy terror. Buzzcut feared he was in the presence of something far more evil than Beavis and Butt-Head, but ignored it as best he could. Even his iron will was bent.

The bus had been relatively silent during that ordeal and resumed being fucking loud and annoying like all school buses, seriously fuck those. Beavis and Butt-Head were impressed that Cartman was able to get Buzzcut to leave them alone, something they had never been able to accomplish. Stewart just felt scared, and didn't want to sit next to him anymore.

Shortly, the bus stopped at a rest area, and everyone piled off of the bus for a few minutes.

* * *

As this was happening, two police officers stopped on the side of the road miles back after noticing a pair of young men's undergarments. Seeing some sort of stain on them that looked unusual and suspecting foul play, the officers bring it in to be DNA tested. They were not about to stand by and allow something potentially dangerous to continue, since the underwear did seem like a bad omen.

* * *

At the rest stop, Daria Morgendorffer was waiting for her parents. She was on a road trip with her family and bored to death of the dull sights. She was grateful that she didn't have to go to school, though. She sat on a bench, waiting for her family to finish changing their car tire when she noticed a school bus pull into a parking spot. Teens unloaded off the bus, and she couldn't miss the sight of Beavis and Butt-Head among them. She couldn't believe it, but there they were. Some little kid was following behind them. He looked innocent enough at first glance but if he was with those two he was bound to be either trouble or in trouble. She thought about hiding, but took too long and the trio noticed her. She heard their unmistakable laughter as they headed towards her. She gave up and accepted the inevitable.

Beavis was the first to notice her. He pointed at her and announced her presence to his companions. "Look, is that Daria?"

Butt-Head recognized her as well. "Woah, it IS Daria. Let's go, uh, check her out."

Cartman demanded clarification. "Who's that bitch?"

Beavis and Butt-Head ignored him and began chanting, "Diarrhea cha cha cha! Diarrhea cha cha cha!" as they walked over to her.

"Hey guys. What a surprise." Daria said, unimpressed by the fact that they hadn't changed at all, but not surprised by that either.

"Hey, Diarrhea." Butt-Head responded. He and Beavis began their snickering, but Cartman was still confused.

"You guys, who is this bitch?" Cartman demanded again. Daria was unmoved by his language, unlike just about everyone else he met in Highland. She assumed that Beavis and Butt-Head had badly influenced him. The poor kid must have picked up some of their quirks and she felt like she should try to talk to him in private about it.

Now was the best time to do it, so she grabbed his hand and started walking him away from Beavis and Butt-Head, and Beavis commented on this. "Hey look Butt-Head, she likes him! She must really like him a lot! I bet she likes him because he can say that one word… What was it. Lemme see, it started with F but it wasn't fire… Hmm. Oh yeah, Fffffire!"

Butt-Head retorted at Beavis's comment. "No way buttmunch, she wouldn't like a little baby like that! She probably has to go change his diaper or something." He scratched at his nads in an attempt to hide his raging stiffie that began when he first noticed Daria.

When they were safely out of earshot of Beavis and Butt-Head, Daria looked at Cartman and told him with a straight face, "You know those guys are absolute idiots right?"

Cartman was dumbfounded, but tried to play it cool with her. "You dragged me away from them to tell me that? The FUCK?"

Daria gaped for a moment at Cartman, not sure if she believed what she had just heard the little boy say. She had never heard the fabled F word spoken aloud so nonchalantly before, let alone from someone so young. She realized at that moment that she was dealing with something far darker than the simple idiocy of Beavis and Butt-Head. She had to think quickly to get out of this situation.

Since she knew Beavis and Butt-Head were nearby, but out of earshot, she led Cartman towards the bathrooms. She figured they would come over to see what she was doing, and she was right. When they were all in front of the bathrooms, she tried to get them to go inside.

"Hey Beavis and Butt-Head, I have something cool to show you in the bathroom! Come check it out!" Daria yelled, knowing their interest in toilet related subject matter would catch their attention.

Beavis was the first to respond. "Woah, cool! Hey Butt-Head, let's go check it out!"

"Guys, hurry up, it's really cool!" Daria said, knowing they would speed up their arrival. Meanwhile, Cartman was suspicious of Daria's intentions, but tagged along anyway for his own amusement. It isn't like she could really do anything malicious anyway.

"So what's in the bathroom that's so cool, Daria?" Cartman asked, inquisitively.

"Oh, you'll see once you're there. It's easier to see than to explain." Daria said, with as little enthusiasm as ever.

Daria told them to go into the bathroom and they'd be in for a great treat. She let them go ahead of her, then shut the door. She pushed a nearby bench in front of the door and left, glad to get away from them.

Beavis took in the sight before him. "Yep, this is pretty cool, Butt-Head."

Butt-Head wasn't quite as amazed. "Uhh, yeah, but I think it's just a regular bathroom, Beavis."

Cartman was the only one that noticed the door closing behind them. "That dirty whore tricked us! MOTHERFUCKER." He tried opening the door, but it wouldn't budge.

Cartman stared up at the single, small window close to the ceiling and decided that they had to get out that way. He had to enlist special aid to get up there, though. "You guys, we could probably get out that window..."

Butt-Head looked up at the window and said, "Hey uhhh, Beavis. help me up there, dillweed."

"Okie doke, giving you a boost." Beavis said, as he struggled to hold him up.

Butt-Head was able to squeeze through the window and was outside quickly. He landed hard on the ground and stood up. Stewart ran up to Butt-Head and told him to hurry up and eat before the food got cold. Butt-Head complied, rushing over to where the rest of his class was in hopes that there would be nachos.

Meanwhile, Beavis and Cartman were left trapped in the bathroom. Beavis didn't mind much though, staring at turd floating in the toilet, gleefully muttering, "Poop!" repeatedly.

Cartman was getting pissed off, since they stopped here to eat lunch, and they ended up getting tricked by some damn skank and stuck here instead of being able to get food.

"That girl fucking sucked!" Cartman uttered, his anger boiling. "Who the hell does she think she is, keeping me from lunchtime like this!" He kicked over a trash can, spilling its contents over the floor. It had used pads and tampons in it, causing him to realize they were in the women's bathroom.

Beavis turned around and noticed the pads and tampons strewn about the floor. "Woah cool! It's one of those things that stop you from bleeding!" Beavis said, as he shoved one up his nose.

"Fuckin' sick, dude! I am going to get out of here NOW, because Butt-Head is too fucking retarded to do his ONE JOB of getting us out of here!" Cartman screamed at Beavis.

Cartman tried to jump up to the window, but failed horribly. Cartman suddenly smelled cooking hotdogs outside and started to weep openly. "I'm hungry! MEEEEMMM!"

* * *

Butt-Head was busy chowing down on nachos and hot dogs. Stewart noticed Butt-Head was still alone and decided to talk to Mr. Van Driessen. Van Driessen approached Butt-Head carefully and asked him kindly, "Now Butt-Head, where is Beavis and your little friend?"

"Uhhh, I don't know." Butt-Head replied, then went back to eating.

Van Driessen gave a worried look and rallied everyone together. "Everyone! Beavis and his little friend are missing! Spread out and look for them." Van Driessen took off in the direction of the bathrooms and vending machines, but nobody else moved or seemed to care, except Stewart.

* * *

Beavis and Cartman were beginning to get sick. Without an air conditioner or anything to keep them cool, they were getting overheated. Cartman was afraid to drink out of the sink because there were blood and piss stains all over it and Beavis had long since given up on looking at the poop, mostly. He occasionally took another look and would mutter "Poop," quietly.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door of the bathroom, then a loud bang. Beavis jumped up and ran into the stall, screaming, "You'll never take me alive!"

Suddenly Buzzcut burst through the door and screamed, "YOU MAGGOTS BETTER GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND BACK ONTO THE BUS!"

Cartman got up off the floor, now very aware that he missed lunch. "What the fuck, asshole! We were stuck in here the whole time and didn't get to eat anything! That fuckin' diarrhea bitch locked us in here!"

Buzzcut gave the boys a strange look and replied, "DARIA MOVED AWAY! ARE YOU TELLING ME SOMEONE WHO MOVED AWAY FROM HIGHLAND DID THIS?! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"

Cartman walked past Buzzcut, ready to leave the bathroom. "Believe what you want, dickhole. I'm getting out of here, and I'm going to get food." He flipped Buzzcut off before going outside. Buzzcut remembered Cartman's words to him from earlier and stayed quiet.

* * *

Cartman stared as burned hotdog pieces were dropped into the trash can. He would have settled for those at this point. Nothing was stopping him, though, so he did settle for those. He scooped them out of the trash can when nobody was looking and gobbled them up quickly, shoving a few extra in his pockets. He even found a hamburger in the trash can while digging around and ate that on the spot too.

Cartman, Butt-Head, and the rest of the students climbed back onto the bus. Butt-Head sat next to Beavis and Stewart sat next to Cartman like before. Beavis was quietly uttering the word "Poop!"

"Hey kid, what's that smell?" Stewart asked, looking at Cartman.

"None of your FUCKING BUSINESS you bunghole." Cartman said, not wanting anyone to know about the hotdogs in his pocket.

Stewart stared at Cartman, remembering he said the word that starts with F again. As they passed the sign that read, "Now Entering Colorado," Stewart tried to repeat the word, quietly uttering "fuck" to himself. He succeeded! He was so overjoyed he announced it to the whole bus. "GUYS! I CAN SAY FUCK NOW!"

"WOAH!" Butt-Head said, in awe of the sudden coolness radiating from Stewart. "That kicks ass!"

Buzzcut got up out of his seat and looked at Stewart from where he stood after hearing such language. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY YOUNG MAN?! WHEN YOUR PARENTS HEAR ABOUT THIS YOU WILL BE ERASED FROM OUR SCHOOL JUST LIKE DARIA WAS!"

"Oh no! Don't tell my mom! I'll get grounded for weeks!" Stewart said, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Wow, you really are just like Butters aren't you? Are you sure you aren't his long lost brother or something?" Cartman asked.

Stewart was too busy crying to respond and Butt-Head noticed quickly that Stewart was being a loser, ruining his momentary limelight. "Uh, Stewart cried. He's crying like a little baby. Uhuhuh, what a loser."

Everyone was talking about what Stewart said and began whispering the word "fuck" quietly throughout the bus. Cartman was more interested in shoving hotdogs into his mouth as quietly and carefully as he could. That time in the bathroom made him ravenous, but at least he didn't have to go to the bathroom.

Beavis wasn't paying attention to the shenanigans in the bus. He was busy fidgeting with his pants.

"Hey Butt-Head, uh… I have to go to the bathroom." Beavis said, as the bus drove over a hill and a town could be seen in the distance.


	4. Beavis and Butt-Head Finally get to South Park

**Beavis and Butt-Head Finally get to South Park**   
  
_Will not be seen tonight so we can bring you The Beavis and Butt-Head and Cartman Canadian Special!_

"You are going to jail, friend!" the Canadian Mountie exclaimed, as he slapped handcuffs onto Buzzcut's wrists. He fastened a rope to the handcuffs and attached the other end to his sheep.

Buzzcut screamed, "YOU CANADIAN ASSHOLES ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE! I WAS TRAINED FOR THE CANADIAN/AMERICAN WAR! I KNOW HOW TO STOP YOU!"

The Mountie nodded at Van Driessen and took Buzzcut away.

"I can't believe coach Buzzcut was a child molester. Now children, it's okay to talk about if Buzzcut did anything harmful to you. Beavis, I know your underwear was found. Do you want to talk about it?"

Butt-Head looked at Beavis quietly for a moment and uttered, "Uhuhuh, you were touched."

Beavis screamed, "I was NOT Butt-Head! Shut up fartknocker!"

"Now Butt-Head, your friend was abused and you need to comfort him in this time of great difficulty. Now you two discuss things while I speak with Principal McVicker about how to get out of Canada after that wrong turn."

Cartman wasn't paying attention to the exchange between them, and was enthralled that his underwear plan didn't completely fail. Getting Buzzcut arrested heightened his mood after having to be stuck in stupid stinky Canada again. At least this time he wasn't missing Christmas. He noticed Beavis and Butt-Head walking away from the class, muttering something about scoring with Canadian chicks. He hurried to catch up with them, hoping that this didn't extend their stay in Canada.

* * *

Terrance paced in his cell. He had been captured earlier by Saddam Hussein, for purposes unknown. All that he knew was it couldn't be good. He heard footsteps down the hallway. A new prisoner was being dragged in. He was obviously of Texan origin from his appearance.

Saddam walked into the room, smiling evilly. "Hi buddy. I heard you molested some Texan child. That gets me HOT! Wanna come over here and have a little fun?"

Buzzcut stared at his arch nemesis. Finally, he had a chance to prove himself to his country. Using his enormous strength, Buzzcut broke his cuffs and grabbed Hussein by the neck. Terrance farted.

"I DID NO SUCH THING, YOU DISGUSTING CANADIAN MAN! I OUGHTA KILL YOU RIGHT HERE!" Buzzcut screamed at Saddam.

Saddam struggled in Buzzcut's grip. "Hey guy, let me touch those sexy muscles! Ohhh yeahhhh!"

Buzzcut let go of Saddam, wiping away the disgusting sweat Saddam had secreted onto his body. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Saddam looked unsurprised, but disappointed and said, "Come on, guyyyy. You'll like it, I swear! Besides, wouldn't you rather be more comfortable with me, instead of stuck in the cell with Mr. Farts-a-lot over here?"

Buzzcut channeled his frustration and pure rage into brute strength as he grabbed the bars to his cell. He managed to bend them enough to slip through, and his fist immediately met Saddam's face. Saddam let out a sound that could fall somewhere between a cry of pain and a sound of orgasm as he fell to the floor. Buzzcut didn't stop and began kicking Saddam over and over until he quit moving, dead once more.

After the deed was done, Buzzcut looked at the lifeless body with satisfaction that his mission was complete. He had protected America and its Canadian allies. Suddenly he heard a noise from behind him as Terrance farted again.

Buzzcut put his foot down. Enough was enough. He kicked Terrance so hard in the ass that it actually stopped him mid fart, causing Terrance to lose the ability to pass gas. "YOU CEASE THIS CHILDISH BEHAVIOR THIS INSTANT!"

Terrance was dumbfounded. How was he unable to fart?! He kept pushing and pushing but nothing happened. What would he and Phillip do without him? What's more, what would Canada do without him?! He needed to find Phillip even faster now. "What do you think you are doing, buddy?!"

Buzzcut didn't care to chat with Terrance, but he needed to get back to his class, and Terrance was a Canadian. "LISTEN UP, CANADIAN VERMIN! YOU WILL HELP ME GET BACK TO WHERE I NEED TO GO, AND YOU WILL NOT PARTAKE IN FLATULENT ACTIVITIES!"

Terrance did not want to team up with this loud, cruel man, but felt he had little choice in the matter. "Okay, friend, but first I need to find Phillip. He will know what to do."

Buzzcut sighed, and accepted his fate. He would help this damn Canadian find his companion but he wouldn't like it.

* * *

In their quest for hot babes, the trio came across a dashing young Canadian whose radiant golden locks greatly impressed them. Cartman instantly recognized him as Phillip, after hearing a sudden fart. He walked up to his idol and greeted him. "Oh wow, hey Phillip, been a while."

Butt-Head stared wide-eyed at Cartman and muttered, "Woah!" realizing that Cartman actually knew a famous person. "So you're like, famous and stuff. Can you like, help us score with some hot chicks?"

Phillip responded by farting and then giving his signature laugh. "I have scored with many a hot chick, buddy, but I would never reveal my secret. Oh okay, you've talked me into it. You need to spread your ass cheeks and…" he trailed off, and then farted right in Butt-Head's face.

Butt-Head ecstatically took the advice to heart, realizing that only by farts, would he score. It was solid advice. "That's pretty cool." He stated.

Beavis was a little jealous that he did not get farted on by this cool celebrity that so clearly knew how to pick up chicks. "I need to score with chicks, too. Yeah."

Phillip stared deeply into Beavis's eyes. Suddenly, Beavis farted in Phillip's face and asked, "Is that about right?"

Butt-Head laughed and said accusingly, "You wanna score with a dude."

Cartman also laughed at Beavis. "Fuckin' gay, dude. Now you have to reverse the gay polarity. Kyle told me about that."

Beavis confusedly picked his nose. "Ummm, what?" Beavis ignored that and moved onto business: finding a chick to score with.

Suddenly the Queef Sisters ran towards the group. Katie began ranting about Iranian or Iraqi soldiers. She wasn't sure which. She claimed that she had barely escaped the soldiers and that they weren't sure what they would do. It was at this precise moment when Buzzcut kicked Terrance, causing his inability to fart.

Phillip looked into the sky and said quietly, "There is a disturbance." He gazed into the distance before farting. After sharing a good laugh with the group, he stated what needed to be done. "We need to find Terrance. Now."

Butt-Head looked at the group and said, "This sucks. Let's get out of here Beavis!" He began to walk away, back towards the bus, uninterested in the problems of the sisters.

Beavis, however, was still focused on scoring. He was planning just how to fart on one of the Queef Sisters.

Meanwhile, Katherine was staring him down. She didn't like these boys and hoped their presence wouldn't disturb the plan. She stood there and took it while Beavis came up to her and ripped ass right in her face. "Oooohoooohooo, how impressive!" she muttered, humoring him.

Beavis was stunned on the spot. He impressed a chick. "Woah...really?"

Butt-Head was in denial. How could Beavis get a positive reaction from a chick, and right in front of him? It didn't make sense. He was going to tear Beavis down here and now. He smacked Beavis across the face. "No way, buttknocker. No chick would be impressed by you."

While Beavis rubbed the sore spot on his face, Cartman was busy laughing loudly and openly at the situation, but suddenly noticed a soldier rushing towards them. "Look out you guys!" He yelled as he tried to use them as a human shield, believing that Butt-Head's large head would protect him the most. He jumped on Butt-Head's shoulders, but his weight pulled Butt-Head backwards to the ground, flat on his ass. Beavis finally got to laugh at his expense.

The soldier readied his weapon but Phillip quickly reacted by farting in his face, knocking him out with chemical warfare. He bent down to inspect the fallen soldier. "This looks like one of Saddam's men. He must want to capture me too. I guess that's where Terrance is." After his moment of insight, Phillip let out a loud fart.

Butt-Head noticed that the soldier was a girl. He decided that he would try to use Beavis's technique to seduce her. She was waking up already, and Butt-Head farted quickly in her face, returning her to her gaseous slumber.

When he was finished laughing, Phillip stood tall and put on a pair of sunglasses. He declared, "Let's go get Terrance. I fear something dreadful has happened to him." Then he farted once more, for good measure.

* * *

Saddam awoke in Hell. It wasn't anything new for him, but he had urgent business to attend to on Earth this time. He hurried to Hell's exit, hoping that his ex-boyfriend Satan didn't notice him sneaking around. Satan showed him the exit a long time ago and it was heavily guarded. Saddam needed to hurry to enlist more direct help from his new lover if his plans had any hope of becoming reality.

* * *

The group made a brisk jog to the nearby town of Vancouver, since there was a weapons shop there. They needed to be armed if they were to save Terrance from the clutches of Saddam and his evil regime.

Beavis walked up to the counter and requested a flamethrower as he chanted the words, "FIRE FIRE!"

Butt-Head wanted something more exotic. "Uhh, do you guys have any nachos?"

The Canadian store owner looked dumbfounded at Butt-Head and asked, "What are nachos, friend?"

Butt-Head froze, horrified that someone could have gone their entire life without knowledge of nachos.

Beavis just felt anger at such a thing. He began screaming at the shop owner. "What is wrong with you people?! How do you not know about nachos!? Dammit! Nachos are like, the greatest food to ever exist you know? And we like, hold them in our hearts, what it truly means to be human. Before nachos existed, mankind didn-"

"OK dude, Jesus, nachos are pretty great but I want to get a sweet wizard staff already," Cartman cut him off. He quietly added, "Or maybe some raccoon claws…"

* * *

The Queef Sisters were satisfied with the weapons that everyone had chosen and they rushed towards the oncoming battle. Walking down the only road, Eric Cartman carried a large wooden staff, prepared to bash anyone who opposed him. Beavis carried a flamethrower, quietly muttering the word fire to himself. Butt-Head walked in the middle, leading the charge. He was the obvious leader, eating Canadian nachos and heading to an obvious victory. Phillip followed closely behind, ready to provide his own chemical warfare abilities, if needed. Together with the Queef Sisters, they formed a formidable force.

The Queef Sisters led the way to Saddam's fortress, which thankfully wasn't too far away now. They all arrived by sundown, and decided to rest outside the area and form a plan of attack.

"Hey Butt-Head." Phillip spoke. "Do you have any more of those things? What did you call them, nachos?" He farted after he spoke, and the group erupted in laughter before Butt-Head responded.

"Uhhh, no way dillweed, those are mine!" Butt-Head uttered, appalled that someone would want to take his precious nachos.

Cartman couldn't believe that anyone could use that tone of voice with one of his idols. "Butt-Head, seriously, I swear to God, if you don't share your nachos with Phillip I'll make you eat your parents." He raised his staff threateningly while staring Butt-Head down.

"Uh, my mom sucks. I want my nachos." Butt-Head said, tired of the discussion.

The Queef Sisters began to get impatient. Katherine spoke up, "Just share your nachos so we can hurry into the fortress already!"

Butt-Head ignored her and kept eating his nachos. This set off Cartman, and he hit Butt-Head in the face with his staff several times.

"What did you do that for asswipe?!" Butt-Head said, obviously pissed. He grabbed Cartman by the front of his shirt and slapped him across the face.

Katherine took this distraction to speed things up and swiped some nachos in the confusion, giving them to Phillip.

"Thanks, babe," Phillip told her before eating the nachos. He was enamored with the nachos, and everyone stopped and stared once he released an extra powerful fart due to them.

The group was undoubtedly ready for battle, but still had not decided on a plan.

"Um, I think we should go in through the back door. I remember seeing a good way to get in there when we escaped!" Katie said matter-of-factly. Since nobody else had any suggestions, the decision was unanimous. They quietly crept around Saddam's fortress, easily avoiding capture, as Butt-Head chewed his nachos.

"When do we get to burn stuff? I want to use this thing!" Beavis said, becoming angry that he hadn't yet used his flamethrower.

"Calm down friend," Phillip said concerned.

"Phillip, maybe you should let me hold that until he needs it." Katherine said to her husband.

"Yeah, sounds reasonable," Phillip agreed, trusting his wife's judgement.

Holding the flamethrower, Katherine bumped into Butt-Head causing his nachos to plummet to the ground, ruining them.

Butt-Head did not take kindly to this accident. "Dammit, you ruined my nachos." He no longer desired to score with a woman who destroys nachos. His motivation for doing anything in Canada plummeted.

The group easily sneaked into the building, which was strangely lacking in many guards. Shortly, the group came across the holding cells. Katie gestured towards one of them. "Terrance should still be in the back of this cell. Why don't you all take a look?"

Everyone began piling into the cell, with Phillip standing guard near the front. Suddenly Coach Buzzcut appeared and kicked Phillip hard in the ass, clogging it up the same way as Terrance had previously been afflicted. Then the cell door slammed shut behind Phillip.

"Thanks guy!" Saddam said, caressing Buzzcut's large pecs. Buzzcut leaned towards Saddam and gave him a kiss.

Terrance was in the back of the cell, and was ecstatic to see that Phillip was alright.

Terrance and Phillip cried and embraced, touching the hearts of everyone in their group. Everyone but Katie and Katherine Queef.

Shocking everyone, the Queef Sisters began rubbing Saddam's arms, one slowly moving down his body seductively. As they began to pleasure Saddam, they started to merge. Their bodies twisted together horrifically, transforming into Beelzaboot, the Canadian Devil. "It was me, the Canadian Devil, the whole time, buddy! You fell right into our trap!" Beelzaboot shot a jealous glance at Buzzcut but otherwise said nothing, instead farting out a fireball.

Saddam smirked and said, "Hey guys, don't worry about it! You won't live long enough to see me take over Canada anyway! And without your farts, Terrance and Phillip, nothing can stop me!"

"Let us out of here, you stupid Canadian assholes!" Cartman yelled and began smacking the bars of the cell with his staff.

Saddam noticed that the group wasn't entirely unarmed, and asked his lover Beelzaboot about it. "Why didn't you take that?"

Beelzaboot laughed. "Because staffs are gay." He stated simply.

Cartman was outraged. "Staffs are NOT gay! They're fuckin' sweet!" He threw his staff directly at Beelzaboot's head, but missed by a wide margin, effectively disarming himself. "God damn it…"

Beavis looked back and forth like a trapped animal and screamed, "This is worse than when we were stuck in that elevator! We're all gonna die!"


	5. We Lied Aboot the Previous Chapter

Everything was in grayscale, indicating a flashback.

Coach Buzzcut and Terrance were running for their lives. Saddam's men were chasing after them, but with Saddam out of the picture they knew they would be fine. They ran towards the throne room where Saddam's many male dancers were hiding. Scantily clad, they were dancing for the amusement of a man who had already died, unbeknownst to them. Terrance had a brilliant idea.

"Hey buddy, why don't we dress up as the dancers! The soldiers would never tell the difference!" Terrance intelligently suggested.

Buzzcut looked at him angrily but nodded. He knew that it was the best and only option they had at that moment.

Running behind a changing curtain they emerged moments later, dressed in exotic dancing regalia. The soldiers ran into the room, oblivious to the new dancers trying to badly match with the routine of the other dancers. Buzzcut shook and twisted like he had never moved before, hoping that no one would ever be able to prove what was transpiring. He looked on at the soldiers who seemed to be enjoying the show, his face turning bright red as he held in his anger at the sight of the Canadian assault rifles.

Meanwhile Terrance looked on angrily at Buzzcut, knowing that if he had not lost his farting abilities, he could have used Nagasaki to knock out everyone in the room. Suddenly soldiers surrounded the pair. They believed that they had been caught, but the soldiers looked amused more than anything.

"Hi guy, Saddam wants you sent down to his pad right away." The soldier said with a Canadian smirk. The two felt the ground rumble as the tiles beneath them opened up, dropping them into a pit. They landed in Saddam's home in Hell.

* * *

Saddam opted to stop by his place before reaching Hell's exit, as it was located nearby. He went through his drawers and decided to pack his essentials into a simple briefcase: clothes, a toothbrush, a DVD of season 3 of Friends, his precious Ultravibe Pleasure 2000, anal beads, and his beloved Hitler plushie. As he closed the briefcase, his roof suddenly collapsed, and in fell the most beautiful dancer he had ever laid eyes on. There he was, the perfect man for him. Terrance was there too, but he wasn't as beautiful. He gripped his Ultravibe Pleasure 2000 tightly in his hand as he made his way towards Buzzcut.

Ignoring the obvious presence of Terrance, he gazed deeply into the eyes of the angrily blushing Buzzcut, and demanded Buzzcut to dance. Buzzcut obeyed, hoping with futility that Saddam had not recognized him.

Saddam smiled and said, "Relax guy! You are in my house now. I can make you do anything here! Look deeply into my Ultravibe Pleasure 2000 and dance bitch! Dance!" Saddam said with a maniacal laugh.

Saddam turned on the device and waved it slowly, close to Buzzcut's eyes. Saddam started off with the lowest vibration setting to start off with. Buzzcut could only look at the purple device in utter stupification as he was put into a trance, the anger in his face slowly subsiding. After a brief period, Saddam cranked up the vibration setting to make it faster, still waving the device around. Buzzcut was nearly totally in Saddam's mind control. Finally, he turned the vibration to its highest setting. Buzzcut was now fully brainwashed, and ready to do his new master's bidding.

Satisfied with his work, Saddam turned the Ultravibe Pleasure 2000 off and returned it to his bag. "Alright guy! We will have to get HOT in bed later, for now I have a job to do back on Earth! You need to help me lock this menace back up where he belongs, and get his friend too!"

Buzzcut pulled Saddam into a half-embrace, and then started rubbing his crotch on Saddam's leg. "YES, DADDY," he responded in a monotone voice.

Terrance could do little to defend himself as he was suddenly grabbed by the throat and and thrown into a wall. Buzzcut began beating Terrance senseless, with no intention of stopping. Saddam stopped Buzzcut before he could deliver the killing blow.

"Relax guy! I don't want him to die yet! I might need him later! Come on, we're going back to Earth!" Saddam said as he scurried up the rope ladder, back into his throne room.

* * *

Terrance relaxed after he finished recounting the events he had been through in recent times to his cellmates. They all shared a moment of silence before Phillip questioned anything.

"Say, Terrance, how did you recall events that you weren't there for?"

Terrance looked puzzled. "I wasn't there?"

Before anyone could respond, Beavis farted loudly. Everyone shared a hearty chuckle, until Terrance and Phillip remembered their predicament, unable to fart too. Soon Terrance and Phillip's laughter melted into sobs.

Butt-Head looked at the pair, smirked, and said, "Uhuhuh, you cried. You cried like little babies."

Phillip looked angrily at Butt-Head and replied, "You would too if your entire life is based on fart jokes and you can't fart anymore!"

Butt-Head looked surprised at Phillip, then slowly turned away and said, "Not being able to fart sucks." A shadow fell over his eyes and he lowered his head.

Beavis was busy banging on the bars with his fists, screaming to be let free. "Free me dammit!"

Suddenly Saddam returned to the cells to gloat over his victory and reveal his evil plans. "All of my plans have been going so well! With you fools out of the way and Satan none the wiser, I will soon take over Canada, and then the world!" His evil laughter drowned out the sobs of Terrance and Phillip and echoed throughout the building.

Beavis thought it would be a perfect opportunity to try out that fancy F word he learned the other day. "****!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, but was still unable to say it. Perhaps MTV had a tighter hold on him than he thought...

* * *

Satan grumbled in his sleep. He just hadn't been sleeping all that well lately. It felt like something was really off. He couldn't stop thinking about Saddam again. He knew Saddam was horrible for him and he didn't want him in his life anymore but it felt like destiny was telling him find Saddam. He decided that he should ask God for advice on if his feeling was true and if he should seek out Saddam.

God was watching his Mormons play charades when he noticed Satan show up in Heaven again. "Oh here we go again. What do you ask of me Satan?"

Satan awkwardly shuffled his feet. "I need your advice on relationships again."

God sighed. He recalled Satan at least following his advice last time, so maybe it wouldn't be too bad, however. "Is it Saddam again? I thought you finally understood that Saddam is a complete asshole and not the right choice for you."

Satan looked at his feet. God had him pegged. "Yeah, but, I was just thinking about him again, and it was keeping me up, I dunno… It's like I know he is bad for me, but I can't stop myself from wondering what he's doing right now."

God rolled his eyes and looked tiredly at Satan. "I took Saddam in as a rather large favor to you. Do you not trust me to keep my word?"

"Well, I never meant to insult you God. I just wanted to ask." Satan said, fidgeting nervously.

God once again rolled his eyes and looked with his all encompassing power to find what Saddam was up to, only to discover he could not see him anywhere in Heaven. "Oh Satan, I um, believe Saddam has gone on vacation. Yes, and he won't be back for some time." God thought quickly, finding Saddam was in Canada. He noticed that he was surrounded by the presence of others who were never meant to cross paths and realized that something very dire was about to take place in the country of maple leaves, flappy heads, and hockey.

"Saddam is in Canada, Satan. But he has, uh, broken the agreement of his vacation and is trying to take over again. He's with Beavis and Butt-Head, who were my special sons I put on Earth to test the people of the world. Earth is probably fucked now that they have all crossed paths…" God explained, then scratched behind his ear.

Satan didn't really give a dead moose's last shit about the fate of Earth as he tried to take it over before. Despite this, he thought about visiting Canada now that he knew Saddam was there. He knew Saddam had tried to take over Canada previously and didn't really understand his fascination with that country. He also knew that it would be best to utilize a human's soul to go undetected in Canada. But who would he use?

* * *

Eric Cartman stood at the front of the cell, looking sweetly at Saddam. "Mr. Saddaaaam, um, could you let us out? We'll be really good I promise!"

Saddam looked at the extremely handsome and not fat child in the cell. He considered the offer momentarily, but realized it would be best to leave any chance of a threat behind bars.

"Relaaax guy! You will be fine in this cell. I'll give you some Canadian food and you'll be just fine." Saddam said slyly. He was actually going to poison the food to make sure all of the threats would be eliminated at once, since everyone had outlived their usefulness. "Guards, bring in the food!"

The guards came in, sliding the maple syrup and Canadian bacon under the food slot. Before anyone had the chance to get to it though, Cartman began eating it all. He screamed, "It's all mine you assholes! Get your own!"

Laughing, Saddam left the cell, satisfied that his plans had succeeded. He was eager to return to the love palace with Buzzcut, hoping that the Canadian Devil would join him in a threesome.

Cartman fell to the floor in agony. He had never felt this much pain in his bowels so quickly. Not even after eating at Chipotle. He felt concern for the future of his underwear, as right now he had no spares in case this one got drenched in blood like it did with Chipotle food.

"Oh God, oh please, don't let me ruin my underwear!" Cartman cried, as he looked to the heavens for help.

Instantly and unexpectedly, a pit of fire opened in the center of the cell and a large, red figure emerged. It looked around, examining the room before introducing itself. "Wow, Canada is exactly how I remembered it… Anyway, I am Satan! Bow before me! I am here to speak with Saddam Hussein. Could you guys please tell me where to find him?"

Beavis and Butt-Head were in awe. They had heard so much about Satan and how he totally rocked, but they never thought they would get to meet him! They were utterly stupefied.

Butt-Head wanted to be the first to talk to Satan, so he stepped forward before Beavis could. "Uhhh, woah, it's Satan…" was all he managed to end up saying, however. Few things could make him speechless, and this was one of them.

Beavis regained his bearings soon after this and remembered Satan's fiery entrance. "Hey Butt-Head, this Satan guy is pretty cool."

"Uhh, Beavis, don't you know who this guy is? He's the most awesome guy in the world!" Butt-Head said, staring at his idol.

Satan looked at them teary-eyed and said, "Aww, I can't believe you guys look up to me so much. And here I thought everyone on Earth hated me now. You guys are the best." Satan handed them each an autograph on their favorite respective Metallica and AC/DC albums.

Beavis and Butt-Head held them, realizing that they were the luckiest people on earth. There was no way they weren't going to be able to score now. They even had proof they met Satan.

Cartman had been sobbing in the corner of the cell, his entrails liquefying and leaking out of his rectal cavity in a thick, chunky paste. He cried softly for help. Luckily for Cartman, Satan needed a body to inhabit and after peering at the group, realized that Cartman's large figure would be best suited for his needs. He also recognized the kid as the one who struck down Saddam first during the American/Canadian war. "Oh yeah, you were the kid that zapped Saddam for me that one time. How have you been?"

Cartman was busy writhing in agony, but was still able to respond to Satan. "Been better…"

Satan thought it would be fine to bring up a sick deal. "Hey, kid, I need to borrow your soul for a bit to stop Saddam. Is that cool and shit?"

Cartman thought about how demons always do deals for this stuff in movies. His mind never strayed too far from his current ultimate goal: burning down Kyle's house. He knew Satan wasn't too bad of a guy, so he couldn't be too direct with his side of the deal. He figured he looked pretty pitiful already, so he didn't try to whip out his puppy eyes on Satan when he replied, "That's fine, but as long as you help me with something later…"

Satan didn't think a little boy could have anything too difficult in mind, so he accepted the offer. "Alright. Here we go."

Cartman grinned to himself before coughing up some blood like in the animes. Satan was surprisingly easy to manipulate. What a dumbass. Cartman took Satan's hand and Satan's skin oozed and burned around Cartman like fiery slime, then entered through every orifice of his body.

Cartman stood up, his innards healing themselves as Satan's power flowed through him. The only visible change about him was he now had glowing eyes and no longer looked like a Chipotle customer.

Beavis and Butt-Head took in the sight before them. The cool child they were babysitting, possessed by the even cooler Satan. It was the coolest thing they had ever seen, which said a lot, because they had certainly seen a lot of things that were cool.

Butt-Head's feelings toward the matter were definitely more envious than Beavis's, though. Why wasn't he the one being possessed by Satan and looking pretty sweet? It just wasn't fair.

Terrance and Phillip were watching in awe, quietly, until Terrance had an idea. "Hey, Satan, could you use your powers to restore our farts?"

Satan was confused at this request, but then heard Cartman's voice in their shared head. " _You better do it,_ " he demanded.

Satan thought, " _But that's a waste of time and power when we need to get to Saddam!_ "

" _You better fucking do it goddammit! If they can't fart then they can't keep doing their show!_ "

Satan sure wasn't used to being talked to, or in this case thought to, in that way. It surprised him, and the surprise registered on their face. Everyone watching was confused as to why they were just standing there instead of fixing the issue or something.

Butt-Head walked up to Cartman and poked him in the face. "Uhh, I think he's broken."

Cartman flinched at the touch, which brought him and Satan back to reality. Satan figured it would be quicker to just help Terrance and Phillip than bicker with this pushy kid any longer. He wasted no time in raising his arms and shooting demonic energy at both of them, restoring their anal cavities to their default configuration.

Terrance and Phillip felt their bowels churn. The grumbling started high, then travelled down their intestines towards their rectum. Suddenly they both released the most powerful farts they had ever expelled, rattling the bars off the cell. Satan looked on in shock and amazement as he realized that the boy was oh so right in pushing him to return their farting abilities. They would be handy assets when he confronted Saddam.

* * *

Saddam and Buzzcut were having a good time in the throne room. The buzzing echoed through the halls of the building. Saddam took advantage of the fact that Beelzaboot went out for a bit to buy groceries. He finally got some alone time with Buzzcut. "Ohhhh yeah, you're pretty good at this, guy! This is gettin' me HOT!"

It was true, brainwashed Buzzcut was fairly decent at Mario Kart. It wasn't hard to beat Saddam though, as he always watched the wrong screen. To make things more interesting, they decided to play Strip Kart, which is just regular Mario Kart but the loser has to take off an article of clothing. Saddam was wearing nothing but his heart patterned underwear and socks, while Buzzcut was still fully dressed, and still in his dancer outfit, no less. Perhaps subconsciously, he did not wish to be naked in front of Saddam. Unfortunately for him, Saddam had just picked up a star and had flung himself into first place, passing Buzzcut at the last minute. Buzzcut unflinchingly began to remove his shirt as Saddam watched, sweating with intense excitement to see the bare chest that was about to be unleashed.

Suddenly Beelzaboot burst into the room with the groceries. "Saddam I have the Kid Cuisine meals you wante-" He stopped as he saw the situation in front of him. Angrily, he snarled at Buzzcut and demanded an explanation from Saddam.

"Relaaax guy! We were just havin a little fun!" Saddam said, unconcerned.

Beelzaboot was unconvinced. He began yelling at Saddam, "You were playing Strip Kart without me and you think I wouldn't mind?! Not cool, friend!"

Saddam hurried to Beelzaboot and gave him a large hug, patting his body seductively. Just then Satan in Cartman's body and the rest of the gang blew a hole through the wall and appeared, surrounded by defeated guards.

"Saddam! What have you done?!" Satan queried. Then he saw Saddam embraced with Canadian Satan and truly lost his mind.

Saddam couldn't react before he was pushed out of the way of a Satanic energy blast. Beelzaboot stood in front of his boyfriend protectively, and barely containing his rage. "Hey, buddy! Possessing a child again to face me? I can do that too!" He glanced around to see if there were any suitable bodies for him to inhabit. His eyes rested on Butt-Head. It was the perfect body. Those gorgeous brown locks. The immaculate nostrils. The way he rocked those braces. Nary a more suitable vessel existed to house the form of the Canadian Devil. Beelzaboot flew across the room, latched onto the brown haired boy, and morphed into maple syrup, then oozed his way into every orifice of Butt-Head's body, causing him to moan.

Beavis couldn't believe it. Butt-Head was chosen to be possessed by a demon and not him. "No! No! Possess me! Dammit!"

Beelzaboot was slightly put off by his host once inside. "Jeez, guy, there's nothing going on in your head! Except for naked women and TV!" He thought internally, " _Hey buddy, if you help me out here, I will give you all the attractive women with large breasts that your heart desires!_ " Butt-Head mentally agreed to this deal without a second thought.

Beavis noticed his flamethrower propped against the wall nearby and grabbed it quickly, only tripping once on the way. Looking at Butt-Head, he knew what he had to do.

"Hey Butt-Head, this is like, going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt me." Beavis chuckled to Butt-Head, as he lit up the flamethrower to full power and attacked Butt-Head as he shouted, "FIRE!"

Butt-Head laughed very unlike himself and spoke in his regular voice, but now featuring a Canadian accent and slight demonic echo. His eyes glowed in pentagrams as he said, "You thought you could bring aboot my demise with that weak weapon little boy?!" Beelzaboot threw a giant blob of maple syrup at Beavis, pinning him to the wall and putting out the flame on the weapon.

Beavis looked at his predicament and started laughing. "Hehe, hey Butt-Head look, I'm a booger!"

Butt-Head's eyes blinked and returned to normal momentarily as he laughed and said, "Uhuhuh, you're a booger. Uhuhuhuh." He abruptly turned back into Beelzaboot and continued with his attack.

Likewise, Buzzcut stirred slightly at the stupidity of what Beavis had just said, reminding him of who he was, if only briefly.

Satan's host body laughed maniacally at Beavis's joke as he began to use his satanic powers to battle Beelzaboot's maple syrup bombs and flame farts. After landing in a few hits, Cartman got the feel for how Satan's powers worked. He didn't care to save Canada or about defeating any of these people. The only thing that mattered was the primary objective: burn down Kyle's house. Cartman waited for the right moment to regain control of his body, and then promptly blew up the building. With the battleground now much bigger, he could possibly target Kyle's house from here. Unfortunately, Satan noticed his slip in control.

"Hey kid, we're kinda busy here, could you just let me handle this? We don't need to lose because you won't let me do my job here. I've fought him before okay?"

Cartman remained unconvinced. Victory was still so close in his grasp. "Ummm, no?" He managed to speak out, and continued to fight for control of his body.

The Canadian Devil, sensing Satan's instability, took the opportunity to hurl a flaming Nagasaki at the Prince of Darkness, knocking him to the ground with a groan. Deep inside the mind of Cartman, Satan stared menacingly at the boy's projected self. Satan knew that to win the battle with Beelzaboot, he would have to win the battle with this seemingly normal overweight child.

With Satan knocked unconscious, everyone turned to see Saddam run into Beelzaboot's (And Butt-Head's) arms, Saddam laughing uncontrollably.

Beavis saw Butt-Head holding Saddam and laughed, saying, "What a buttknocker."

Butt-Head again took control and said, "Shut up dillweed!" And then lost control again.

"Hey guy, looks like I win this fight! And your most hated enemy has stolen the heart of your lover. What are you going to do now Satan?!" Saddam said, as he laughed at Cartman's motionless body.


	6. Cartman Goes to Hell

Terrance and Phillip couldn't believe Satan was taken down. They knew they absolutely had to win their battle against Buzzcut if their group had any hope of winning now. Taking advantage of everyone being distracted by Satan's defeat, Terrance and Phillip nodded at each other and both began charging Nagasakis at the same time. One Nagasaki alone would likely be enough to give them the upper hand in the battle, and two was essentially guaranteed to give them victory. They had to cross the fart streams.

Unfortunately, Buzzcut noticed them charging an attack just before they fired it off. He charged for them, but was a moment too late. He was caught point-blank in the crossed fart streams, and thrown violently against the ground. The combined Nagasakis blew debris from the destroyed building farther away, and knocked over the last remaining wall that Beavis was stuck to. The force blew the maple syrup off of Beavis, freeing him from his Canadian prison. Beavis dusted himself off, stood up and looking at Terrance and Phillip, farted quietly.

He laughed and said, "Hey guys, uhh, how did I do?"

Terrance and Phillip were unimpressed by his meager fart, especially since they just performed a Double Nagasaki. They were still able to laugh about it, though, and praised him anyway. They were always able to laugh at a fart.

"Good one buddy!" Phillip said.

The absurdity of the situation made Buzzcut's head whirl. It reminded him of who he really was. He was still lying on the ground, but still remained there as he tried to figure out why he felt that way. Two of those boys were so familiar to him, but why? Buzzcut felt like himself for the first time since Saddam had taken control of him, if just for a brief moment.

"Uhhh, thanks. At least I never lost that ability. Unlike the time I forgot how to pee," Beavis replied.

Something stirred in Buzzcut's memory. Without knowing why, he shouted out, "STEP ONE, UNZIP YOUR PANTS. STEP TWO, TAKE OUT YOUR PENIS. STEP THREE, LEAK!"

Everyone stared at Buzzcut in confusion. Everyone except Beavis and now Butt-Head, despite being possessed. Butt-Head looked at Buzzcut, the dusty cogs in his brain turning, but unable to really move because of how rusty they were.

Buzzcut finally stood up, causing Terrance and Phillip to take a defensive step back. He did not attack them. He wanted to understand his new hesitation before doing anything else.

Saddam failed to hide his disappointment. "Awww, he's turning back to normal! Come on guy, just finish him already! He won't fight for us anymore!" He commanded Beelzaboot.

"Okay, buddy!" Beelzaboot agreed, dramatically strolling up to where Buzzcut stood. "Goodbye, friend!" He yelled, charging a fireball to throw at Buzzcut point-blank. Buzzcut rolled out of the way, but it had proved pointless. The fireball didn't go anywhere near him, as Beelzaboot shot it at Saddam instead. It hit him square in the chest, knocking him over. "That's for spending all that time with this guy and not me, friend!"

Saddam barely lived long enough to register what was said. His dying words for that death ended up being, "Relaaax... guuuuyyyy…" as he let out his final breath.

Satisfied, Beelzaboot turned back to Buzzcut. Butt-Head's voice in his head kept chanting to kick him in the nads. It was deafening. In an attempt to stop the voice, Beelzaboot complied, swiftly moving Butt-Head's leg to deliver a kick to Buzzcut's Jimmy.

Buzzcut's face turned red, but otherwise he did not immediately react. Suddenly, he yelled out "YYYEEESSS!" And that's when it all came back to him. Flashbacks of teaching sex ed to those boys, teaching them how to pee, and unfortunately teaching them CPR before mouth to mouth was considered too inefficient to be used. Recognition flashed across Buzzcut's face as he gazed into Butt-Head's eyes, now glowing red with Canadian demonic energy. He knew Butt-Head's physical weaknesses, which is everything, and swiftly kicked him back in the nads before distancing himself. He knew he didn't stand much of a chance against the Canadian Devil, but tried to prolong the fight the best he could while figuring out a way to win.

* * *

Satan and Cartman were having a Mexican standoff in their shared consciousness. Satan decided that he would have to destroy this child's mind to control it. He launched a fireball towards Cartman's smiling, innocent face. Suddenly a fortress appeared to block the attack. A sign over the closed gate read, "Kingdom of Kupa Keep." Satan was dumbstruck. He had no idea what he was looking at, but he had invaded Heaven. No meager fortress would stop him.

Cartman smirked at Satan from behind his fortress. "You think you can stop me here? Fuck you, Satan!"

Satan frowned and said, "Oh come on, we had a deal! You promiiiised!"

Cartman would have none of it. "You can't control me! Nobody can! Not even Cesar Millan! Meeeeeeeeeem! Get me some cheesy poofs!"

Suddenly Cartman's mom appeared and handed him a bag of cheesy poofs. Cartman began to eat and realized that he had unlimited cheesy poofs here. He realized that with Satan's power, he could have this all of the time. He knew he could never give it up. He had to win. It was fuckin' sweet. He tried to use the powers to give himself the ultimate dream body, but nothing happened. He realized he already had the perfect body. He was totally shredded and ripped.

Satan, angry that Cartman wouldn't listen to reason, summoned a horde of demons to destroy Cartman's keep. Cartman sensed the danger immediately and using the powers of Satan and his own mind, summoned Mecha-Streisand, knowing that she would scare Satan.

Satan couldn't believe what he was seeing. A giant monster was attacking him and he had no idea how this child would have access to such power so easily. Satan used every bit of his power and attacked the beast, his horde of demons backing up the attack. Unfortunately, Satan's attack was futile and everything bounced off the monster. Growing in size, Satan decided to grab the monster and launch her into the depths of Cartman's mind, where it would take hours to be recovered. Cartman, realizing how much harder it would be to beat Satan without the creature, attempted to call her back for later use by throwing a Chinpokomon ball at her. He was unable to capture the creature, as Satan hurled her away.

Now within the keep, Satan had to act fast. He knew that was only his first line of defense, but hoped it was the most powerful.

Cartman thought deeply about everything he had done in his life. He thought of KFC, Casa Bonita, and chili. He realized that none of these would be enough to stop the oncoming attack. He thought about that time he wrote that story to make fun of Kyle for being Jewish. That was pretty funny. Suddenly small woodland critters appeared, protecting Cartman. He realized that with his powers, he could defeat Satan and finally take down Kyle once and for all in one swift stroke. Satan laughed at the seemingly innocent critters.

There was a bear cub, a baby deer, a fox, a beaver, a skunk, a mouse, a squirrel, a woodpecker, a raccoon, a rabbit, a porcupine, and a chickadee. They were quite cute, Satan thought. He walked up to them and politely said, "Hey you guys, can I go through? I have to beat that kid and take over his mind."

The critters looked at each other and the bear finally said, "Well hey fella, we can't just let you pass! He's our lord and master you see, and we can't let him get hurt! We love you Satan, but we can't just let you hurt him! Gosh, he made us!"

Satan looked at the critters, their eyes glowing red. He recognized it as his own power. Cartman had summoned these critters with Satan's own powers to destroy him. He was completely at a loss. Looking at the smiling child behind the critters, Satan realized he had severely underestimated him.

Using all of his powers, Satan tried to counteract their abilities, but because they too closely resembled his own, he could do little. The critters attacked Satan, throwing everything they had at him. Satan felt a horrible pain and realized that the critters were raping his open wounds.

Crying and in total agony, Satan folded. He was unable to stop as Cartman took complete control of all of his powers. He had lost. Satan, in his last moments, prayed to God for help and guidance. God, hearing his call, removed his mind from Cartman's body, bringing him to Heaven for recuperation.

* * *

Everyone in the room looked over in horror as they could already tell something was seriously wrong with Cartman's body. He suddenly opened his eyes and stared at everyone.

Laughing, he realized he had complete control of Satan's power, but without his stupid nagging voice in his head. He could do anything he wanted. "Aw dude, fuckin' awesome! I can finally do what I always wanted to do…"

Flying high into the air, Cartman looked off into the distance, south towards his home in Colorado. Using Satan's energy, he fired a beam directly at a house there, destroying it.

* * *

Things were quiet at the McCormick household. Kenny's parents were out at the bar and both of his siblings were at friends' houses, leaving him home to watch the house. He was lazily flicking through channels when Kyle called his cell phone.

"Hey Kenny, wanna come over? Me and Stan are gonna go throw rocks at cars."

"Mmmhmm!" Kenny agreed. He kept his phone in his hand while walking out the front door, as Kyle was filling him in on some details.

Suddenly, Kenny saw a beam of fiery energy in the distance. It was headed right for him. He could only scream as it hit his house, destroying it instantly. "Mmmphhmmmm…." He muttered into his phone, his dying words as he was crushed under some large debris…

* * *

Kyle could do nothing as he heard the destruction from the other end of the phone. "Kenny? Are you okay? What happened?! KENNY!" His cries became more frantic, but he got no response. He only heard the sound of something smouldering, and hoped it wasn't Kenny or his house. He turned to Stan, tears streaming down his face. "Oh my God...They killed Kenny…"

Stan stood in disbelief. How could one of his friends be dead? And so young? "Those bastards…" was all he could manage to say before he too broke down in tears. He let the tears flow and embraced Kyle, crying in each other's arms. Their friend had now departed the earthly realm, forever.

* * *

Ecstatic that he finally destroyed Kyle's house, Cartman floated back down towards the ground, oblivious to the terrified stares everyone was giving him. He decided to see what other powers he had. Concentrating, he summoned a horde of demons, that pulled him into the ground.

Cartman reemerged in Hell, his new kingdom. He flew over the masses, the souls of the damned, and took in the scenery. Seeing a large crowd of new members, he noticed Kenny.

"Kenny! What the fuck are you doing here?" Cartman said, as he hovered over Kenny, before flying off.

Kenny noticed Cartman flying around with a Satanic glow around his body, and wondered what he had possibly been up to while in Texas for a couple days. He muttered a muffled "WHAT THE FUCK?!" to himself.

Cartman kept flying through Hell, and somehow managed to pick out his dad from the crowd at Hell's annual chili cook off.

"Hi Dad, sorry I turned you into chili I guess, but why did you have to be a ginger? It's okay though, you were a Denver Bronco too," He called out to his dad, but kept going before he could reply.

Jack Tenorman looked up, confused at what he had just heard. He just remembered his last moments being shot and dying alongside his wife. Shrugging, he went back to headbanging and eating a chili with a very interesting taste. He wondered where his wife went as he ate the delicious food, thinking it would go well with a hot dog.

Not picking out any other familiar faces in Hell, except his grandmother which he wanted to avoid, Cartman decided to return to Canada. He still needed to get back at that Beelzaboot asshole that knocked him out. He also needed to check on his babysitters, not that he really cared all that much for them. Once again he summoned his demons, opening a portal to Canada.

* * *

"Woah cool!" Beavis exclaimed. "That was like, something out of a music video or something. The way all those little scary arms came out of the ground and like, pulled him into it. Um, hey Butt-Head, did you see that?"

Butt-Head would have agreed, but he was too busy being possessed. Still. Being possessed was starting to suck. Beelzaboot made him resume his fight against everyone else.

"Now that he's out of the way, nothing can stop me!" Beelzaboot snarled with glee. Summoning his pitchfork into Butt-Head's hand, he attempted to stab at Terrance and Phillip, receiving a fart in his face after missing. It was enough to slow him down, but not to stop him. Buzzcut tried to help them by throwing in occasional punches, but Beelzaboot kept fighting on.

Climbing out from Hell, Saddam returned to the action and found himself close to Buzzcut. Looking up at him, Saddam noticed a sense of urgency to enter the fray in Buzzcut.

"Relaaaax guy. You don't have anything to worry about! Say, why don't we go back to my room and have a little fun while Beelzaboot takes care of this?" Saddam said, thrusting in the air while he spoke.

Buzzcut noticed Saddam and kicked him clear across the room, knocking him unconscious. Beelzaboot flew to his lover's side, finding him on the ground.

Beelzaboot glared at Buzzcut and said, "Hey buddy! You can't do that to him! He's _my_ boyfriend! I'm so tired of you butting in on our relationship!"

Beelzaboot flew across the room, attacking Buzzcut with his pitchfork. Buzzcut saw the attack coming easily and not only dodged, but grabbed the pitchfork out of Butt-Head's naturally sweaty hands.

Beelzaboot was surprised a mortal could do this but didn't think much of it. The mortal body he controlled would take any attacks and protect him, and he sensed Buzzcut did not like the being he inhabited. He pondered letting the boy be struck down, making it seem like Buzzcut had won, before destroying him outright.

Saddam woke up, shaking his head then seeing what was before him said, "Oh yeah baby! That pain and pleasure stuff gets me HOT! Oh Buzzcut, your sexy ass should stab that kid. You know you want to! Kill him and Beelzaboot and together we can rule Canada!"

Saddam laughed maniacally as Buzzcut contemplated the situation. He thought about how he could finally get rid of Butt-Head and rule his own country. On the other hand, he would be stabbing one of his own students. While there's no explicit rule forbidding gym teachers to stab their own students, he had a feeling deep down that they weren't supposed to do that. You could probably get fired for that. Not to mention he would be following advice from an evil dictator that was supposed to be dead several times over. He held the pitchfork over his head, aimed at Butt-Head, unsure.

Suddenly, a portal appeared out of the ground, Cartman appearing again. He returned the same way he had left. "Hey guys, I'm back, had some business to take care of."

Beelzaboot faced him, nervous and surprised that he had returned. "Oh, you're back, buddy. Guess I'll have to finish you off once and for all!"

Beelzaboot looked up and noticed Buzzcut was still standing over him with the pitchfork. Taking this opportunity, Beelzaboot teleported similarly to how Cartman had earlier, except with a flurry of maple leaves instead of fire. He reappeared behind Buzzcut, stealing away the pitchfork. He tossed the weapon at Cartman, hoping to catch him by surprise. Cartman, having all of Satan's powers, was barely grazed by the weapon, creating a small cut on his left ass cheek.

"Hey asshole! You made my ass bleed! Only Chipotle can do that! And that one time I got my period," Cartman declared, as he charged with all of his power towards Beelzaboot. Summoning a great flame attack mixed with some lightning he used to strike down Saddam the first time, he fired it at Beelzaboot. In Butt-Head's body, Beelzaboot countered with a powerful fart, drawing on the nachos Butt-Head had eaten earlier.

The fart and the flame attack were equally matched until suddenly Butt-Head took control of his body for a moment and said, "Uhhh, I need to take a dump."

The flame attack was at its end though, and Butt-Head was barely touched by the flames. He walked to the bathroom, the only room still standing as everyone watched in shock and silence. He closed the door and in the silence, Butt-Head's struggle began. Everyone silently and awkwardly looked to one another as agonizing sounds were uttered from behind the door until finally they stopped. Butt-Head looked down at what he had created and knew he needed to show Beavis. "Hey Beavis! Check it out! I made a big dump."

Beavis laughed and walked over to the bathroom, looking in the toilet. Inside was Beelzaboot, encased in a hard layer of feces and trapped in the toilet.

"WOAH!" Beavis shouted. "Hey guys check it out!"

Everyone rushed to the bathroom and stared in shock at what was in the toilet. There sat Beelzaboot. He even had his pitchfork. Beavis laughed as he flushed the toilet, the Canadian Devil becoming clogged in the drain. Beavis pulled out a plunger and worked to get the drain unclogged because he knew how to do this. He pooped too much. Unclogging the toilet, Beelzaboot went down the drain, muffled screams emanating from the toilet.

Cartman watched the scene unfold, disappointed he wasn't the one to defeat Beelzaboot. "Aww, no fair, I wanted to beat him!"

Suddenly, a heavenly light focused on him, and a voice could be heard from the clouds. "My son, it is time for you to return those powers now that the Canadian Devil is defeated."

Before he could respond, Cartman was struck by a bolt of holy lightning, knocking him to the ground. Satan walked down from heaven, reentering Cartman's body through the cut on his buttcheek. His body was engulfed by a dark energy and flames, and Satan left once again, his powers intact. Cartman was left with none of the powers, and feeling pretty ripped off.

"Dude, what the fuck! I was doing perfectly fine with those powers! Fuck you, God! You almighty fag!" Cartman slowly got off the ground, brushing himself off. "I'm going to become an atheist now! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WON'T BELIEVE IN ANY FUCKING GOD THAT FUCKS ME LIKE THIS!"

The Canadian God overheard Cartman saying such things about God and did not take kindly to it. He took aim and farted a particularly stinky green bolt of lighting at Cartman, knocking him out and silencing him.

Buzzcut was alarmed, since he taught health class he knew he had to try to save his temporary "student." He rushed over to Cartman's body, and immediately began performing mouth-to-mouth to try to revive him. Beavis and Butt-Head snickered at the sight of their gym teacher seemingly kissing him, and Terrance and Phillip watched silently, but deadly.

* * *

Cartman woke up next to the nurse that had gone with everyone on the bus. As Terrance and Phillip waved goodbye, the bus drove away, leaving Canada. The entire country began to sing the national anthem in honor of the heroes who had saved it.

As Saddam Hussein was crucified and screaming in agony on a giant maple leaf, the people sang, "O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!"

Stewart was sitting across from Cartman looking really worried for his safety. Stewart had no idea what had happened but after Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman had disappeared. The entire group went into a panic, searching everywhere for them. Everyone was glad to see them back, since they could finally leave Canada.

Buzzcut was glad to be away from the chaos and now sat across from Mr. Van Driessen. Van Driessen had to comment on Buzzcut's interesting attire. "Oh, Buzzcut! I didn't know you were so progressive! That look suits you."

"JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING AB…" Buzzcut trailed off as he glanced down at his revealing dancer getup, having forgotten it was on. His face turned bright red once again that day. "WHAT HAS THIS STUPID CANADIAN WASTELAND DONE TO ME!" His rage only built after he realized his only extra clothes were in his luggage and he was unable to change until they got to the hotel.

Cartman was already almost fully recovered. Having been previously struck by lightning, he knew how to handle it, for the most part. Exhausted, Cartman fell asleep in his seat. Beavis and Butt-Head were laughing, having secretly kept the flamethrower and hidden it in Beavis's shirt. They just told everyone Beavis ate too many nachos. Everyone was too concerned about leaving so they were ignored.

As they drove through the mountains, they finally approached a quiet little mountain town. The bus drove towards it as a large sign could be seen in the distance.


	7. Sex Pork

As the bus drove over the hill, they could finally see the sign clearly. Of course, Beavis and Butt-Head didn't really care what it said because they could barely read anyway.

"Uh… Sss… Sot… Sex? Uhuhuh, sex?" Butt-Head said, trying to read the sign. "Whoa, Beavis, we might finally be able to score here."

Beavis perked up. "Yeah! Sex! Boioioing… But uhh, what's that other word? P… uh… Pork? Sex Pork? Woah, cool! I wonder what sex pork tastes like, Butt-Head?"

Butt-Head laughed at Beavis. "You dumbass, don't you know what pork means?"

Beavis and Butt-Head were still giggling among themselves as the bus rolled into the town and everyone began unloading. Van Driessen looked around before being the first person to comment.

"Wasn't there supposed to be a music festival? Where is it?" He found Cartman in the crowd and asked him directly.

Cartman noticed the filthy hippie teacher was spouting its nasty breath at him and thought up a quick reply. "What? I only made that up so I could drag these guys home with me. That and nobody wanted to write that part."

Van Driessen was going to get disappointed but was too confused by the last comment. He decided to ignore it and look at the bright side of the situation. "Well, that's alright, I heard there's a planetarium we could all go to in this town that would be very educational for everyone."

"No way, screw that place! It's boring." Cartman said angrily. "Besides, I still need to see Kyle's crying face and rub it in that I burned down his house."

Cartman tried to lead everyone towards Kyle's house but Buzzcut was having none of it, yelling, "YOU ARE THE MOST EVIL LITTLE BASTARD I'VE MET SINCE BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD, AND WE WILL **NOT** DO WHAT YOU WANT NOW THAT WE ARE HERE!"

"Okay, that's it!" Cartman said, then added, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" and promptly began to leave. Beavis and Butt-Head followed him, snickering.

Buzzcut was steaming mad, but didn't care enough anymore to try and prevent him from leaving. What he didn't notice was that Beavis and Butt-Head were following him.

* * *

Beavis and Butt-Head had busied themselves by digging through Cartman's closet, much to his annoyance.

"You guys, seriously, I know you're super jealous of how cool and awesome my room is, but if you don't put down my Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer I will kick you square in the nuts!" Cartman yelled at them. "This is my house so you have to respect my authoritah!"

"Woah, Butt-Head, check out this picture! The baby scored!" Beavis exclaimed, holding up a picture he had found. Butt-Head dropped the toy bulldozer in shock at the photo. It was the picture Cartman took with Butters's penis in his mouth.

"Woah Beavis! It's a dude!" Butt-Head was surprised that their kid had scored before them, but it was with a dude so that made it different.

Cartman was alarmed for a moment before realizing his cover-up story about the photo would trick them. "Oh, I had a sleepover with Butters and I was going to take a nice picture for his mom, but I tripped and fell and my mouth landed on his wiener, and then I thought of a really funny joke so that's why I am smiling and giving a thumbs up. That sneaky Jew Kyle took this picture to try to make it look like I scored with a dude."

Beavis and Butt-Head both calmed down more after hearing this solid explanation.

"Oohhh, yeah, that makes sense," Beavis stated, nodding in agreement.

"Great. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to take a shower. I haven't had one since we left your house, and that shower was fucking gross! You guys have a house that smells like Kenny's!" Cartman told them before running off to the bathroom. He was glad they were stupid enough to buy his explanation for that picture.

After Cartman left, Beavis and Butt-Head were left to their own devices in the room. It wasn't long before Beavis found another photo nearby. "Wow, this kid really likes to take pictures. Wait, Butt-Head, check it out! Boobs!"

Butt-Head looked at the photo, unaware it was really a picture of Cartman's buttcheeks with nipples crudely drawn on. After a bit of thinking, Beavis and Butt-Head both came to the conclusion that they should be whacking off to the photo and chose Cartman's closet as a good place to do so. It reminded them a bit of Mr. Anderson's tool shed, but with more toys and less tools.

They whacked off while Cartman took his long shower, quietly humming tween wave music to himself.

In the middle of whacking off, Butt-Head overheard Cartman and stopped for a moment, asking Beavis, "Is that kid taking a huge dump in the shower?"

Beavis stopped for a minute and said, "Ohhh yeah…" with a slight chuckle, then began masturbating much harder. After a few more moments the door to Cartman's room burst open. To their shock and pleasure, Cartman's mom appeared at the door. "Sweetie, I'm finally home! Where are you?" At that moment they both finished masturbating, covering the photo in their creamy goo.

Cartman's mom stared at the pair, their mouths hanging as open as the flies of their pants. She rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, boys will be boys!" and left the room, assuming that everything was alright if they were in her son's room and the shower was on. She left to go back downstairs, leaving Beavis and Butt-Head alone once more.

Cartman returned from the shower, wearing a towel. He had forgotten to get his clothes and noticed his babysitters in his closet, staring at the door. Luckily for Cartman the boys had zipped up their pants, but they were still stupefied that Cartman's mom had seen their schlongs.

"I hope you guys didn't mess up my stuff!" he told them as he inspected his stuff in the closet. Noticing nothing was amiss, he was about to praise them for leaving his things alone before seeing his butt photo. Most importantly, what was on it.

"You guys spilled the last of Butters's Creamy Goo! They don't make that stuff anymore!" he yelled, jerking the photo out of Butt-Head's hands. He licked the photo clean, savoring every last drop of the creamy goo.

Beavis and Butt-Head both watched in disgust, although Butt-Head handled it a little better. He stared wide eyed in shock, horror, but also amusement. Beavis got up and tried to make a mad dash for the bathroom, but didn't quite make it before vomiting all over the hallway and subsequently tripping and falling face-first into it.

Butt-Head and Cartman erupted in laughter at Beavis. As the laughter subsided, Cartman remembered his original plan for the day. "Hey, guys, I bet that stupid Jew Kyle is at Stan's house since I burned down his. We should go over there and make fun of him for being homeless."

"Woah, you burned down a house? Cool!" Butt-Head said, wide-eyed again.

Beavis overheard Cartman while he was standing up and said, "Cool! Fire!"

"Yeah, I blew up his house while I was in Canada. It was pretty sweet," Cartman clarified. "Anyway, let's go over there before his tears dry up."

* * *

Cartman, Beavis, and Butt-Head were all walking to Stan's when they started to smell the still strong scent of smoke. Cartman giggled as he sniffed it in heavily, coughing a bit. To him, it was worth it. They finally reached Stan's house and Butt-Head had a brilliant idea.

"Hey dude, have you ever like, rang the doorbell and like, ran away? It's totally cool."

Beavis remembered the time they did some ding dong ditch. "Oohhh yeah, that is cool. We should do it again here."

Cartman nodded, always eager to mess with Stan or Kyle. "Alright, let's do this."

Cartman rang the doorbell quickly and ran away, hiding in the nearby bushes. Butt-Head stood laughing for a moment, then ran away to join Cartman. Beavis stayed there laughing, forgetting where he was. He picked his nose as the door was answered.

Randy opened the door, beer in hand and wearing only underwear, hiding his leggings behind the door. No one could know that he was actually Lorde. "Umm, hi?"

Beavis continued picking his nose. "Hey how's it goin'?"

Meanwhile from behind the bushes, Butt-Head was thinking about how cool they were, and Cartman was attempting to hold back laughter at Beavis's expense, his giggles rustling the bushes slightly.

Randy took notice of this and said, "Hey you, what are you doing in my bushes?!"

Cartman abruptly stopped laughing and Beavis said, "Ohhhh yeah," running away, down the street.

Randy just shrugged his shoulders and closed the door. Cartman laughed hard, then yelled for Beavis to come back. Beavis, just within earshot, heard him and turned around, running back, hiding behind the bushes.

"Okay guys, let's try this again." Cartman said, still giggling uncontrollably. He knew they would get the intended result if he made them wait in the bushes while he rang the doorbell, but it was too funny to make Beavis do it.

They repeated everything the way they had before, the results the same. Randy answered the door as Beavis stood there, alone, picking his nose.

"Uhhh kid, are you okay?" Randy asked Beavis.

"Yeah, this is pretty cool," Beavis answered. He was excited to ding dong ditch twice so far in one day. "I'm playing ding dong ditch!"

Randy, dismayed at Beavis's apparent misunderstanding of how ding dong ditch was done, decided he should help the poor boy out by teaching him. Randy himself was a master at the art and knew that with the right motivation, he could pass this power on to the bright young man in front of him. "No, see, you're doing it wrong. I could train you in the fine art of ding dong ditch. Come inside, I'm going to get ready to run and get some beer and I could teach you on the way."

Cartman and Butt-Head rushed to the door, and Cartman politely asked, "Would Stan or perhaps Kyle happen to be here right now?"

"Oh, yeah, they should be up in Stan's room. I think they were playing on Facebook or something," Randy replied. He stepped aside to lead his new guests in his house. "So, Eric, who are your new friends? They seem… older than your usual friends."

"They were my babysitters when my Mom went to Texas but now they're just kind of here because their school burned down." Cartman said, more concerned about seeing Kyle's tears and perhaps tasting their salty goodness.

"Oh, okay. Well, make yourself at home boys, I'm going to get ready to head out," Randy said before heading up to his room to get dressed. Finally alone, Cartman walked up to Stan's room.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I burned down your house, Jew!" Cartman immediately yelled as he burst through the door, much to Stan and Kyle's confusion.

Kyle looked at Cartman with a blank stare and said, "Fatass, what are you even talking about? My house is fine, Kenny's house burned down and he died."

Cartman froze, unsure whether or not that Kyle was doing another one of his sneaky Jew lies. "Nice try, Kyle, but I know I hit your house! There's no way I could have missed! You're a disgusting homeless asshole now!"

"No, dude, Kyle is being serious. Kenny really did die," Stan said, backing up Kyle as both started to look noticeably angry.

Cartman was angry too now. "Oh GODDAMN IT! Stupid fucking poor people ruin everything!"

Beavis and Butt-Head walked into the room much more quietly, distracting Stan and Kyle both.

"Who are these guys?" Stan asked simply.

"Oh, these are my ultra cool new best friends! They are way fucking better than you and Kyle!" Cartman said.

"Yeah, we are really cool babysitters, but the baby sucks." Butt-Head said.

Kyle and Stan stared at Cartman, his face turning a heavy shade of red. They laughed insanely at Cartman, to the point that Kyle began crying.

"I hate you guys," Cartman said through his teeth. "Except you, Beavis. You're still cool."

Beavis scratched his ass and said, "Oh hey, thanks."

Once they finally stopped laughing at Cartman for sucking as a baby, Stan and Kyle took a good look at his babysitters. They could just tell that they were beings that should be avoided at all costs. It was too late for them to avoid Cartman like that, but perhaps they could prevent another disaster by keeping their distance from these boys. Like that was going to happen.

Randy came into the room, fully dressed. "Hey kid, you ready? Um, I don't even know your name."

Beavis looked at Randy and said, "Ohh yeah, uhh…" realizing he had forgotten his own name.

"His name is Douchebag 2," Cartman answered for him.

Butt-Head looked at Cartman and said, "Shut up dillweed, his name is Buttknocker!" he said, looking seriously at everyone.

"Shut up Butt-Head, I'm not a buttknocker!" Beavis said, fuming.

Randy stared at the boys. "Now wait just a minute! None of those sound like real names, especially not Butt-Head," he pointed out. "But if your name really is Buttknocker young man, then I am very sorry. Let's get going, Buttknocker!"

"Dammit! I am not Buttknocker! I'll kill you, Butt-Head!" Beavis yelled, beginning to strangle Butt-Head.

"Yeah Beavis! Kick his fuckin' ass!" Cartman yelled with the utmost joy. He kept the newly learned slur in mind to annoy Beavis with later, but wanted to see him beat up Butt-Head.

Randy stood confused, much like everyone else in the room, by the fight that was happening. He assumed he could easily take care of it. "Now now, don't worry boys, I can teach everyone how to ding dong ditch, but it's going to take some time. No need to fight over me about it."

Beavis let go of Butt-Head, calming down more now. "Ummm, okay," he said to Randy.

"I'm going to go get some beer and then we can train in the ways of ding dong ditch, young Beavis. Let's go," Randy said to him. "The rest of you seem to get it fine, we'll be back later."

Cartman, Butt-Head, Stan, and Kyle were confused as Randy and Beavis left them to go do who knows what. Cartman looked at Butt-Head and shrugged his shoulders, saying, "Who needs him anyway? Do you guys wanna come over to my house and watch the Terrance and Phillip movie without him?"

Everyone agreed that would be a good idea, but Shelly noticed them before they got out the door. "What are you turds up to…" she trailed off as she noticed the beautiful young man accompanying them. "And who's... this?"

Shelly's eyes lit up in amazement at the stunning older boy standing in front of him. His dark, soft looking hair was begging to be touched and his large head obviously signified brilliance. His intelligent grin, coupled with braces just like hers was enough to prove that she needed to have this boy in her life, and quickly.

"Oh hey Shelly, we're just going over to Cartman's to watch the Terrance and Phillip movie," Stan replied.

"Well, I'm going to join you turds, need to make sure you stay out of trouble," Shelly told them, then added, "Plus… I think I'll learn a lot from your new friend. Umm, what's his name?"

"Uhhh, I'm Butt-Head," Butt-Head answered her. He scratched his ass.

"Hello, Butt-Head," said Shelly, her eyes checking out his entire slim body, noting that he had good taste in music from his Metallica shirt. "Well, let's get going, then." With any luck, she would be able to come back home with a new boyfriend.

* * *

Beavis was standing in front of the door as Mr. Stotch answered it. Stephen stood, staring at Beavis until finally he said, "Ohhh yeah." and ran away. Randy looked at Beavis in dismay, already feeling like a failure. Then he had an idea.

"Don't feel bad kid, it's hard at first. Maybe you would do better if you were trying to do this with someone else." Randy said, ringing the bell to speak with Mr. Stotch.

Mr. Stotch answered the door and said, "Oh, hello Randy, what can I do for you?"

"Hello Stephen, I know your son Butters is friends with my son Stan. Well, I'm teaching Stan's friend how to ding dong ditch and I thought maybe Butters could help me out a little bit. It would be good for him to learn some good, old fashioned pranking."

"Oh, so that's who that kid was who rang my doorbell. Sure, he looks like he could use all the help he can get." He turned around and yelled up the stairs. "Butters! Get down here! You have to help Mr. Marsh teach this kid some good old fashioned ding dong ditching or you are grounded mister, do you hear me?!"

Soon enough, Butters appeared in the doorway. "Well, okay dad, I'll do my best. One time Eric ding dong ditched me real good. Why… He even left flaming poop on the front porch at the same time!"

"That's great son, now help them learn how to ding dong ditch properly!" Stephen yelled at his son before pushing Butters outside, closing the door behind him.

Beavis, Butters, and Randy all walked down the street, eventually reaching Jimmy's house. "This should be an easy house since it will take this kid longer to reach the door," Randy told his group. Randy, Butters, and Beavis rang the doorbell as Randy explained what to do once again.

"Now boys, I just rang the doorbell. Normally we would run immediately but since we have the extra time, I thought I would spell it out for you. You both walk to the closest hiding place and wait to see the reaction. Watch what I do, and then copy me," Randy said, then running behind a nearby dumpster.

Butters looked at Beavis and said, "Come on fella!" as he ran behind the dumpster, joining Randy. Beavis noticed some dog poop on the ground next to the stairs and became transfixed on it, not noticing anything around him, or the door opening.

"H-he-hello?" Jimmy asked, confused at the distracted stranger at his doorstep.

Beavis focused his attention back on Jimmy, having been too distracted to run, thus failing again. "Uhh, hey. How's it goin'?"

"Might I inquire why you rang my d-d-d-door b-b-bell?" Jimmy asked.

Realization dawned on Beavis. He remembered what he must do now. "Ohhh, oohh boy," he muttered to himself as he ran back behind the dumpster to join the others. Jimmy stood at his door, perplexed.

"What the f-f-fu-fuck?" Jimmy muttered before going back in his house to sit back down.

"No, see, you run away when we do." Randy whispered to Beavis, then turned to Butters. "Kid, I brought you along to help him out, why didn't you?"

"Well, gee wiz Mr. Marsh, I tried." Butters said sadly. "But I know I can do it if we try again!"

They tried again, as Beavis picked up a stick on the way to the porch. Everything repeated and once again, Beavis was distracted by the poop, this time picking it up with the stick and putting it on the porch to poke it better.

He muttered, "Poop!" repeatedly under his breath as Jimmy once again answered the door, now more bewildered than before.

"Wow what a terrific audience," Jimmy said sarcastically as Beavis once again remembered what he was doing and ran away. This time though, Jimmy attempted to follow, not noticing the large pile of dog shit on the porch, landing his crutch right in it. He tripped and fell all over it, then off the porch, trapped on the ground.

Randy burst out laughing at what had just happened, unable to contain himself.

Butters had a different reaction. "Aww, well I reckon we should help him up."

Randy ceased his laughter to berate Butters for another failure. "No, that's gay. Butters, you go back home. You suck at this."

Meanwhile Jimmy, rolling in the dog shit and unable to get up spoke for help. "C-co-could somebody p-p-please help me up? I seem to be trapped in d-dog shit and can't get up very much."

Everyone ignored him as Butters sulked home, sad to be such a failure.

Randy led Beavis down the street, ready to give this young man a proper pranking education. He had a long way to go.

* * *

Stephen noticed his son coming back home and glanced at him over his newspaper. "How did it go, son?"

"Well, I didn't do too good, sorry dad. I guess I'm just no good at doing ding dong ditch," Butters replied.

Stephen was disappointed at his son's failure, but not entirely too surprised. "You are grounded, mister! We were counting on you to help that poor boy learn how to properly ding dong ditch! Upstairs, now!"

Dismayed, Butters said, "Yes, sir," and climbed up the stairs in shame.

* * *

The Terrance and Phillip movie was as amazing as ever, but Shelly wasn't paying much attention to it. She was busy scouting out every inch of Butt-Head, hoping he would notice her, not realizing she was too young and flat for even him to see her that way.

Shelly whispered to him. "Hey Butt-Head! Umm, how about we ditch these turds and go back to my place?"

"Uhh no way, I'm watching TV!" Butt-Head said, ignoring her completely.

Shelly crossed her arms, sad and angry that she had been rejected by someone as amazing as he. She just wasn't good enough for this shining knight before her. "Okay, maybe later…" she muttered. She noticed her arms were crossed, reminding her of a critical obligation.

"Oh man, I forgot about my stupid crossing guard job."

Cartman perked up after hearing this. Crossing guards had authoritah, and Cartman would take authoritah over stupid sixth graders any day.

"Umm, Ms. Shelly, I would be willing to do it for you out of the kindness of my heart!" Cartman said as sweetly as he could muster, causing Stan and Kyle to exchange a concerned glance.

"Oh no Cartman, you have something planned, I just know it!" Kyle said suspiciously.

Cartman had to think quickly, realizing he had an easy excuse. "Oh Kyle, whatever do you mean? I will take my new best friend Butt-Head with me to show him the skewl!"

"No way baby bunghole, I don't want to go to school, it burned down," Butt-Head said, chewing on some cheesy poofs.

Shelly was distracted by this, noticing that the pieces of the cheesy poofs were stuck in his braces… Just like what happened to her! How romantic.

"Come ONNNN!" Cartman said, urging Butt-Head to do what he wanted. "My Mehm said you had to watch me and you won't get paid if you don't come with me! And besides, we get to wear cool vests and sunglasses." He leaned in closer, whispering in Butt-Head's ear. "We'd be the boss of everyone!"

Butt-Head pondered for a moment and decided that he would follow Cartman. Shelly led them to her house quickly, grabbing Butt-Head by his cheesy poof dust-covered hand to lead him there, but more for her own personal pleasure. They reached her house and she led them into her room, excited that the boy she liked was in her room. She was sad to see him go, but handed him her crossing guard gear. She was proud that he was doing her work for her, like what a real man would do for his woman. He was indeed quite manly.

At last, they were geared up. Cartman and Butt-Head were both sporting thick aviator sunglasses and orange vests. Shelly couldn't help but sneak a peek at her new crush's ass as he made his way towards the garage. Grabbing Shelly's electric scooter, they began to ride off, looking badass as they made their way towards the school. They were ready to exercise their new authoritah.


	8. Two Guys, One Box

Cartman and Butt-Head were riding along on the scooter together, but they were having a bad time. Both of them wanted to pilot the scooter of authority and were fighting a battle of immense proportions.

"Let me ride in front! It was my idea to do this!" Cartman yelled at Butt-Head, trying to shove him out of his way.

"No way butt-baby, I get to ride in front. I'm like, the resonsbigiggle adult, or something," Butt-Head scolded him.

"Hey! Respect my auth-" Cartman said as Butt-Head kicked him in the face to push him back. He accidentally destabilized the scooter, forcing it to weave into the path of an oncoming truck. It happened to be driven by none other than Jimbo and Ned.

Realizing he couldn't avoid hitting them, Jimbo yelled out, "Look out Ned, it's coming straight for us!"

Cartman kicked off of Butt-Head to propel himself out of harm's way, effectively shoving Butt-Head to the ground. Failing to get out of the way in time, Butt-Head was hit hard by the slowing truck, sending him flying.

Jimbo kept going and said, "Ned, we can't tell anyone about this."

Cartman wasted no time walking over to where Butt-Head lay to point and laugh at him. Butt-Head looked around, dazed, with his vision blurry and his mind more absent than usual.

South Park surgeon, Dr. Gouache happened to be taking a walk nearby when the collision happened and rushed to the scene. Butt-Head slowly got to his feet and Dr. Gouache prepared a quick check up to see what damage had been done. He felt Butt-Head's pulse and checked his vision and reflexes before looking at Cartman gravely.

"I'm afraid your friend is catatonic. His brain will never function again. My assessment of a patient is never wrong."

Butt-Head looked at the doctor and said, "Uhuhu, what? Your ass?"

"No my friend, my assessment. See, the poor boy is nearly a vegetable."

"Uhuhuh, you said ass. Like, twice," Butt-Head once again pointed out.

The doctor shook his head in dismay and left, climbing into his truck.

Cartman was laughing harder than he had in a long time. Seeing Butt-Head get run over was priceless, but the exchange he was having with the town quack was making it even better. He didn't realize he was on the highway until Dr. Gouache's truck suddenly drove up behind him. Cartman too was run over before he was able to make a smartass comment about it.

The doctor kept going just like Jimbo, no longer interested in the situation since he wasn't going to be paid to help anyone here.

Luckily for Cartman, he had enough natural cushion to bounce harmlessly off the road with a squeak.

"Well, that fuckin' sucked." Cartman said, sore from the collision, but not seriously injured in any way. "Still not as bad as getting hit by that bus though."

Butt-Head got up, still a bit delirious from the hit and run, and picked up a stick off the ground. "BABY BASEBALL!"

He tried hitting Cartman with the stick as hard as he could, but it just wasn't as easy to send obese children flying as it was small animals. He tried hitting him again a few more times, much to Cartman's dismay, but it still didn't work. His fat did indeed jiggle though.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?" Cartman yelled. "That hurts, asshole!"

Cartman channeled his rage into deftly getting to his feet and immediately tackling Butt-Head, his sudden movement enough to knock Butt-Head to the ground. He immediately began slapping Butt-Head across the face rapidly, although not doing much damage.

Butt-Head countered with a kick to Cartman's nads, saying, "Get off of me you buttknocker!"

They proceeded to have an all out fight, the likes of which have never before been seen in any crossover.

* * *

Beavis and Randy walked away slowly as the explosion went off behind them. Randy tipped down his sunglasses and said, "Beavis, that isn't how you do it either. Maybe we should take a break."

Beavis pushed on the bridge to his sunglasses. "Yeah, okay," he agreed.

They walked with an aura of professionalism to Skeeter's Bar for some drinks and to relax.

They entered the bar and were greeted by stares from everyone in the room. People fixated on Beavis as they strode up to the bar counter and sat on the stools. Beavis scratched his ass before sitting, everyone watching him closely.

"Hey! We don't take kindly to your kind around here," an ominous voice boomed.

"Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody," another voice quickly followed.

"Chill out guys. He's cool." Randy said, gesturing to Beavis. "Beers for me and my friend."

The bartender looked at Beavis, squinting his eyes before asking, "Hey uh, Randy, is this kid old enough to be drinking?"

Randy shrugged his shoulders and said with dismay, "I don't know, but he needs some cheering up. He can't ding dong ditch."

The entire bar went silent. Even more stares were directed at Beavis, this time filled with pity and deep sadness.

"That's pretty rough kid. Let's get you fixed right up," the Barkeep said solemnly, sliding them both some beer.

Beavis looked at it and was like, "Woah, it's really beer! Cool!" He started to chug it heavily, then spit it out and said, "This tastes like crap!"

"Sorry it isn't to your liking. I wish you luck on your noble quest," the Barkeep told him.

Randy reacted very differently. "How can you not like beer?! The fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Sorry Randy, it's my fault." The bartender said. "I ran out of my regular stuff and had to start serving Pabst Blue Ribbon. I'm so sorry."

"Oh my God… I'm so sorry, kid. Nobody should like that stuff," Randy apologized.

"Hey Randy!" Jimbo shouted across the bar, having just arrived after hitting Butt-Head. "I thought you drank Pabst Blue Ribbon?"

"You shut your fucking mouth bro! You wanna go bro?!" Randy said to Jimbo, angry that anyone would suggest he drink such a redneck brand of beer.

While they argued, Beavis noticed something strange was up. "Hey guys, um… I think there's something like, wrong with me? Like, everything is all blurry and my face feels funny."

Dr. Gouache had just walked into the bar, having also arrived after running over a child. His doctor sense was tingling. He made his way over to where Beavis was and looked him over. "Quick! Get me a beer and $500 in medical bills for this boy, quick!"

"Ummm, what?" Beavis said, his words slurring, genuinely even more confused than usual.

"Young man, you are suffering from a severe case of underage drinking!" He said. "We will have to pump your stomach immediately or you could die!"

"What?! No! We're all gonna die!" Beavis said, suddenly panicking. He suddenly barfed all over the doctor, causing the doctor to barf all over Ned, causing Ned to barf all over Jimbo, who also barfed on someone else, until everyone was barfing on each other.

Randy, now completely drunk, looked over at Beavis and said, "Uh, you wanna leave kid?"

"Yeah let's get outta here, this place sucks!" Beavis said, standing up and swerving as he attempted to walk out of the bar, slipping on barf and falling face first into it.

* * *

Butt-Head and Cartman were fighting over the crossing guard stop sign. Both of them wanted it because it would mean more power for the wielder.

"No way buttwipe, it's mine!" Butt-Head said as he spanked Cartman with the stop sign. He was much taller than Cartman and was able to keep it just out of his reach.

Cartman started kicking Butt-Head in the shins in an attempt to get him to drop the sign. "Give it, asshole!"

"Stop it, turd burglar!" Butt-Head said, moving the sign to keep it out of Cartman's reach.

The waving sign signified that both sides should move at the same time. The cars suddenly jolted at full speed, moving towards each other quickly.

* * *

Kenny McCormick was busy walking home. He had just asked out Lizzy and was excited to go on their date to TGI Friday's later that evening. He walked across the street as Butt-Head and Cartman were fighting. Suddenly, Kyle's mom's car sped by, smashing into Kenny. It killed him instantly, decorating the front of her car with colorful bloody chunks and the occasional disembodied organ.

Kyle, sitting in the back seat with Stan and looked out the window and said, "Oh my god! Mom killed Kenny!"

Stan looked squarely at Kyle's mom and commented, "You bastard."

"Uhhh, that was pretty cool," Butt-Head said, staring at the splattered remains of Kenny.

Officer Barbrady was out, investigating the possibility of Chicken Lover's return, and noticed sobs coming from Sheila's vehicle. He strolled up leisurely to the car, oblivious to the carnage going on around him as she rolled her window down.

Sheila began to cry and scream, saying, "I just needed to pick Ike up from his Young Republicans meeting! It isn't my fault!"

She stepped out of the car and walked up to Butt-Head and Cartman, snatching the sign out of their hands.

"You boys should be more careful! Look what you have caused!" she screeched through her tears, ready to start a movement to ban mobile stop signs.

"Give that back you, uhhh," Butt-Head began before leaning down to whisper in Cartman's ear. "What was I supposed to call her again?"

Cartman whispered the answer back to him quietly, and Butt-Head finally finished his statement.

"Give that back you ****in' fat *** ****ed ****," Butt-Head said, the swear words bleeped for MTV viewers' safety.

"What what whaaaaaaaat?!" Kyle's mom stammered, confused by the strange noise that emanated from Butt-Head's mouth. She had no idea what he had said, but still became offended.

"Okay people, move along. Nothing to see here!" Officer Barbrady said, as he shooed away everyone at the scene. Cars began to move again and everyone quickly forgot about Kenny's death, the cars grinding his body into the pavement.

Shelly slipped out of her house to see how that cute boy and Stan's foul-mouthed friend were doing at her task. She peered at them from around a building, once again admiring Butt-Head's impressive physique. She was jealous that the fat turd got to spend so much time with him and hoped that he hadn't stolen her love away. Before she realized it, she had walked out onto the sidewalk to get a closer look. Unfortunately for her, a car led by her savior swerved and bumped into her, knocking her roughly into the pavement.

Butt-Head saw and made his way over to her, thinking about how hardcore it was that she threw herself in front of the car and came over to see if she needed any further help getting beat up.

Shelly spoke first, excited to see him, but in severe pain. She thought she might have something broken. "Hello my beautiful darling. Thanks again for taking my job."

Foreman Darryl Weathers was nearby and exclaimed, "He took der jerb!" Unfortunately, he was across the street and thunder sounded as he spoke it, so they did not notice him. He walked onward, ready to continue his day.

"Uhhhhh, ok. Today ruled!" Butt-Head continued, thinking about how awesome it was to see her get hit by that car. It was getting late though, and clouds were forming in the sky.

Cartman was tired of doing so much work for free and annoyed, said, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" as he walked away. Rain started to lightly pour as Cartman walked away, stealing the crossing guard tools.

Shelly looked up at her shining knight and said, "Oh Butt-Head, could you help me?" She hoped he would help her up and hold her hand for a while.

Butt-Head misunderstood her meaning and said, "Uh, yeah no problem." He then proceeded to kick her in the face, repeatedly. He knew she was cool for getting hit by the car and thought this would make it even more cool.

Shelly cried, but knew that her love of him would survive this too. He was just too amazing to pass up.

* * *

Beavis and Randy stumbled through the streets, completely wasted. It was getting darker as clouds rolled in and Randy decided it would be best to get inside somewhere as the rain began to pour heavily. They ran into a nearby open storage crate to get out of the rain. Drunk, Randy looked over at Beavis and said, "Uh, hey Beavis, you ever jack off with another guy?"

Beavis looked at Randy, surprised. "Uhhh, yeah."

* * *

Shelly hobbled slowly back home, now holding Butt-Head's hand. Butt-Head would have otherwise ignored her and left by himself, but didn't know how to get back to her house. Shelly smiled at Butt-Head, feeling his warm, seductively sticky hand in hers. The rain started to pour as they searched for shelter. Hearing some voices coming from a nearby open storage crate, Shelly pointed out that they could get out of the rain over there. She imagined kissing Butt-Head in the crate, just out of the rain. It would be private and the perfect way to take their relationship to another level.

The storage door opened with a loud creak, and Butt-Head and Shelly made their way inside. They were met with the shocking sight of Randy and Beavis, who had also obviously wanted to get out of the rain too and had taken drastic measures to keep warm. Their hands busy at work, they only paused to glance up when Butt-Head and Shelly entered. Shelly was so shocked, she froze, unsure of what to say for a moment.

Beavis was too drunk to distinguish between the two, especially because they both had braces and the same hair color. "Woah, Butt-Head? There's two of you now. That's pretty cool. How'd you do that?" he asked, not really expecting an answer.

"Uhhh, what are you talking about, Beavis? This is, uhh," Butt-Head stopped because he didn't know Shelly's name yet. "Butt-Girl."

Shelly temporarily forgot about seeing her dad with his wiener in hand as her heart fluttered at getting such a cute nickname from her one true love.

"Oh, okay. Can I score with her?" Beavis asked, thinking that a chick version of Butt-Head would be hot.

Suddenly, reality dawned on Shelly. She remembered that her dad was touching himself right in front of her and that this disgusting stranger wanted to score with her. "Daaad! Eww! No way! Come on Butt-Head, let's just walk home in the rain. I don't want to have anything to do with this TURD."

Butt-Head originally planned on joining Beavis and Randy, but remembered that she had a TV at her house. He hadn't watched any TV in a frustratingly long period of time, so he complied. "Okay, let's go watch some TV."

Randy stopped masturbating and looked up at Butt-Head. "Hey, Lorde has a special musical appearance tonight on Conan O'Brien. I taped the epi- I mean, they taped the episode yesterday. We should go watch it."

Butt-Head would have objected as he doesn't like Lorde, but he really needed to see a music video. Any music video would do right now. "Beavis, put your wiener away, we need to get going."

"Ohhh, okay," Beavis did as he was told and stumbled to his feet. He too was ready to see some music videos.

Everyone followed Shelly to their house through the rain, hoping to see a music video that did not suck.

* * *

Stan and Kyle were stuck watching Yo Gabba Gabba with Ike at Stan's house since Kyle's parents were away on a Jewish holiday getaway.

"This sucks, I wish we had something else to do," Kyle said just as the front door opened. In walked Beavis, Butt-Head, Shelly, and Randy.

Stan and Kyle were both nervous now that Beavis and Butt-Head were back, but were somewhat relaxed when they noticed Cartman did not seem to be with them this time.

"Oh, hey dudes!" Kyle said. Still a little weary of them but ready to give them a try with Cartman gone.

"Hey little dude, do you know where we can find some sluts?" Butt-Head said, abruptly breaking off at the end of his sentence as he noticed Stan's mom enter the room.

Butt-Head felt a special feeling in his body as hearts danced around his head. He was gonna score, he just knew it. He recognized her necklace from the picture that he and Beavis already whacked off to. He stared at Stan's mom, grinning from ear to ear.

Meanwhile Beavis had taken a seat next to Ike and was mesmerized by Yo Gabba Gabba. Foofa was particularly interesting to Beavis but he couldn't quite figure out why.

Ike laughed at Yo Gabba Gabba and stated something in his usually mostly unintelligible voice, but Beavis managed to hear him say something about wanting to tame some strange. Beavis immediately recognized this as a way to express desire to score with a chick, and vocalized his agreement to Ike.

"Oh yeah. She's like, pretty hot and stuff," Beavis said with a grunt, as he grabbed handfuls of popcorn from Kyle's bowl, shoveling it into his mouth uncaringly. "This show is cool, but the music needs like, more metal. Like bwaaaaaahhhhh!" with that, he started headbanging to metal that was not there.

On the other side of the room, Butt-Head decided to finally make his move. He slowly approached Stan's mom, unsure on how to start things.

"Uhh hey, do you wanna make out?" Butt-Head asked with his usual charm and grace.

Randy was standing around drunk, with his pants down to his ankles. He was sort of just watching everyone, not really there. Sharon was eyeing Randy angrily, especially after what Shelly had told her he'd done. She barely noticed Butt-Head until he started talking to her. Normally she would have been absolutely disgusted but she needed to make Randy pay for what he had done.

"Oh my! I love a man who can be so direct!" Sharon said loudly. "My husband would be so angry at you if he found out though!" Sharon looked to Randy, hoping it would break his drunken stupor. It did not.

Butt-Head stood, mouth agape. He wasn't used to positive feedback from chicks of any kind. Unable to respond, all he could do is wait for her to make her move. He didn't really know what to do himself.

Suddenly Shelly appeared from upstairs, overhearing everything from her room. She was working so hard to make herself look nice in front of her man, and her turd mom had to go and ruin everything. "NOO!"

Everyone turned to look at Shelly, even Randy.

"You are such a slut mom! I wish you would all just go away and leave me alone! Everyone here is a turd! Except you Butt-Head." Shelly cried out, running out of the house and into the rain all alone.

Butt-Head chuckled and said, "Uhuhu, she cried."

Sharon sighed, glowering at Randy as she walked out the door and into the rain. Butt-Head would have to wait for her to return before he could try again to score with her.

Randy suddenly became active, realizing what time it was. "Holy shit you guys! Lorde is on in 5 minutes!"

Beavis and Butt-Head made a face of disgust at each other as Randy scrambled to turn the channel.

Ike uttered a sigh and looked to Kyle for what to do. "Come on Ike, let's go with Stan to his room. We can watch stuff on YouTube."

* * *

Cartman strolled in his house, glad to have some alone time for once. He had been stuck with those two assholes for too long. They were cooler than your average people, but deep down he knew the coolest person was none other than himself. "Mem, I'm hoooome!"

Ms. Cartman panicked a moment upstairs from her room. She didn't want her poopsikins to know that she had special guests over in her room. Throwing on a bathrobe, she made her way downstairs. "Hon, Mommy is still very busy with some work. Why don't you run along with your babysitters for a while longer?"

It wasn't a horrible request, but Cartman still preferred to stay home. "But meeeehm, I wanted to have a tea party tonight with Polly Prissypaaants!"

"But Polly Prissypants is dead honey," his mom reminded him.

"Oh yeah…" Cartman said with a sigh. "Well, I guess I should go see what those assholes are up to. Those guys suck ass." He whispered as he put his coat back on, heading out the door.

He made his way out in the rain. Shelly ran past him, covered in more tears than rain. Her mom soon followed. Cartman had no idea what the fuck was going on, but stopped to take in and enjoy their misery. It really lightened his mood.

He burst in Stan's house, noticing everyone sitting on the sofa, watching TV. He hopped up on the sofa, shoving his way between Beavis and Butt-Head so he could be in the middle.

Randy sat in a chair next to the couch as Conan O'Brien cracked a few more jokes and Andy Richter introduced Lorde as the musical guest.

Cartman groaned. "Oh no, I hated this asshole Conan since he sold out Terrance and Phillip." He recalled the event, and how Conan killed himself afterwards. He was about to question how he was still alive when he was shushed by Randy.

"SHUT UP KID! Lorde is on tonight and she kicks ass! God!"

Everyone was quiet as Lorde walked on the stage and began talking about her new hit single. She was interrupted again as that one Old Farmer guy stepped out of the shadows in the back of the room.

"Yep, this is page 69 in the original document. I reckon you should put a joke in about that, because that's the sex number."

Everyone present began snickering, ignoring their confusion about the sudden appearance of this random stranger.

"Yeah," the farmer continued, "something bad was sure to happen if nobody pointed that out. It sure was good that I got here when I did."

With that, he left, just in time for Lorde to begin playing her new hit single, a cover of Stinky Britches.

"Soon after she started to sing, Beavis spit out his popcorn and said, "Wow, this song blows!"

Butt-Head watched the video in utter revulsion. "This chick is ugly. She looks kind of like… a dude dressed as a chick. An old dude."

Beavis wasn't so sure. "I dunno Butt-Head, she's kinda hot."

Cartman and Butt-Head both said "No way, asswipe," in unison.

Randy was downcast at the response to his video. He remained quiet over in his chair, glancing solemnly at the ground. He finally spoke up.

"I for one think she's a beautiful, talented young woman!" Randy shouted. "What do you think of that, huh? HUH?!"

"Uhhh, I think you're a dumbass," Butt-Head replied. "The Marilyn Manson version of this song is way better, anyway."

Beavis couldn't help but agree. "Yeah. Marilyn Manson could beat up this chick, too."

Cartman was getting restless. "Why are we watching this stupid video anyway? I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!"

Beavis agreed, muttering, "Change it."

Randy got all pissed and yelled, "Fine you assholes, I'll go enjoy Lorde by myself in my room! Fuck you guys!" He stormed off to his room, holding back tears.

"Kick ASS! Now we can watch Terrance and Phillip!" Cartman celebrated as he reached for the TV remote.

He changed the channel to Terrance and Phillip and immediately were greeted to Terrance shooting fire out of his ass. Beavis saw this and immediately proclaimed, "YES! YES! FIRRRRE!"

"Holy shit dude!" Cartman exclaimed. "They are having an all night marathon!"

They didn't even last until midnight before falling asleep. Sharon and Shelly had returned to the sight of the three sleeping on the sofa, and quietly went up to bed.

Cartman woke up during the middle of the night, crammed between Beavis and Butt-Head, who were both leaning on him. He angrily shoved them off the sofa so he could have it to himself. They did not wake up, and continued sleeping in uncomfortable looking positions on the floor.

Somewhere around this time, Shelly finally got up out of bed. She kept thinking all night about her man. She made her way downstairs to sneak him a goodnight kiss.

She didn't expect to find the living room completely empty.


	9. The Almighty Bunghole

"Moo moo moo?" The alien queried.

"Mooo!" Moo! Moo! Moooooooo!" The alien replied excitedly.

Beavis rubbed his eyes and looked up after hearing some weird noises. It was really bright so he couldn't see well. He thought, " _I know that sound! It's like… a big dog or something._ "

He looked up and screamed as two aliens were examining his ass. They noticed him awaken and quickly pressed a button, the large probe machine behind him suddenly thrusting quickly right between his tender ass cheeks.

* * *

On the other side of the UFO, two figures stealthily moved through the corridors. They stopped for a moment, noticing many people in the rooms along the hallway. The aliens had a lot of work to finish with so many new people staying the night in the town. Finally, they had some fresh stock.

The stout figure peered into one of the rooms, recognizing its occupants as Butters and Stewart. He listened in on their conversation intently, surprised at what he overheard.

"Well hey, Stewart, well, I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?" Butters asked, straining against the straps that held him to the operating table to face his roommate. His ass was bare and he struggled because it was itchy.

"I've been good, except this town is really weird. Does everyone here have to go through this?" Stewart replied, his voice sounding much more panicked than Butters'.

The mysterious form chose that moment to walk into the room, laughing. "Oh man, you fags know each other? I'll just leave you two lovebirds alone in your room now so you can make out or whatever."

With that, he left them there, continuing his search through the rooms of the UFO.

The taller figure had slipped into a different room, recognizing Van Driessen and Principal McVicker in the same room.

"Ohhhh no! It's YOU! I knew you bastards were behind this!" McVicker said as he saw the taller figure. "Somehow… It had to be you! Uhhh, you're expelled!"

The figure was unphased by the comment, and had walked further into the room.

"Now Principal McVicker, you know there's no way they could be responsible for anything this elaborate. We need to stay positive in order to get out of this situation," Van Driessen replied.

Hearing some commotion, the figure retreated quickly as aliens entered the room. One had a long probe and the other had some kind of paddle.

"No! Get HIM! Uhhhh him!" McVicker said, unable to even gesture in the direction that the figure had gone. The aliens shrugged their shoulders as one began violently probing Van Driessen. The other, dressed in lingerie, began to paddle McVicker's ass, for some unknown reason.

The aliens continued their work as screams echoed from the chambers throughout the craft. The two figures chuckled to themselves as they passed each chamber, searching for something, or someone.

* * *

"Ohhhh nooooooo!" Beavis cried out as the machine worked hard to probe every inch of his anus.

Suddenly the probe pulled out. The aliens hurriedly grabbed some paperwork and rushed out to the hallway, leaving Beavis in the room.

"Uhuhu you cried. You were touched," One of the voices said, still under the cover of shadows.

Beavis replied, "I did not! Bunghole!"

Cartman suddenly appeared, wearing a cow hide scarf and sunglasses. " _Looks like this asshole is stuck in my bogus nightmare too,_ " he thought to himself. He at least could look cool while reliving this. He pulled up his pants a bit and said, "Dude, come with me if you want to live."

The other figure grabbed Beavis by the pants and pulled, unable to move him. In doing so, the figure accidentally activated the probe, which began to again probe Beavis's ass.

Cartman spoke gruffly as Beavis was being probed. He didn't notice. "I've had this nightmare since I was a small boy. I watched as more and more people in the town of South Park, my town, get dragged into my nightmare. It was funny at first, but then it just kept happening."

"Ahhhh!" Beavis screamed, the probe continuing, throwing lights on the figure.

"Butt-Head! It's you! Ahh! Stop it!"

Butt-Head chuckled and began to push buttons that changed the speed and size of the probe. "No way dude, this is cool."

"Excuse me Beavis, I am TRYING to speak! Now where was I…" Cartman continued. "And I don't want to stop this to save the people of South Park, but to save myself. It just won't stop. All the probing… I started to figure out how to get out and move around in the nightmare. That was when I decided I couldn't let anyone else get sucked in too. It has to stop! God dammit! Maybe if I stop people from being brought into my nightmare, the nightmare will end for me too."

"Shut up bunghole!" Beavis shouted.

That was when Cartman noticed Beavis and started losing it. "Okay it's still really fuckin' funny!" He laughed so hard that milk shot out of his nose, despite not drinking any milk.

"God dammit! I thought this stopped after that Jew stole my kidney!" Cartman said angrily.

Butt-Head had stopped mashing random buttons when he saw Cartman shoot the milk out of his nose. He just had to laugh at Cartman, which did little but frustrate him further.

"Stop laughing at me you goddamn hippie! Let's get out of here," Cartman yelled at him. He was familiar enough with the UFO to know what buttons to press to release Beavis, and he successfully pulled it off. Beavis jumped down off the table, pulling up his shorts and rubbing his sore ass.

"Uhhh, thanks kid." Beavis said. "You know they have these things in the girls bathroom, and they open up and you put them in your nose to stop that stuff from happening."

Suddenly the flying saucer began to shake as aliens rushed into the room.

"Mooo! MOOOOOOOOOO!" The aliens screamed, obviously panicking.

Behind the boys, in the viewscreen of space, loomed a massive, floating, disembodied anus.

Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman looked at what the aliens were panicking about, and saw the giant asshole hovering just outside the saucer. Cartman started freaking out and Butt-Head stared in horror, but Beavis was strangely unimpressed.

The anus moved towards the saucer slowly, suddenly opening up and becoming massive. It was more than large enough to swallow the entire saucer. It moved towards them as Cartman looked up in horror and said, "Dude, this is so weak."

* * *

"Terrance, do you smell something funny?" Phillip asked, the two sitting on their couch, watching some Canadian music videos. Justin Bieber was on TV, noteworthy in that he was the only Canadian to successfully disguise his flappy head and beady eyes.

"Why no Phillip. What does it smell like?" Terrance asked.

"Like this!" Phillip said as he farted in Terrance's face, a UFO flying out of Phillip's ass, somehow just missing Terrance.

"Uh, Phillip, how did you get a UFO inside your asshole?" Terrance asked.

"I don't know Terrance, but I'd like to see you try to top that fart!" Phillip said, laughing.

The UFO flew through their house, destroying many other Canadian homes. Unfortunately, just as Ugly Bob was finally receiving the plastic surgery he needed to truly become Handsome Bob, the UFO slammed into the doctor, killing him. The UFO had split in two during the crash, leaving one of the Visitors open to the air. As it died it hit the timed self destruct button and then hit a large red button on its communicator. The word, "Viacom" blinked on its red screen.

Everyone who was in the UFO was scattered across the Canadian village, all unconscious.

* * *

Cartman stretched and woke up. He was surprisingly sore and tired, even though it was almost noon.

Cartman looked around the room, panicking for a moment before relaxing. It took him a moment for him to remember he was at Stan's house. He got up and realized what time it was, confused. He climbed off the couch, avoiding stepping on Beavis and Butt-Head and went into the kitchen to eat as much of Stan's food as he could before everyone woke up.

Beavis woke up startled. He had just experienced the craziest and coolest dream he'd ever had, except for maybe like, that one time he ate those mushrooms in the desert. Last night's dream would have benefitted from a music video too, but at least that strange deity in the sky made it cooler. Sometime that night, he heard it speaking just to him in his head, talking in its booming voice with strange bathroom noises accompanied each word, very much like the Rock Bottom accent featured in the hit Nickelodeon cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.

The voice had said, " _My son, you will see me again once you reach your full state of being._ "

Its accent was certainly thick, but not impossible to understand. What was impossible to understand was the meaning behind the words.

Randy walked into the living room, rubbing his head. "Oh man, that was a rough night." He saw Beavis was also troubled this morning and wondered if everyone had had a bad night. "Hey kid, you awake?" He asked. He didn't question why they were on the floor.

"Yeah, my butt hurts though," Beavis replied, rubbing his ass tenderly.

"Yeah, mine too… You want to go get some coffee with me before I go to work?" Randy asked, just as Butt-Head woke up.

Beavis said, "Uhhh, sure. Sound's pretty good." Inside, he was getting increasingly excited to get a frappuccino.

"RANDY MARSH YOU GET YOUR ASS IN HERE THIS INSTANT!" Sharon bellowed.

"Oh shit, COMING HONEY!" Randy said, hurrying to the kitchen to find food everywhere and trash covering the floor.

"So did you have one of your Food Network nights again Randy?!" Sharon angrily asked.

"Uh, no… At least I don't think so. I do feel pretty hungover this morning though and I was thinking about Gordon Ramsay when I woke up…" Randy said, suddenly hearing a door slam.

Cartman walked out of the bathroom whistling a teen wave song to himself. "Hey you guys, what's up? Why, Mr. Marsh! What have you done to the kitchen?" Cartman said to everyone in the room.

"Uh, look Sharon I don't remember doing any of this but I have to get going to work. I'll clean it up later bye!" Randy hurriedly said, waving everyone to come with him while he ran to the door.

Everyone rushed out and piled into the car just before Randy slammed down on the gas, hurrying quickly to leave.

"Phew, that was a close one guys!" Randy said, chuckling.

Cartman had been so distracted by his plan to frame Randy that he didn't actually know where they were going.

* * *

Everyone arrived at Tweek's Coffee shop, ready to wake up. Randy let them out to get the coffee while he waited in the parking lot. He didn't really want to stand in line when he didn't have to. Beavis was unusually excited for some reason, shaking his arms a bit in the line.

"Uh, dude, what's your problem?" Butt-Head asked Beavis.

"Like, I don't know! I just really really need a frapuccino like right now for some reason!" Beavis replied.

Tweek had stepped out from the back room and noticed the trio. He knew Cartman was trouble, but didn't recognize the two teens with him, causing him to panic further. "OH MY GOD!" he yelled out, shaking uncontrollably.

"Uhh, this kid looks like a total dork." Butt-Head said of Tweek.

"No no, that's just Tweek. He's always like that." Cartman replied, uninterested in Tweek anyway. Cartman didn't want to drink coffee like the others, since coffee was for those emo assholes. He decided to get hot cocoa instead to prove his maturity.

"Uhhh, hey kid, can you get me some napkins, uhhh," a voice called out next to the boys. It didn't take them long to recognize it as belonging to McVicker.

"Y-yes sir!" Tweek said, sprinting to the overweight principal.

Beavis saw the coffee heading towards McVicker and grabbed it out of Tweek's hands.

"Uhhhhh, oh no! Beavis and Butt-Head! We're stuck in this town because of you. Give me back my coffee you little bastard! You give me my coffee right now!" McVicker said angrily.

Tweek was getting increasingly freaked out by the conflict in the store. "AHHHH! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" he screamed as he began pulling at his hair.

Tweek's father stepped out from the back of the store and tried to calm everyone down.

"Now now, calm down everyone. Sit down and try our new blend, its soothing taste will make even the most angry person smile and say, 'wow, I'm happy."

"You son of a bitch, give me back my coffee!" McVicker said to Beavis, ignoring Tweek's dad. He grabbed the cup, spilling the hot contents all over himself.

McVicker screamed in agony, grabbing for Beavis with the intention to kill. Instead accidentally punching Richard Tweak right in the face.

"HOLY SHIT DUDE!" Tweek yelled, nearly passing out.

Beavis and Butt-Head started laughing loudly as the two adults began fist fighting.

"Woah, this rules!" Butt-Head said, excited to see the fight.

"Yeah, kick him! Kick him!" Beavis exclaimed, forgetting about his coffee need for the moment.

McVicker took a hot pot of coffee from behind the counter and poured it on Richard. He screamed in agony as the coffee burnt his skin. The fight continued as they threw kicks and punches at each other. McVicker's glasses were broken in the process, but that barely hindered him. They made their way to the back room as everyone followed.

Just then Kenny walked through the door and wondered what the commotion was all about. He went into the back room behind everyone, barely being noticed. McVicker noticed a large bucket, not realizing it was on the stove because of his broken glasses. He was just in rage mode now.

Richard followed his glance, and shouted out "NO! That is boiling hot water! Don't touch that!"

He was too late. McVicker had tossed the water towards Richard, but missed, drenching Kenny McCormick. Kenny was knocked to the ground.

"Oh no! You bastards!" McVicker cried out, but directing it at Beavis and Butt-Head. He realized he missed his target and likely injured an innocent little boy. "You did this! You broke my glasses!" McVicker started formulating a plan. He would try to convince everyone that Beavis and Butt-Head had done it.

Soon enough, Officer Barbrady arrived after receiving a call about a fight in the coffee shop.

"Alright everyone! What seems to be the trouble?" Barbrady queried.

"That man just killed that young boy!" Richard said, pointing at McVicker, then to Kenny. Kenny then stood up and brushed himself off, annoyed at getting his parka all wet.

"Oh, I guess it wasn't that hot." Richard said, relieved. He was not aware the pot had just been put on the stove recently and was just lukewarm.

Beavis and Butt-Head tried to explain the situation to Barbrady. "Uhhh, there was like, this dude fighting McDicker and then everyone was like, punching each other. Uhhh, it ruled!"

"Wow, that sounds pretty cool!" Barbrady replied. He turned to McVicker and said, "I'm sorry sir but I have to take you in."

"Uhhh what?! You bastards! I'll kill you!" McVicker said, trying to strangle Beavis and Butt-Head. Officer Barbrady slammed his nightstick on McVicker's head, knocking him out cold.

As Officer Barbrady dragged McVicker's unconscious body out the door, Richard laughed and said, "Everyone stay here and enjoy some free fraps on the house!" before getting busy behind the counter.

Randy suddenly walked in, nearly falling over McVicker as he was stuck in the door frame. He was too fat.

"What the hell is going on here?" Randy asked.

They explained the story to him while Beavis chugged down gallons of Frappuccino.

Tweek was only mildly relieved after McVicker was forcibly removed from his family's store, but had found new reason to worry as he watched Beavis drinking an obscene amount of Fraps. Likely without paying for it. "OH MAN, OH JESUS!"

Things only got worse as Beavis went through an immense, startling transformation. He began speaking in tongues and pulled his shirt up over his head.

Finally transformed, Beavis shouted, "I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I need T.P. for my bunghole!"

Butt-Head hadn't seen this side of Beavis in a long time. "Dammit Beavis, you're really doing this again?"

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?! YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF MY BUNGHOOOOLE!" Cornholio screeched to nobody in particular.

Tweek was absolutely mortified. It was like a malevolent deity was in his store, and angry.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL! AHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he ran into the back room.

Randy saw Beavis and laughed a bit. "Oh hey kid, that's pretty funny."

Randy pulled his shirt up over his head like Beavis and held up his hands. "Uh, you will face my wrath!"

Cornholio stopped shaking for a moment and said to Randy, "Ohhh, that's pretty good. Pretty good."

Randy laughed and felt happy to be complimented, so he kept doing it, suddenly realizing he was running late for work.

"Guys, I have to go, but uh… You will feel the wrath of my bunghole! Or uh, something."

Cornholio looked at Randy a bit confused and began screaming, "RACACACACA!" at him.

Randy took that as a goodbye and left for work, leaving the kids to walk home.

"This is fuckin' lame…" Cartman muttered to himself, totally forgetting about picking up hot chocolate.

Kenny walked over after drying himself off. Luckily he always carried a spare coat with him.

"The fuck are you doing here, you poor asshole?" Cartman asked.

"MMFFFFMMFMMMM!" Kenny replied. "Mpphfhhmmm?" he then asked, quickly forgetting his anger after noticing the strangers with Cartman.

"Oh, these are my new best friends. They are way cooler than you and those assholes Stan and Kyle. I hate you guys," Cartman told him. "Except Beavis is being kind of weird right now."

"Uhhhh, What is he even saying?" Butt-Head asked.

"Why can't you understand him? Wait… I know… You can't understand poor people, can you? Kenny, talk to him again."

"MMMFFFMMMMMMM!" Kenny said clearly.

"Uhhhh what?" Butt-Head replied.

"Holy shit dude! You can't say fuck OR understand poor people?! That's so weak dude." Cartman said.

"Shut up butt monkey!" Butt-Head retorted. Beavis was still absentmindedly walking around as Cornholio.

Eventually Cornholio noticed Butt-Head and Cartman talking to Kenny, but was also unable to understand him.

"Are you threatening me?" Cornholio asked Kenny.

Kenny tried to reply that he was not in fact threatening him, and actually thought they seemed pretty cool. He started walking down the sidewalk, towards the west part of town and everyone followed.

* * *

After a long time working out what Kenny was saying, Butt-Head finally began to understand that Kenny wanted to score as much as him. Kenny hit on a lot of hot babes before finally admitting, partly through pissed off translator Cartman, that he had gotten a blowjob in the parking lot of TGI Friday's.

"Woah dude, that rules!" Butt-Head said, mouth gaping and eyes wide in amazement. Just then, he remembered seeing what he believed to be a whorehouse in town on the way to the coffee shop. It was just like the one back in Highland.

Butt-Head wasted no time in bringing it up. "We should all go to that whorehouse I saw down the street and score."

Kenny eagerly agreed, unaware of the whorehouse Butt-Head was referring to, but trusting him all the same.

Cornholio was walking behind everyone and asked Kenny for some TP, angering Cartman. He had had enough of Beavis's shit.

"Why do you keep doing this shit?" Cartman demanded of Cornholio. He sensed that they liked Kenny's company more than his and it was really pissing him off. He felt he should tag along to keep Kenny in line, having no interest in seeing the supposed whorehouse.

Kenny said something very muffled and Cartman agreed, laughing hard. He thought to himself that yeah, Kenny is still reasonably cool. Cornholio and Butt-Head didn't pay attention, ignoring it and continuing. Cornholio was still spouting off things about Lake Titicaca and T.P. before Butt-Head started laughing and stopped at the Unplanned Parenthood.

"Uhh, here it is guys. Let's go get some whores and fornicators!" Butt-Head said. "Yes! Yes!"

Kenny laughed insanely, prepared to tell them what they were about to get themselves into. "MMMFFMM-" But he was unable to finish as a flaming piece of space debris from the UFO came crashing out of the sky, slamming into Kenny. He was nothing more than bits of flesh on the sidewalk. Nobody saw it coming.

Cartman was relieved that Kenny could no longer steal his thunder, stopping to taunt Kenny's smouldering remains.

Seeing Kenny die reminded Butt-Head of a crucial detail. "Uhhh, wait a minute. I think I'm getting, like, deja-vu. I think I saw him die before."

Cartman was holding back laughter after seeing Kenny die and also at Butt-Head's current misguided assumption about this whorehouse. "Who cares dude, you're about to score. Hurry inside and see all the hot chicks!" He absolutely could not wait to see them go inside and fail to score once again. Their agony would be delicious.

Cornholio stepped into the abortion clinic first, declaring to everyone inside, "I HAVE NO BUNGHOLE!"

* * *

Meanwhile far away, a shadowy figure spoke in a deep voice to a young man in sunglasses. "We need to stop them before they do the unthinkable. They are falling out of our grasp and now they've awoken it. Your cybernetic enhancements should prove useful in tracking them down and eliminating them. You were never designed for this purpose, but I have remade you. I can remake anyone. Those boys are next…"

A glowing eye shined from behind the sunglasses as the young man said in a mechanical voice, "Those preschoolers are dead! They crashed my car and ruined everything!"

"Good… complete your mission, Mecha-Todd."


	10. Abortion Proportion

Butters and Stewart were talking in the corner of the room while Stan and Kyle looked at the class of high school students. They had no idea who these people were. Mr. Mackey was preparing a speech with another unrecognizable teacher that looked like a hippie.

"M'kay students. Everyone settle down. M'kay?" Mr. Mackey said, trying to get everyone's attention.

"Everyone, we need all of your cooperation for this to work m'kay?" Mr. Van Driessen added.

"Oh no, there's two of them," Stan whispered quietly to Kyle.

"Stan, we can't have you whispering and sending love notes to Kyle like last time, m'kay. Especially with how important today is, m'kay," Mr. Mackey interrupted.

Continuing, Van Driessen said, "Because some of our students are currently missing and our principal Mr. McVicker is in jail, we've elected to stay here for a few days and try out a big brothers, big sisters program. Now, since our class is smaller than yours, each of my students will be paired with more than one student, m'kay. Not only that, but myself and Coach Buzzcut will be joining as well. Mr. Buzzcut, could you please introduce yourself?"

Buzzcut was silently furious that he had to stay in this podunk, but held in some of his rage as he got up from his seat to address the class. "I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S BEHIND WHO ANY OF YOU ARE! WHETHER YOU ARE FROM MY SCHOOL OR THIS ONE, YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD AT ALL TIMES! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!"

Buzzcut's words shocked everyone as they remained silent. Mr. Garrison was reading a novel at his desk, not paying attention. However, as soon as Buzzcut showed himself as the strong man he was, it made Garrison feel something he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Oh Coach Buzzcut, I wish you would handle me that well," Mr. Garrison whispered. He had to ask him to come over to his place later.

Stan and Kyle were shocked at how different the two teachers were from the other school. No wonder those two they met from the other town were so strange. Van Driessen reminded them both of Mr. Mackey. He seemed a little bit better though.

Stan raised his hand and Van Driessen asked what he wanted.

"Where's our friend Kenny?" Stan queried.

Bebe replied, "Did you hear Kenny's mom is getting an abortion? Maybe he's over at the clinic with her!"

* * *

The women in the waiting room of Unplanned Parenthood stared at the three boys that loudly had made their entrance.

"Woah! Hey Beavis, check it out! They're all whores," Butt-Head said excitedly.

"YOU WILL ALL FACE THE WRATH OF THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE!" Cornholio cried, then noticed the rather large breasts on Bebe's mom and said, "Mmmm, Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!"

Cartman had to try very hard to hold back laughter. "Hold on guys, you gotta check in at the front desk. Tell the receptionist that you're here for the whores."

"Uhhh, okay," Butt-Head agreed, and walked up to the desk. Cornholio followed, albeit slowly.

"Hiiii, did you accidentally get someone pregnant?" the receptionist asked, unaware of their true intentions.

"Uhhh, no. But I want to. We're here for the whores," Butt-Head explained. Cornholio vocalized his agreement from behind him. "But hey baby. Uhhh, are you one of them?"

The receptionist frowned. "Sorry, but we can only help you if you're pregnant, and a woman."

"Oh but he insists, ma'am. They are looking for the whores." Cartman says, backing them up, trying desperately not to laugh. He wasn't doing a very good job, but Beavis and Butt-Head weren't hard to fool.

"You can only come back here if you are with a pregnant woman," the receptionist replied, unconvinced.

Cartman thought for a moment before realizing he had the solution. "Let's go guys, I know someone who could help you."

* * *

Cartman led Cornholio and Butt-Head to the back alley of Unplanned Parenthood and began carrying out his plan. He pulled a couple sharpies out of his coat pocket and began marking on his hand. Soon enough, Mitch Conner was with them in the flesh.

"Hey again Mitch, I got a favor to ask of you," Cartman told his hand in a serious tone.

"What is it this time? I gave up being a conman long ago…" Mitch replied, unsure of what he was going to be asked to do.

Cornholio and Butt-Head couldn't believe what they were seeing. A rugged, badass conman had just materialized before their very eyes. They watched on silently, wondering how he would be able to help them score.

"You need to go undercover as Jennifer Lopez again so we can get these fine men where they need to go," Cartman said to his hand. "It is risky, but only you can help us."

"Yeah, we really need to score," Butt-Head added.

Mitch sighed and stared into the distance. He couldn't ignore these boys' plight. "I thought I was done with this line of work, but I'll do it if it's for the greater good. Let's do it."

"YES!" Butt-Head and Cornholio shouted in unison. It was an honor to have a man who seemed like an action movie star at their service, and they were going to score. It was perhaps the coolest day of their lives.

After gaining Mitch's approval, Cartman stuck the small hairpiece to his hand, effectively transforming Mitch Conner into Jennifer Lopez. It was convincing enough to fool anybody.

Cornholio couldn't believe how spicy Jennifer Lopez looked, letting out a "Boioioioing!" that accurately summarized his thoughts at the moment.

It was enough to shift him back into Beavis, triggering his transformation back. He lowered his arms, his shirt sliding back down into place. The transformation was complete.

Butt-Head had been staring in awe at the hot chick now in front of him. "Uhhh, hey baby," he said, attempting to hit on her.

Cartman scoffed at them, disgusted they would want to score with his hand. Ben Affleck was bad enough. "Okay, guys, let's go."

* * *

This time it was a lot easier to get the receptionist to let them go in the back with all the whores and fornicators. She had completely fallen for Mitch Conner's disguise, and told the boys to sit in the waiting room until the doctor got to them. She was obviously excited to have met Mrs. Lopez. They were seated next to Mrs. McCormick, who was a stranger to Beavis and Butt-Head, but Cartman knew better. Poor people truly sucked, Cartman thought. They always bring more children into the world when they couldn't afford the kids they had.

Unfortunately for everyone there, a Phil Collins song was playing in the waiting room. This did not go unnoticed by Beavis nor Butt-Head.

"Dammit, why can't they play something cool, like GWAR? Phil Collins sucks," Butt-Head lamented.

"Yeah, I could name a thousand better things they could be playing now. Like Metallica, or AC/DC, or even Guns n Roses," Beavis agreed.

"Guns n Roses was cooler back when I still believed in Slash…" Cartman added sadly.

"Uhhh, what the hell are you talking about, buttwipe? Slash is pretty cool," Butt-Head asked, dumbfounded.

"Nobody ever told you? Slash isn't real," Cartman said.

"No way, I saw Slash playing at the mall one time. It was cool," Beavis added.

Cartman sighed. These poor boys were in deep denial. "You ever notice how Slash always seems to be everywhere, sometimes at the same time? It's because he's not real. Slash has always been played by one of our parents."

"Sí, sí, it's true, amigos," Mitch backed him up solemnly, still in character. He didn't want it to be true either, but knew it was so.

Beavis shook his head angrily and said, "No… NO! It can't be true! That's impossible!"

Mitch sighed and said, "Search your feelings amigo. You know it to be true."

"Cheer up, guys, you're about to score with all the sluts here," Cartman said. He would normally be soaking up their despair about Slash, but he was pretty bummed when he found out about it too.

The nurse walked in suddenly and called, "Mrs. Lopez, the doctor will see you now."

Butt-Head rushed into the room and sat in the seat. He looked at the nurse in the room and said "Alright whore, get the ladies lined up. Uhuhu, come to Butt-Head."

The nurse looked angrily at Butt-Head and said, "Excuse me, that seat is for the patient." She then left the room to get the doctor as Beavis entered the room. He ran over to Butt-Head and tried to push Butt-Head out of the seat.

"No way bunghole! Me first! Me first!" Beavis frantically yelled at Butt-Head as he smacked him.

As the boys fought, Mitch and Cartman were both now ready to bail on them. "Okay, I got you boys back here. Mission accomplished," Mitch said.

Suddenly, the doctor entered the room. "Hiii, I'm Dr. Poonlover," he greeted them. "This won't take long at all."

Mitch was starting to panic a little bit, but outwardly kept his cool. "Um, that's okay señor, I don't need an abortion today. I can't go through with it! I want to have it!"

Dr. Poonlover didn't stop preparing for the procedure. "I know you're nervous, it's always scariest the first time. It will be okay. In fact one of my regulars is addicted to them now, but she was afraid the first time too."

Mitch decided to back down, since an abortion was not possible on him anyway. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

"Sí, you are right… I could never share my tacos and burritos with a child anyway and Ben has left me…" Mitch said sadly.

"Alright, let's get started then," Dr. Poonlover said after receiving her permission. He pulled on his gloves with a snap and got the necessary equipment ready.

Cartman had his hand in the chair, positioned for the procedure. He flipped his hand over and opened it a little more.

Beavis and Butt-Head were about to complain about how they weren't scoring yet, but were enticed by seeing Ms. Lopez from this angle. It was one of the coolest things they had ever seen. They failed to piece together what was about to go on. They chuckled and laughed, eyes open wide.

Dr. Poonlover began by injecting Cartman's hand to numb it.

"Owww, what the fuck?" Cartman said, soon losing feeling in his hand.

Next was the dilation. Dr. Poonlover slid a couple metal instruments in Cartman's hand, opening it a little more. Mitch was grateful he couldn't feel anything.

Beavis and Butt-Head stood in awe. "Like um, it's our turn first dude." Butt-Head said, trying to take the instruments away from Dr. Poonlover. He mistook the abortion tools for those things chicks stick up their thing.

Cartman gave Butt-Head a glare and a very firm NO, and it was enough to get him to back off for now and let Dr. Poonlover get on with his work.

"Hey Butt-Head, I want to get a job like this guy. He gets to do this every day!" Beavis said.

"Yeah, we should get a job here." Butt-Head said. "Sometimes you have good ideas Beavis."

Butt-Head tapped Dr. Poonlover on the shoulder. "Uhh, excuse me." Butt-Head said, just as Dr. Poonlover was about to begin the full abortion. "How do we get a job he-" He froze, just as the procedure began. Beavis and Butt-Head stood in disgust.

Cartman was unphased as Dr. Poonlover vacuumed nothing but air out of his curled up hand. It was almost getting boring, except he noticed the horrified reactions from Beavis and Butt-Head both. That made it all totally worth it.

Mitch moaned loudly in pain as the abortion neared completion.

"We are just about done Ms. Lopez. You'll be back on your feet in no time!" Dr. Poonlover assured her.

Soon enough, the procedure was over, but not before Beavis and Butt-Head had both taken turns throwing up in the nearby trash can, which was filled with other fetuses.

"Alright, that wraps things up. I'll see you next time," Dr. Poonlover spoke to Cartman's hand as he stepped into the hallway. "Alright, Mrs. McCormick, you're next please. Come in right away."

Kenny's mom entered the room, suddenly breathing heavily. She sat up in the chair and started to scream as Beavis, Butt-Head, Cartman, and Mitch left the room.

"Doctor, I think… Ahhhh!" She screamed as she gave birth to a baby boy. "Well, I guess I have to live with him now… Here you go baby Kenny." She said, dressing him in an orange parka.

"Excuse me Mrs. McCormick," Dr. Poonlover said. "If you still desire it, I could give you a rare, post birth abortion at no extra cost."

Mrs. McCormick considered his offer before accepting. "Well, okay, I'm tired of having all these gosh darn babies anyway."

After gaining her permission, Dr. Poonlover began the procedure. He pulled a large sledgehammer out from one of the cupboards and slammed it down onto the table, splattering baby Kenny everywhere.

"That's all for today, Mrs. McCormick. I'll see you again next week," Dr. Poonlover said as he finished. He wiped the blood from his hammer and put it away, and then put the largest chunks of Kenny's body in the trash can.

Mrs. McCormick walked out of the room a satisfied customer. She left the clinic, but suddenly yelled out in pain. She realized, horrified that she was still in labor. It was another child! "Well, I guess another Kenny wants to be born…" She said as she shrugged, and walked back into the clinic.

* * *

Mitch was emotionally numb from the harrowing experience he had just been through. He decided it was time to fake his death again and go back into hiding.

"Oh no, that abortion… It sucked out my insides. I'm dying…" Mitch said weakly.

"What the hell, we didn't score yet, dillhole," Butt-Head spoke angrily down to Cartman's hand.

"I'm sorry… for not allowing you boys to score," Mitch said weakly. Cartman turned his hand towards his face. "Please...take this wig off. I want to die as myself."

Cartman complied, peeling the small hairpiece off his hand.

"Thank you…" Mitch said while coughing. I don't have much time left. I wish you boys luck in finding whores and fornicators in the near future. I'm so… sorry… I couldn't… help you score… Goodbye…" Mitch uttered his final words. Cartman opened his hand fully, fluttering his fingers. Mitch Conner was dead once more.

"Woah, that was cool," Butt-Head said. "Let's kick it," he suggested to Beavis, looking at Mitch's body.

"Hu-yah!" Butt-Head yelled as he violently kicked Cartman's hand.

"Woah! That was cool!" Beavis said, joining in.

"Hey you dildos! Stop kicking my fuckin' hand! Mitch is dead!"

"Dammit! I wanna say **** too!" Beavis said even more angrily.

Cartman had an idea to get back at them for pissing him off. It would also allow them to say fuck, which was always a cool thing to do. "Hey you guys… Why don't we take care of that little problem?" He was going to deviously rub his hands together, but his left hand hurt too much for that.

"Really? How?" Beavis inquired, genuinely interested in how he could say ****.

"Gentlemen, follow me please." Cartman said as he led them to the school. He hoped Mr. Garrison wasn't busy, but had a wild card that would almost definitely get him to do it.

They strode up to the school just as everyone was leaving with their big brother or big sister. Buzzcut saw the trio and stopped them right away. "WHERE HAVE YOU MAGGOTS BEEN?!"

Mr. Mackey stepped up next to him and said, "You boys are in a world of hurt m'kay? You can't be skippin class like that! Since everyone else is already picked, I guess you guys will have to go with Mr. Garrison. That'll teach you to skip class."

"Aww, why do I have to watch these fags?!" Garrison said, looking at Beavis and Butt-Head.

Butt-Head was busy sniffing his fingers and Beavis was poking at a dead squirrel with a stick.

"Dude, these guys are super awesome. You gotta believe me," Cartman insisted, his plan slowly being concocted.

"Eric, these boys look like a couple of fudge packers. Trust me, I would know," Garrison said, looking them up and down.

"I assure you, Mr. Garrison, they are fine gentlemen," Cartman went on.

"Mr. Garrison, you don't really have a choice in the matter m'kay? You're gonna have to watch them for the day." Mackey said while walking away with his group.

Garrison sighed and said. "Dammit, come with me kids. I'm going to stop by my house real quick."

They all piled into Garrison's car and went home with him. They walked into his relatively average home when Beavis noticed the picture of a woman laying before a distinguished gentleman hanging on the wall.

"Woah, check it out Butt-Head! That chick is hot!" Beavis said, getting a strange feeling in his pants.

"No way butt-wipe, that chick is ugly! Hey, she kinda looks like your mom, Beavis." Butt-Head said laughing.

"No way bunghole! She doesn't look like my mom! She's a hot… Beautiful chick! And we're gonna score!" Beavis said angrily.

Garrison was genuinely taken aback at their interest in that old picture. He kept it to remind him of the good times he had with Richard Dawkins back when he was a woman. He was really glad to have his penis back now though.

Blushing, Garrison finally addressed their argument. "Well, thank you boys. That woman was me."

Cartman was pleased that the discussion had turned exactly as planned. "Why Mr. Garrison, I'm glad you brought that up. You see, these boys are unable to do something as simple as say the word fuck. Go on Beavis, show him."

Beavis and Butt-Head were too busy staring at the picture, then back at Mr. Garrison in utter shock and disgust.

"Nooo!" Beavis cried out as he couldn't believe it. It was too horrible for him to comprehend.

"BEAVIS!" Cartman yelled. "YOU TRY TO SAY FUCK AND FAIL RIGHT NOW!"

Beavis looked at Cartman and still in shock, said, "****!" as loudly as he could muster. It came out of his mouth as a loud beep.

"Oh my god, that's incredible." Garrison said, looking astonished at what had just happened. "This… needs more urgent attention. Let's get them to Dr. Mephesto's lab right away."

Cartman smirked to himself. His plan to get Beavis and Butt-Head all horribly disfigured was going swimmingly. They would probably come out of this whole thing with four asses or worse.

Everyone piled back into Garrison's car and they drove quickly to Mephesto's lab. Everyone got out of the car in front of the gate.

"Hey uh… this place is kinda creepy. You sure about this?" Beavis said nervously.

"Shut up dillhole, I want to be able to say **** and **** and everything else I can't say." Butt-Head said angrily.

"You two buttknockers shut the hell up!" Garrison said, trying to shut them up. "I haven't seen him in a while. I hope his brother didn't finally kill him." Garrison muttered mostly to himself.

Being called a buttknocker set Beavis off. "I AM NOT A BUTTKNOCKER, AND I WILL GO UP IN THAT SCARY LAB, AND BE ABLE TO SAY ****! Dammit!"

Suddenly a small figure opened the gate, to their utter shock. It was Terrance Mephesto, followed by Bill and Fosse.

"What do YOU people want with my dad?" Terrance asked.

His question was met with silence as Beavis, Butt-Head, Bill, and Fosse were staring at each other, eyes locked.

"Oh my god," Garrison said, seeing the four boys look at each other.

Butt-Head uttered a single laugh, sparking Bill to do the same. Soon all of them were continuously laughing in unison. Garrison was horrified at the sight as they continued to chuckle.

"Stop it… STOP IT!" Cartman yelled to no avail. It seemed like it would never stop. Then a large man and a small figure emerged from behind the gate.

"What the hell is going on here?" Dr. Mephesto asked, looking at the boys, who had now stopped laughing at his appearance. Beavis and Butt-Head couldn't help but stare at the smaller man next to Mephesto, who resembled a smaller version of Mephesto himself.

"These boys here can't say the word fuck or any other stronger swear words. But after what I just saw maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved in this," Garrison said, staring at the four boys, who were still looking at each other strangely.

Beavis perked up and said, "Yeah, I can't say ****."

Bill and Fosse laughed and said, "That's gay."

"Shut up asswipe!" Butt-Head said to the other pair.

Dr. Mephesto was staring, perplexed at the sound he had just heard coming from Beavis's mouth. "So this has been a condition you've always had?"

"Uhhh, I think so," Butt-Head said, flicking away some ear wax that he had just retrieved from his ear.

"Fascinating. Kids, come inside and don't mind the four assed animals right now," Mephesto said, ushering them to his lab.

"Uhhh, what?" Beavis asked. His question was answered as they stepped inside. Before them lay cage after cage of animals that were altered to have four asses. A monkey, an ostrich, a mongoose… all now proudly donned four asses. It was the most beautiful thing Beavis had ever seen.

"Oh my god… Butt-Head… Look! Look! It's a dog… with, like, a lot of asses!" Beavis said, pointing at a large turtle.

"Beavis you fartknocker, that's not a dog. That's a frog or something," Butt-Head corrected him.

"Ohhhh yeah…" Beavis said, continuing to admire each of its seven asses.

"Boys, boys, we have more important things at hand right now." Mephesto said.

He laid the boys down on a table next to each other as Bill and Fosse laughed. "Uhuhu, they're gay."

"Now boys, open your mouths and say 'ahhh' so I can see if you have anything physically impeding your vocal cords." Mephesto said.

After a lengthy examination process that involved numerous painful devices, brain scans, and bizarre rectal insertions, Mephesto finally found the root cause.

"You have a strange device in your brain that affects your communication center." Mephesto said, the MRI machine showing a small chip reading MT V-Chip in small letters. "I'm afraid I'll have to remove it in a very painful process."

Dr. Mephesto went to work, removing the chips from both of the boys' brains. They screamed in agony as Cartman laughed a bit at how small their brains were.

When they were done, Dr. Mephesto stitched their skin back together, managing to save their hair. "There we go boys, it's all done. Now let's get a better look at these gizmos."

Mephesto glanced at Butt-Head's chip, realizing quickly that it was a fairly simple piece of technology. He then looked at Beavis's chip. It looked far more technologically advanced.

"Young man, your chip is different." Mephesto took it under a microscope, then connected it to his computer. The results showed up on the screen, a perfect closeup view of Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.

"Woah, Beavis, check it out. I think it's someone's tonsils or something," Butt-Head remarked.

"Oohhh, yeah, that's pretty cool," Beavis agreed.

"Oops, not again…" Mephesto muttered as he quickly changed it to show Beavis's chip. "Look here, these markings must mean th-"

His words were cut short as a gunshot sounded in the air, striking Mephesto right in the dick.

"DUDE! Not cool!" Cartman said angrily. He was so offended that someone would shoot anyone in the dick that he didn't realize he had been in this situation before. It turned what would have been a mild annoyance had he been shot anywhere else, into an infuriating situation.

As Mephesto fell to the ground clutching his splattered penis, everyone turned to look at the source of the bullet. It was unclear who fired it, as two figures were present just outside the nearby window, and arguing.

Mephesto cried out in pain for a moment and said, "My damn brother again… Don't worry boys, I can grow back my penis using my four assed rat. Or maybe four penises. Now… Go!" He then passed out from blood loss.

Everyone else had already fled, all except for Beavis, Butt-Head, and Cartman. Beavis and Butt-Head were both staring at one of the figures, who was very familiar looking.

"Hey Beavis, that guy is pretty cool. He kind of reminds me of Todd," Butt-Head pointed out.

"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Whoever that guy is, he rules, Butt-Head," Beavis agreed.

Cartman had stood there, in both disbelief in fear. Todd came to kick his ass. He was probably all pissed that Cartman damaged his car all that time ago and came to finish him off.

"What the fuck, you guys! Who cares how cool he is, he's going to kill me! Let's get out of here!" he cried out, ducking behind them. He wanted to run, but he needed his meat shields to protect him.

"Uhhh, oh yeah," Butt-Head finally snapped out of admiring Todd, and decided to run away lest he get shot as well. Beavis followed behind him, and Cartman did his best to keep them between himself and Todd.

Not realizing that Todd hadn't even started chasing them, they ran away easily. Mr. Garrison had just got to his car and waited a little bit longer for them to hop in. He threw open the passenger door and yelled, "Get in boys!" just before driving away quickly.

It had started to rain lightly so Mr. Garrison decided it would be best to drop them off back at Cartman's house before heading home himself. Everyone was still really frazzled from the excitement and Beavis and Butt-Head rubbed their sore heads after having the chips removed.

* * *

Dr. Mephesto's brother was sitting with a rifle next to Todd, completely flabbergasted that his shot had been taken before he had the chance to. He pointed his gun at the man in sunglasses next to him and fired. The shot ricocheted off the man's face easily. The man silently grabbed Mephesto's brother's neck, and squeezed.

* * *

"THIS IS BULLSHIT!" Cartman yelled angrily. He paced restlessly around his bedroom. "How did that asshole even find me?" Cartman stood, looking out at the light rain broodingly.

Cartman's mom came upstairs and said, "Oh, poopsikins! I didn't know you were home already. Your little friends can stay here for the night I guess. I'm heading out to get some toilet paper, do you boys need anything?"

The phrase "toilet paper" made Beavis feel something deep inside. Like he was meant to have some. "Hey lady, uh… Get a lot of toilet paper. Like a LOT."

"Oh my, do you have poopie problems? Alright, I'll pick up a lot," Mrs. Cartman said.

Butt-Head blew raspberries to make fun of Beavis, but Beavis was too out of it to notice. All that TP...his. He felt at peace. He couldn't wait to get it all.

"Hey Butt-Head!" Cartman said, suddenly remembering something important. "Now that the chip thing is out of your head, say something cool."

"Uhhh, okay," Butt-Head said, trying to think of the coolest thing he could think of to say.

"Boobs," Butt-Head said after a moment of consideration.

Cartman was already frustrated with him. "No, you fucking dumbass! You can say fuck now! Come on!"

"Uhhh, oh yeah," Butt-Head continued.

Before Butt-Head could say it, Beavis yelled out, "FUCK!"


	11. Something About Portals

High above the town of South Park, thunder sounded. This was not the coming of a storm, but the coming of something more important. Meticulously crafted stone statues cracked, revealing that they were alive.

"Knights! Take up yer arms! We prepare fer war." One of them said. Looking out at the horizon, he sensed that something was seriously amiss. The Bringer of the Almighty had used a word of curse, and soon his companion was likely to as well.

Every last Knight knew that an immense battle lie ahead as they readied their horses and gathered their weapons in preparation.

* * *

"No, throw it over there!" Cartman huffed, pointing at Kyle's garage. He was sitting back and telling his babysitters how to TP a house, to little avail. Beavis had just thrown the toilet paper in a large pile and was practically cuddling it all.

Butt-Head was doing a little better and managed to at least throw a roll of toilet paper, but he ended up throwing the entire roll without unraveling it, leaving a full roll on Kyle's roof. The house and front yard was already becoming significantly covered.

Butt-Head repeated the process a few times, thankfully a couple rolls rolled down the roof, TPing that section of the house.

"Hey butt wipe, get over here and do your duty!" Butt-Head said, laughing.

"You said doody." Beavis said laughing, getting up to help. He suddenly forgot what he was supposed to do and walked up to the front door.

"Hey Butt-Head, check this out!" Beavis said loudly as he rang the doorbell. Cartman and Butt-Head stared at Beavis and dropped their rolls.

"What the FUCK dude?!" Cartman said in horror. "We're busted for sure now!"

Butt-Head and Cartman hurried into the bushes but Beavis stood at the door, once again forgetting what he was doing. Gerald Broflovski opened the front door and gasped.

"Who did this?!" Gerald asked angrily.

Beavis said, "Oh yeah!" And ran quickly into the bushes with Cartman and Butt-Head.

As Beavis reached the bushes, Cartman used it as an opportunity to evade getting in trouble.

"Ah, thank you for getting Mr. Broflovski for me, Beavis!" Cartman said as he left the bushes, brushing himself off and trying to seem as innocent as possible. "Mr. Broflovski, it seems some black people have TP'd your house. I managed to chase them away, but they still left a lot of toilet paper here…"

"Well… Thank you boys for being so kind and letting me know. Would you like to come in? I just got one of those fancy coffee makers and I made too many cappuccinos. I… got a little carried away." Gerald said a bit nervously.

"Gerald, what on EARTH are we going to do with all these cappuccinos?! I knew it! I knew buying that thing was a bad idea!" Sheila Broflovski screeched, coming to the door.

"What what what?!" she said, shocked at the toilet paper all over the front lawn and house.

Kyle went to the door and angrily pushed Cartman as hard as he could. "What the FUCK did you do to my yard fatass?!"

"Why Kyle! Whatever do you mean? A group of angry black people did this to your house, and as you can see, I am not black or angry," Cartman replied calmly.

"Uhhh, yeah dude. We were just like, telling your dad how much it sucked someone did this to your house." Butt-Head said, chuckling.

Cartman smiled at Butt-Head, he was surprised at how quickly he caught on and was a little bit proud.

While they had their precious moment together, Beavis had wandered into the kitchen and drank all of the cappuccinos. Most of it got on his shirt or the floor, but it was still enough to once again trigger his transformation into Cornholio.

Power rippled through Beavis's entire form as he made the swift change into his alter ego. His shirt was soon over his head and he put his arms up. "I AM CORNHOLIO!" he shouted, causing everyone to stare at him.

"Dammit Beavis, not right now!" Cartman said through his teeth.

"Well, at least that solves the cappuccino problem…" Gerald finally said.

"Dude, what's his problem?" Kyle said, looking worriedly at Beavis.

"He did this the other day too." Cartman said. "I don't know what his problem is. It's been pretty weird with these guys since I started hanging out with them. Like, earlier today we went up to Dr. Mephesto's and he took these weird chips out of their head that kept them from swearing."

"Dude, you had the same thing in your head, remember?" Kyle said.

"No fuckin way Kyle! That was totally different! This just bleeped out the word or whatever."

Cornholio walked out of the house and looked at the fine work done to the TP'd house. "Mmm, pretty good. Pretty good." He said, nodding. He strolled over to the large pile of toilet paper still in the middle of the floor. "Ah, the TP… My TP!" He said eagerly. "More! More!"

Kyle looked outside to see Beavis excited about the toilet paper and decided enough was enough. "Look, I just… can't do this anymore. I'm leaving. I'm going over to Stan's house and you guys, do NOT follow me."

Everyone stared blankly at Kyle as he walked out of the house, down the street, and out of view, much to Cartman's disappointment. "Ugh, whatever Kyle! I'm going to hang out with my new friends and it will be so much cooler than being with you assholes!"

Kyle's parents quickly shooed Cartman and Butt-Head out the door, giving worried glances at Beavis.

"Gerald, that boy out there… He's worshipping toilet paper!" Sheila said to her husband.

"I know honey, I know. There's nothing we can do for the poor boy." Gerald said sadly as he turned on the TV.

* * *

Cartman walked down the sidewalk aimlessly alongside Cornholio and Butt-Head. Cornholio was carrying a giant wad of toilet paper from Kyle's lawn.

"I can't believe Kyle is such a little bitch. TPing his house was fuckin' sweet," Cartman said, breaking the silence.

Cornholio voiced his agreement from behind the stack of toilet paper. "Yeah. He sucks. He sucks!"

"Come on now Beavis, you can use more colorful language than that now. You should use it," Cartman reminded him.

"Uhh, ohhh yeah…" Cornholio said with a grin. "Holioooo, bungholiooooo, uhh… fuckholio!"

A bright light suddenly fell quickly from the sky and a large shape began to materialize. Cornholio began to shake his head and mumble incoherently as the form became whole. A butthole appeared suddenly out of the shape.

Cartman stood in awe at the being before them. "What are you?"

" _I am the Almighty Bunghole,_ " It replied as a strange image began to materialize through the center hole of the being. " _Behold, a gateway to your own asshole, if you wish._ "

An dark image appeared and Cartman looked at the portal, then behind him. He was shocked to find that it spoke the truth. It showed exactly what was behind him at the same level as his asshole.

"No wayyyyy…" Cartman said in awe as the portal then began to cycle. It cycled between the assholes of all beings on Earth and beyond. It was truly spectacular.

Butt-Head walked up to the large hole (uhuhu) and peered into it as closely as he could get. He slowly poked his head through it, then sped up a bit until his entire head was through.

"AHHH! What the FUCK dude?!" Cartman screamed, as Butt-Head's head was sticking out of Cartman's butt.

"Woah, cool, now you really are a butt head," Cornholio wisely pointed out.

"GET OUT OF MY ASS YOU DICKHOLE!" Cartman screamed.

Cornholio moved over to Butt-Head and pulled him out, saying, "Let me try."

Cornholio put a finger through the portal and it emerged from Cartman's ass. "Hey check it out Butt-Head! Poop!" He said, as his finger poked out.

Cartman lunged forward, grabbing Cornholio's arm and jerking his hand back to free his asshole.

As soon as Cornholio's finger left, the portal began phasing through all bungholes once more.

"Let me try now," Cartman said, shoving everyone out of the way, forgetting his anger.

Cartman pushed his head through the portal and was shocked to see a dungeon. Chains and devices that he could only imagine were for torture littered the room. Before he could react, a fleshy, throbbing schlong began moving towards his face. It poked Cartman in the eye and he cried out in pain, pulling his head back in shock.

He heard someone yell, "Oh, Jesus Christ!" as he pulled his head back through. He thought he recognized the voice, but was too angry to think much more about it.

Cartman was kinda pissed that he didn't get a fun experience like the other two, but all hope was not lost. "Hey, Beavis, can you control this thing? You should make it lead to Kyle!"

"Ummm, okay," Cornholio replied. He wasn't sure how to control it. "Bunghole….lead to Kyle, please. Thank you, drive through."

Soon enough, the bunghole ceased shifting its portals and stayed on a scene of kids playing at the town basketball court.

Cartman eagerly put his head through the portal, immediately noticing that he had succeeded. "Well helloooo there, Stan." Cartman said, making strong eye contact with Stan.

* * *

Sponsored Content

"Save 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico!"

(M&M's Christmas commercial)

"Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center! Don't suffer in silence!" Do you want to be like Kyle Broflovski? He lives every day with hemorrhoids and only has 24 hours to live, but he could have survived if he'd just contacted us. Don't let yourself suffer in silence! Call us now at (314) 991-9888 today. "Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center! Don't suffer in silence!"

"Up next, on Beavis and Butt-Head Do South Park! What will Kyle do when he finds Cartman climbing out of his asshole? What will Cornholio do to control the rage of the Almighty Bunghole? And when will this story reach 100 pages in the original document?! Right now in fact!"

* * *

"Finally! I have the power! I can control Kyle's asshole! YES! YES!" Cartman cried out. He was so happy that he actually began to weep tears of joy. "I'm soooooo haaaappppy…"

"Dude, that is fucked up!" Stan said, looking at Cartman's head in Kyle's keister. "Your hemorrhoid looks and sounds just like Cartman!"

"CARTMAN, GET OUT OF MY ASS!" Kyle screamed. He couldn't believe his luck. He just wanted to hang out with the others and Cartman still found a way to terrorize them.

"Oh, well hey there Eric!" Butters greeted, not seeming to notice anything out of place.

"AHHHHHHHHH, OH JESUS, OH MAN, WHAT IF SOMEONE COMES OUT OF MY ASS TOO, IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE..." Tweek screamed, seeming more distressed than Kyle.

"This is so awesome you guys. I control Kyle now!" Cartman exclaimed just before getting a brilliant idea. "Wait you guys, check this out…"

Cartman turned around and pulled down his pants, putting his whole bare ass through the portal. Cartman's ass was now coming out of Kyle's ass, the whole scene becoming rather picturesque, almost poetic.

"This is like that movie Inception. Full of ass," Stan muttered quietly as he stared at the sight.

Kyle was at a complete loss of what to do. He couldn't shove Cartman back through the portal without touching his plump butt cheeks. He decided to enlist Butters's help. "Butters, make him leave!"

"Yessir!" Butters said, immediately rushing up to Cartman and Kyle's combined butt. He pushed against Cartman's booty with his bare hands, hard enough to knock Cartman back through the portal. He landed roughly on his face on the pavement, surprised that had happened.

Cartman couldn't stop laughing at the situation they were in. This was one of the best days of his life. It was worth having Butters touch his rump to be able to do that to Kyle.

Cornholio and Butt-Head were snickering during the whole incident and decided to peek through as well. They both crammed their heads through at the same time, causing Kyle even more obvious rectal discomfort.

"Uhh, hey how's it goin'," Cornholio managed to say, looking at the group of boys staring at Kyle's ass.

"THEY KEEP COMING! OH MAN, I HOPE I'M NOT NEXT! AGGGGHHHH!" Tweek screamed, before running off down the street.

"GET OUT OF MY ASS YOU… ASSHOLES!" Kyle said angrily.

Stan took the basketball and said, "I have an idea." He lobbed the ball as hard as he could at Kyle's ass.

The basketball bounced off Cornholio's head and staggered him for a moment.

"Fine, you dillholes!" Butt-Head shouted.

Cornholio and Butt-Head struggled a bit to climb backwards, out of Kyle's ass, further causing rectal damage to the boy. Stan threw the ball again as they were climbing out, knocking Cornholio to the ground. Beavis stood up in his place, transformed. As soon as they climbed back out of the Almighty Bunghole, the portal shifted again rapidly.

"What to do… What to do…" Cartman said, thinking up different scenarios he could create with this opportunity.

"Beavis… Check it out. A chick's butt!" Butt-Head said in awe, as they saw a woman's ass through the portal. They could tell because it was facing a mirror in what looked like a changing room.

Beavis was already on the task. He reached out as fast as he could, putting his hand through to freeze the portal to their destination. Instead of stopping there though, Beavis found that it had stopped at a familiar room with tools. "Hey, this isn't so bad either," Beavis said, as he unzipped his pants and climbed through the portal. Beavis went through completely just as Cartman managed to reach an arm in to stop the portal before it closed.

"YOU DUMBASS, how do you think you are going to get back?!" Cartman yelled. Cartman squeezed his head through and said, "Get back here Beavis!"

Suddenly Cartman heard a muffled "What in the world?" As a hand reached down and grabbed him, pulling him entirely through the portal.

Cartman found himself face to face with Mr. Anderson, in what appeared to be a tool shed.

"What in the hell just happened? You two boys… came out of my bumhole? I mean I'm surprised I've got anything coming out down there on account'a my constipation and narrow urethra."

"Beavis, what the FUCK?!" Cartman yelled, realizing that not only were they trapped wherever they were, but that Beavis was also masturbating. "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" he continued, turning back to Mr. Anderson's ass.

"Pardon me kind sir, I need to use this again…" he muttered to himself, trying to dive back through Mr. Anderson's ass.

Mr. Anderson did not take kindly to his behind being felt up by a little boy. "Just what in the hell do you think yer doin'?" he asked Cartman before turning towards Beavis. "I don't know where yer friend is, but it sure is nasty that you brought a child to whack off in muh tool shed this time. You have 10 seconds to get the hell out!"

"Kind sir, um, would you mind telling me which direction I should go in to get back to South Park, Colorado?" Cartman said as sweetly as he could.

"Boy, you are in Texas! Now I don't know how people act from where you come from but here, us REAL Americans don't go hidin' in people's rumpuses and whackin' off in their tool sheds!" Mr. Anderson explained. He bent over and picked both of them up by their shirt collars and threw them out the front door.

Cartman was still bummed the portal had shifted already. Butt-Head was left stranded on the other side, likely alone and afraid.

* * *

"AHHH! I'm gonna get you, you little fuzz-nut!" Mecha-Todd screeched as he dove out from behind a nearby tree, grabbing Butt-Head and throwing him to the ground. He began to pummel the boy unconscious and then grabbed a cell phone out of his pocket. He punched in a few buttons and waited.

A voice on the other line answered and said, "Is it done?"

Mecha-Todd answered, "I got the hole and the pre-schooler, but two of the others got away."

The voice responded, "No matter. We have the child and the hole. It's time to begin the next phase of my plan."

Pressing a button, the man on the phone began laughing maniacally as people everywhere began twitching uncontrollably, then stood silently. Men in armor stood in watch silently as the evil plan unfolded. Only one place on Earth seemed immune: South Park, Colorado.


	12. No Cussing Club

Kyle lay in his hospital bed, staring at the unfamiliar floor in front of his bed. He examined the white floor tiles that lay below. They were so different from his grey carpet at home. He moved slightly to take in his surroundings, but that only agitated his hemorrhoid. " _That must be why I'm here,_ " he thought to himself. " _Stupid Cartman flaring up my hemorrhoids again._ "

The sound of cultured music reached his ears from outside, so he carefully made his way to the window. Glancing out, he saw a Peruvian flute band playing down the street. It reminded him and everyone else of their importance, but they had been spiking up again lately in South Park. He adjusted his gaze higher, and froze in shock. A looming void was beginning to form in the sky.

* * *

Beavis led Cartman to his house, the only place of safety he knew.

"This sucks! Let's go watch TV," Beavis said to Cartman.

Both failed to notice a passer-by flinch at the mention of the word "sucks," and began following them.

"Fuck your poor-ass house! We need to get back home!" Cartman said, then added quietly, "I must have the power of the Almighty Bunghole returned to me."

Another passerby had heard the word "fuck" and paused, screeching. Others nearby heard the screech and began to follow silently, staggering towards the two boys.

"Hey Beavis, do people always follow you around like this?" Cartman asked, glancing behind him.

"Sometimes, like that one time I got my butt stuck in the copy machine. Lots of people kept like, standing around me staring. It was cool!" Beavis said absentmindedly.

More people continued to join the group behind them as Cartman became more nervous. Suddenly Cartman turned around and looked at the group angrily.

"What the FUCK are you assholes doing?!" Cartman screamed at the crowding group.

This was enough for the shambling group to make their intentions clear. All of them began screeching and roaring loudly. Cartman froze, then started running. Beavis noticed Cartman running and followed quickly behind, oblivious to the horde following them. As they huffed down the street, they closed in on Beavis's house. They swung the door open and Cartman slammed it behind him, locking it quickly.

Huffing heavily, Cartman looked at Beavis and said, "Nails, do you have any nails? Or boards?!"

"No, but I have some wood… like, in my pants." Beavis said giggling. He didn't realize the severity of their situation.

"Alright, alright, let's chill out." Cartman said, locking the doors and windows as fast as his pudgy body would allow him. He didn't like how the townspeople were acting like the Nazi zombies did that one time in South Park. That was a lot of level grinding, and he beat enough guys already.

Turning on the TV, Beavis quickly tried to grab the remote, but Cartman was closer to it. He never got to hold the remote. Cartman flipped it over to the news to see what was going on, hoping it would shed light on the situation. He forgot that quickly though, when he noticed Family Guy was on.

"God DAMMIT! This shit again?!" Cartman said angrily. "I thought this show was off the air!"

"Change it." Beavis said.

Turning the station, a music video was on and Beavis was adamant that Cartman stop there. Cartman decided to leave it here as bangs on the doors and windows grew louder and more threatening.

Michael Jackson was dancing in a group on-screen, dancing as he sang, "'-ause this is Thriller! Thriller night! And no one's gonna save you from-"

Suddenly the music video was interrupted by a news bulletin.

A distressed news reporter stood in the middle of Times Square. "I am Tom Brokaw for NBC and I have a special, uncensored news broadcast. Due to the nature of this broadcast, viewer discretion is advised."

"Woah! Uncensored! Yes! Yes!" Beavis said excitedly. Maybe he wouldn't have to change the channel after all. "This is gonna kick ass!"

Tom continued. "I am announcing that the President has declared a state of national emergency. As the mobs continue to grow steadily around our country, the death toll is now in the hundreds of thousands. This has become an epidemic throughout our great nation. If there are any young children in the room, please ask them to leave at this time. These mobs become enraged at the mentioning of the words 'shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, meecrob, or ass fucking scrotum lic-"

Tom was abruptly cut off as he was swarmed by what seemed to be everyone on the street. All were chanting "swearing….sweaaarrriiinggg" in unison as the group overtook Tom Brokaw, ripping his throat out before tearing his limbs off.

"Woah! That ruled! Hey Butt-Head, check it out!" Beavis said, forgetting that Butt-Head wasn't there.

"No way you dumbass!" Cartman screeched. "Not only is a mob trying to KILL me, but what's worse is, if we don't fix this we won't ever be able to say FUCK again!"

Another reporter appeared on screen and said, "We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."

"-ear the door slam, and realize there's nowhere left to run…" Michael continued, the song still going.

"You know, I met him one time." Cartman said absentmindedly, then added, "Beavis, I really have to find a way out of here. Those guys outside aren't going to stop until I am fuckin' dead! Beavis, YOU need to figure out a way out of this. YOU need to save me! Do we have another way out of the house?!"

"Uh, no way bunghole, I'm watching this sweet music video!" Beavis said angrily. "I wonder if like, the zombies are going to eat more people like they did to that Tom guy?!" Beavis added, not realizing that the news broadcast was real.

"Dude! There are REAL zombies outside right now?! Look at the zombies in that video," Cartman said, pointing at the dancing zombies on the screen.

"Yeah, they're pretty cool. They are making a good video," Beavis responded.

"People like them are outside this house right now, wanting to kill us! They don't care about stopping to do a sweet music video, you fucking dipshit!" Cartman yelled back.

"Ohh… No…" Beavis said, the slow gears of his mind finally turning through the cobwebs.

Suddenly a chainsaw blade burst through the TV from behind it, ripping a large hole through the wall. A withered, discolored face poked its way through the hole. Cutting his way through the wall, zombies began pouring in as Beavis and Cartman ran to the back of the house. The man standing in the room was the local farmer.

Laughing, the man said, "You boys are in a heap of trouble now, ohhh oh yeah!"

* * *

Butt-Head had awoken in a perfect replica of his living room. He didn't notice that anything was amiss. He began eating the nachos that were left on the coffee table and flicking through channels, settling on a music video. It was Michael Jackson's Thriller.

"Hey Beavis, this Michael Jackson guy kinda sucks, but this video is cool," Butt-Head commented to the empty air next to him. It took a few moments for him to realize Beavis wasn't there.

Before he had a chance to react, the TV flicked off and a shadowy figure entered the room. He was surrounded by bodyguards covered in armor and stood with his hands crossed behind his back. Smirking at the boy, he introduced himself in a soft, lispy voice.

"Hello chosen one. I am Philippe Dauman, the president, CEO, and chairman of Viacom," the man said as he stepped into the light. He was revealed to be a victim of male pattern baldness as his only hair was around the back of his head.

"I have a surprise for you my friend," Dauman said, as the Almighty Bunghole was led in chains to the couch. "You and your friend here are going to get me everything I've ever wanted and more."

" _This is not the chosen one,_ " The Almighty Bunghole interjected, then fell silent.

A hint of rage swept across Dauman's face, but was hidden as soon as it started. "It seems like my silly little robot got the wrong guy. But that's a-okay. You can be a good little bait until your blond friend gets here."

Leaving the Almighty Bunghole in the room with Butt-Head, the menagerie of villains exited quickly. Unfortunately for Butt-Head, the chains around the Bunghole were tied in such a way that it was impossible for him to fit through.

Sitting down next to Butt-Head, the Almighty Bunghole joined Butt-Head in watching music videos as the TV flicked back on.

* * *

"YOU IDIOT!" Dauman roared at Mecha-Todd. Grabbing Todd by the arm, he ripped it out of its socket and slapped him across the face with it. Luckily for Todd it was a mechanical arm.

Dauman took a deep breath and looked at Mecha-Todd with a smile. "You see, this really upsets my plans. And unfortunately, I'm going to have to task you personally with retrieval of Beavis once again, only this time, my army of MTV-chip zombies are running loose and could KILL him." Dauman rested his hand under Mecha-Todd's chin and looked at him sadly. "You are my greatest creation, the combination of all MTV-chip technology. I salvaged you from a dead show to do my bidding. Now, PROVE YOURSELF!"

Todd sighed and reattached his mechanical arm. "Yes, sir…"

* * *

The zombified residents of Highland lurched towards Cartman and Beavis as they moved as far away from them as they could. Taking refuge in the bathroom, the pair locked the door, fighting over who got to sit on the toilet.

Beavis lost and sat down in the corner of the bathroom, next to his sink, a sullen, broken man. "This sucks… THIS SUCKS!"

Cartman looked at the boy in dismay and said, "At least we got to the bathroom. Toilet time is the last bastion of American freedom, you know."

"No, you don't understand! MY TV IS DEAD! OH NO…. NO!"

Cartman rolled his eyes, then noticed one of the drawers in the bathroom was slightly propped open by a jar. "Hey Beavis, what's that?"

"Ohhh yeah… That's my poop collection. Wanna see?" Beavis said excitedly. "I keep some of it in here for later."

Cartman was disgusted, but thinking of ways the turd collection could benefit him. Maybe he could throw it all at Kyle's house. Suddenly they heard a tapping on the glass of one of the jars.

Beavis reached down and grabbed the jar, handing it to Cartman. "Yeah, this one talks! It was a really special poop."

Looking down at the jar, Cartman realized that Mr. Hankey was inside. Cracking the jar open, the living fecal matter hopped out with a smile.

"Hoooowdy ho!" He said with a wave.

"Oh goddamn it, not you too," Cartman muttered, disappointed that he was stuck in a room with Mr. Hankey too now. He thought about opening the door to let zombies in when he noticed Beavis still had his flamethrower with him.

"WHY HAVEN'T YOU USED THAT YOU DUMBASS?!" he yelled. Before Beavis could respond, a chainsaw finally cut through the door. Blood and gore flew through the door with it as the chainsaw tore through other zombies to reach the door.

"Ohoho, you boys are gonna get it now! Hold still… It'll make things less painful." The farmer said as he continued to tear through the door.

"Oh no! Boys, we need to escape. Down the toilet everyone!" Mr. Hankey said as he jumped in. The farmer finally made it into the room and chopped at Cartman, missing and slicing the toilet near the floor, creating a large hole, that still seemed a bit too small for them to fit down.

"You boys hold my hand and I'll use my magic to whisk us to the magical wonderland of the sewers!" Mr. Hankey said, reaching for Cartman.

"Why do I have to keep getting bailed out by a piece of shit?! I don't even like any of you people! FUCK TEXAS!"

They grabbed Mr. Hankey's hands quickly as Beavis stared at the magical poop in wonder.

"Hooooowdy hoooo!" Mr. Hankey said, as his magical powers sucked them down the drain.

As they were moving down the drain, they noticed a rumbling sound behind them and realized that the chainsaw had been dropped down the drain. It was falling towards them with increasing speed, biting at the metallic pipes.

Beavis grabbed his flamethrower and pointed it at the chainsaw, saying, "This is gonna be cool!"

He fired, flames pouring out at the chainsaw, igniting it and causing an explosion. The methane fumes in the pipe only furthered the flames as they rocketed quickly to the sewer at breakneck speed. Reaching their destination, they came out of a pipe near Mr. Hankey's Texas ranch house.

"Welcome to my home away from home everyone!" Mr. Hankey proudly said. Tiny horses made out of shit galloped around the gated yard of his home away from home.

"This is so sick," Cartman said, genuinely disgusted.

Beavis on the other hand, marvelled at the tiny wonders, proclaiming, "Yeah this is sick, it totally rules!"

"NO BEAVIS, THIS SUCKS!" Cartman yelled at Beavis. He was so fucking done. Taking a couple moments to calm himself, he turned back to Mr. Hankey, noticing a figure exit the door to the house. It was Mrs. Hankey. Beavis was awestruck. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"Where the FUCK have you been and did you get my pills you bastard?!" She said, slurring her words.

"Um, no honey, I was locked in a jar by this young man by mistake." Mr. Hankey said, pointing at Beavis.

"Well what do we have here?" Mrs. Hankey said, gazing up and down at Beavis. "Ain't you hot shit?" Beavis stared into her eyes and she his. He giggled a bit and smiled. He felt pressure in his pants and began giggling even more. She even seemed genuinely interested in him, but Cartman broke the moment, ready to leave the sewer.

"Excuse me, Mr. Hankey, how do we get out of here?"

Mr. Hankey considered the possible routes out of the sewer. Pointing deeper into the spacious sewer pipe, he began giving them directions. "It's not too far that way, boys. Good luck, and tell my kids to come home if you see them out there."

"Yeah, tell them their bastard of a father is back home and they can stop looking for him!" Mrs. Hankey said drunkenly, before wobbling back into the house.

Walking quickly down the pipe, Cartman breathed a sigh of relief. "Finally, we are away from that piece of shit!"

Beavis gave Cartman an angry look and said, "Shut up, bunghole! He was cool!" Pulling a tiny poop horse out of his pocket, Beavis snickered a bit. He returned it, making sure Cartman didn't see. They moved out into a more spacious part of the sewer, then noticed some stairs that led to a door. They quickly followed it and found themselves in the boiler room of the school.

"Oh no… I don't want to go to school!" Beavis said angrily.

"Shut up Beavis! The school is burned down, they wouldn't have school anyway remember?" Cartman said, shutting Beavis down.

"Ohhhh yeah, there was a fffffire…" Beavis said excitedly. They exited the boiler room, walking into the hallway. One end of the school was charred black, but the strange thing was, students were actually roaming the halls! Couples were making out in the middle of hallways, nerds were being shoved into lockers and having their lunch money stolen, a lone Visitor silently watching the humans mill about, and clowns unicycling through the hallways. Standard high school affair.

Principal McVicker froze as he saw Cartman and Beavis, giving them a strange stare.

"You bastards better get to class before I have you expelled!" He shouted at them across the hallway.

"Ohhh noo…." Beavis said, angry and worried that McVicker was back and that he had to go to school. "This is your fault bunghole!" Beavis shouted as he kicked Cartman in the ass.

"You… MOTHER FUCKER!" Cartman screamed, attacking Beavis, jumping up into his face and slapping him as hard as he could again and again. Unfortunately for Cartman, the blows did little to bother Beavis other than cause him minor annoyance.

"Hey! Cut it out bunghole!" Beavis said, punching Cartman off his face.

Everyone had stopped to stare at the boys and Cartman did not fail to notice this. Beavis did, however and only stopped fighting to pick his nose.

Everyone suddenly began to moan and started staggering towards the boys.

"Wait a minute… He started it! Oh no, not again!" Cartman said.

"Hey, it's Stewart!" Beavis said, pointing at the boy in the crowd, now a drooling zombie. "Stewart! You were supposed to get us porn in the library!"

"Beavis… Sorry... Gotta… kill you…" Stewart said, a single solitary tear running down his cheek. He was conscious of what he was doing but couldn't stop it. Principal McVicker stared down at the boy, barreling up quickly to him and took him by the throat, squeezing tightly. He grinned menacingly as the boy began to choke.

Cartman swiftly kicked McVicker square in the nads, forcing him to release his grip on Beavis. As the man fell over clutching his balls, Beavis rubbed his neck and looked to see Cartman running the other way down the hall.

"Hey, wait for me bunghole!" Beavis said, running after him.

"I… never… thought… I could… get a chance to kick a principal in the nads," Cartman said, huffing as he ran.

"Ohhh yeah, that was pretty cool." Beavis said.

A large figure loomed towards them at breakneck speed, catching them off guard. It was Coach Buzzcut! He grabbed Beavis by the throat, but instead of squeezing, he began to punch the boy in the stomach, holding him in place. Cartman excitedly took this opportunity to again kick a person in authoritah in the nads.

Unlike the principal's reaction, Buzzcut turned red, then shouted, "YES!" just loosening his grip on Beavis enough for him to wriggle free. Holding his stomach and stammering towards the cafeteria, they made their way inside.

Cartman pushed empty food carts in front of the doors, making sure to lock them as well. Turning around to look for a place of safety, he quickly noticed the smell of fried chicken wafting through the air. Snickering, he rushed over to the food in the kitchen, staring in absolute awe.

"Yes! YES!" Cartman shouted as he found himself surrounded by a mountain of fried chicken. He began to tear the chicken skin off, stuffing himself. Beavis on the other hand, was still rubbing his throat after the multiple attacks on him.

"I'm kinda thirsty…" Beavis said, looking around. Opening the storage refrigerator in the kitchen, Beavis found a real wonder. Inside was the school's semester supply of energy drinks for the vending machine. Also Kenny, but Beavis was too busy grabbing cans and dumping them in his mouth to notice.

Kenny left the fridge, hearing commotion in the kitchen. He walked in and saw Cartman finishing up the last of the chicken skins off every piece of chicken that was there.

Cartman turned around quickly, slurping a sliver of chicken skin in his mouth. He relaxed when he realized it was just Kenny. "KENNY! Why the fuck are you here?!" He said with his mouth full of chicken skin.

"Oh, just hanging out," Kenny replied. His response was muffled by his hood as always.

Before Cartman could respond, the zombies began to wedge the doors partway open. Mr. Van Driessen managed to squeeze into the cafeteria, much to the boys' horror.

"AHHHH, ZOMBIE HIPPIE!" Cartman screamed, ducking behind Beavis. He quickly grabbed Beavis's flamethrower and aimed it at Van Driessen. "STAY BACK!"

"Boys, listen to me, I'm not one of them! We need to get out of here! I'll do whatever I can to protect you, m'kay?" Van Driessen said, grabbing a fork and pointing it out towards the zombies like a weapon. "You see, I partake in natural medication and I think they implant chips in your brain using-"

"DIE HIPPIE ZOMBIE!" Cartman screamed as he pulled the trigger, lighting the teacher on fire.

Van Driessen screamed, falling back a bit and lighting the door and its barricade on fire. As the barricade fell to the fire, zombies began pouring in. Cartman, Beavis, and Kenny backed away uneasily, unsure of where to go. Thinking quickly, Cartman got an idea.

"See you later, Kenny!" he said, as he swiftly grabbed Kenny's hood and jerked it back, exposing his entire face.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, asshole?!" Kenny cried clearly without his hood in the way.

The zombies became even more violent, all focusing on Kenny. They all reached for him and held him in place as one zombie pulled his tongue out. It was the farmer! Kenny was still able to scream in agony before they tore out his voice box. He would never swear again. Then they all left him as he wheezed on the ground, unable to breathe. Soon enough, Kenny McCormick was dead.

Satisfied, the zombies all decided to go after Beavis and Cartman, but noticed they were gone. Skinless chicken littered the floor in front of a window that had been freshly shattered open. The boys were gone.

As the zombies staggered wildly, no longer targeting anything in particular, a shot rang out at a zombie that had begun climbing through the shattered window. The fire burned hot in the cafeteria as zombies began to shuffle out of the room. The fire began to move closer and closer to the still active fryers in the back.


	13. Wrath of the Bunghole

Butt-Head and the Almighty Bunghole sat comfortably on the couch in the exact replica of Butt-Head's living room. They were watching the 8-time Oscar winning film, _Ass_. The Almighty Bunghole was obviously enjoying it immensely, as it occasionally giggled throughout the film.

Butt-Head had been laughing throughout the whole movie and shoveled more nachos in his mouth. "You know, this movie is pretty cool. Maybe you aren't a buttknocker after all."

The Bunghole sat in silent fury for a moment before responding. " _How dare you foolish mortal think of me in such a way…_ " it finally retorted.

"Whatever," returned Butt-Head as he finished off another tray of nachos. Reaching for the napkins, he got an idea. He snickered as he grabbed a single napkin and began spanking the monkey to the movie, right in front of the Almighty Bunghole.

" _Oh, that is disgusting! Must you do that here?!_ " The Bunghole exclaimed.

"Uhhh, yeah," Butt-Head replied between jerks. He finally finished right into the napkin. Glancing over at the Bunghole gave him another brilliant idea.

"Uhhh, can you like, open the portal to Beavis?" he requested, snickering.

The Bunghole misunderstood what Butt-Head was going to do. After thinking the request over for a few moments, it replied. " _Good thinking boy, you could contact him and ask for assistance! We must leave this place._ "

"Yeah, Beavis is going to get my special monkey message," Butt-Head said. He stuck the jizz-stained napkin through a gap between the chains on the Bunghole after the portal shifted to Beavis. He only wished he could be there to see Beavis's reaction to his "message."

The Bunghole recoiled, constricting its sphincter closed the moment Butt-Head removed his arm. It was in absolute disgust and shock. " _You didn't even write anything on the napkin! How will he know we are here?_ "

Butt-Head had already returned his focus on the movie. "Uhhh, can you like, shut up? I'm trying to watch TV."

The Bunghole sighed and went back to watching _Ass_. It didn't know why it entertained its stupid company, but it really did find some kind of interesting pleasure in the film.

* * *

As smoke rose to the sky in the crisp air, the two boys ran through the streets. They skated around the busier areas, avoiding the masses of zombies. Suddenly they heard a large bang and saw flames reaching high in the air.

"Woah, the school is on fire again!" Cornholio noted. "Firrrrrre!" He added with glee.

"Woah that was fuckin' sweet!" Cartman exclaimed, forgetting that swearing would bring the zombies quickly upon them.

As if on cue, they heard the distinct sound of moaning and turned to see zombies drunkenly stammering towards them.

"Beavis! Look what you did! Your loud voice led them straight to us!" Cartman shouted.

"Uh… Uh oh…" Cornholio said. "I need to pinch a loaf really bad all of a sudden."

"THERE ARE MANY GREAT TIMES TO TAKE A DUMP, BUT NOW IS NOT ONE OF THEM, DUMBFUCK!" Cartman yelled at Cornholio, but his words fell on deaf ears.

Cornholio pulled down his pants and squatted. "AGHH!" Cornholio cried out as a used napkin gracefully fluttered out from between his butt cheeks, floating to the ground like a dead butterfly.

"The fuck?" Cartman muttered to himself after noticing the napkin. He picked it up and examined it, but didn't notice anything really unusual. "Why did a napkin fall out of your ass? Did someone use the Almighty Bunghole on you?"

Cornholio looked completely befuddled, confused by what had happened. He stared into the distance, unresponding. He didn't notice as a zombie snuck up behind him, crawling on the ground. Just as it was about to take a bite out of Cornholio's leg, a bullet fired, splattering zombie brains all over the ground.

Cartman jumped in reaction to the shots. He remembered hearing pops similar to that earlier and figured that those were gunshots too. He couldn't figure out where the shots were coming from, and only hoped he wasn't next.

Cornholio still did not move as more shots were fired at the zombies closing in around him.

Suddenly trash started flowing out of Cornholio's rear end, mostly empty soda cans and nacho trays. He began speaking in weird tongues.

Cartman would normally be amused by the sight of garbage falling out of someone's ass, but was too freaked out by the zombies surrounding them and random gunshots.

Cornholio felt an out of body experience occurring and could see Butt-Head and the Almighty Bunghole watching TV. He felt himself floating and thought he would barf. He flew through a strange compound and found himself floating above a large lake with a sign nearby reading, "Come Visit the Great Lake Titicaca!"

Cornholio finally spoke and ceased his thousand-yard stare, making intense eye contact with Cartman. "WOAH! I KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO NOW!"

"Yes, I know! We have to get out of here and not die!" Cartman quipped back.

"No, the Bunghole was like, in my mind! And it's at Lake Titicaca!" Cornholio replied as he reverted back to Beavis, his shirt slipping off his head and his arms lowering.

"I wasn't aware you had a functioning mind," Cartman whispered to himself.

A zombie suddenly charged surprisingly fast towards Beavis, tripping as it fell on the boy. It knocked them to the ground.

"Get off me bunghole!" Beavis shouted as he tried to kick at the zombie. Suddenly a long stick poked its way out of Beavis's ass, into the brain of the zombie.

"Woah, cool. Hey check it out, my butt totally shredded that guy," Beavis said, in absolute awe.

They heard the revving of a chainsaw and noticed him. The farmer was back. He had a chainsaw twice as long as the last one as well and he was grinning wildly.

"You boys are right dead now… ohhh yeah…" The farmer chuckled.

"NO! YOU DON'T HAVE TO KILL ME! I LEARNED NOW THAT THE F-WORD IS A NO-NO WORD! I'LL NEVER SAY IT AGAIN!" Cartman begged for mercy, tears streaming down his face.

The farmer was unphased by Cartman's pleas. "Oh, I'm not like them, oh no… I just do this for fun!"

Suddenly a shot rang out once again, this time ricocheting off the chainsaw. It hit Cartman in the stomach, stopping there with a thud. The ricochet had slowed the bullet, causing it to do relatively little damage to Cartman's body. Another bullet was fired, flying into the farmer's leg. The farmer, shocked at this development, turned and limped away as quickly as he could.

As he walked away he chuckled through the pain, "You boys... will be… oww... dead next time I see ya, you can bet on it. Ohhh yeah..."

* * *

Todd looked out at the scene. It was an absolute zoo. Only these idiots would be stupid enough to end up in the middle of something like that and be so helpless. Todd wiped the sweat from his brow and reloaded his sniper rifle. He was concerned because the fat one was hit by a bullet and he couldn't tell if the kid was alive. Still, he was pretty cool taking out everyone else like this. If only his gang was still alive to see him now.

"Oops…" Todd said with a slight smirk.

Almost instantly, his communicator rang. Swearing to himself, Todd answered it while still keeping an eye on the scene before him. "Yeah what?"

"Intel from on the field suggests you shot the fat one," Dauman replied on the other end. Todd did not expect Dauman himself to contact him again so soon.

"Yeah, I did on accident. Who cares?"

"HE MUST BE KEPT SAFE AT ALL COSTS, ALONG WITH THE OTHER ONE. YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL," Dauman roared, then quickly changed his tone to a calmer one. "You are lucky I sense the Protectors are nearby, and that the targets are already on their way here. They should be better off without you. Report back here immediately. Oh, and Mr. Ianuzzi, you WILL be punished for your error," he finished before hanging up.

"Damn kids," Todd muttered to himself. He wasn't sure what he should do next… He looked out towards town, then back in the direction he was told to go. Sighing, he put his rifle away and thought about what his next course of action should be.

* * *

Cartman lay on his back in the middle of all the slain zombies. "Beavis, you have to help me," he muttered. The bullet had done little real damage, but the boy had been shot, and it hurt. He was bleeding, but not dangerously so.

"Beavis, Beavis you gotta listen to me! Take out my iPhone and call 911…"

"Uhhh, okie dokie," Beavis said, taking out the phone. "Uhhh wait a second, this thing doesn't have any buttons."

"Jesus Christ, haven't you ever used a smartphone before?" Cartman retorted. "Just give me that, I'll do it!"

Beavis handed Cartman his phone. Cartman shakily unlocked it with his bloody fingerprint before handing it back. "Can you do it? My hands are getting too shaky…"

"Uhhh, okay," Beavis agreed. Upon getting the phone back, he noticed someone special listed as "BITCH" in the contacts list. "Woah, that hot chick!"

"Oh my God, don't you dare call that. You are supposed to call 911! I'm going to bleed to death over here!"

It was too late. Beavis had already called this familiar hot chick, hoping to score.

A voice picked up after only a couple rings. "Oh, there you are, poopsikins! Where are you? I fixed you some powdered donut pancake surprise!"

Beavis couldn't believe his luck. Usually you had to pay for these phone calls. "Uhhh, hey how's it goin'. What are you wearing, ma'am?"

"OH MY…" Ms. Cartman responded, already getting a bit excited. She didn't know who it was, but he sounded very intelligent.

"BEAVIS YOU HANG UP RIGHT NOW!" Cartman screamed and jumped to his feet as quickly as he could, only agitating his gunshot wound further. Standing up made him incredibly woozy and he fell back down. He no longer had the strength to stand. Stars danced in his eyes and only his anger at Beavis kept him awake.

Beavis remembered Cartman was hurt and decided to ask Ms. Cartman what to do. "So like, what's that thing you do… when blood won't stop coming out of you?"

"Oh my, I take a tampon and insert it into my vagina to soak it all up!" She replied frankly.

"OK, thank you drive through," Beavis replied, tossing the phone aside. He began walking towards the nearby Maxi Mart before he was interrupted by Cartman.

"No, don't leave me here you asshole! Take me to a-" Cartman began before finally blacking out.

Beavis turned around and picked up Cartman, carrying him bridal style. Flames and smoke rose in the background as he carried the boy with all his strength. It was pretty cool, except Beavis forgot all the bodies strewn around them and tripped, dropping Cartman and falling on top of him. Cartman was bleeding heavier now and blood got all over Beavis. He got up, picked Cartman up again, and continued his journey to Maxi Mart.

* * *

Soon enough, Beavis walked through the front door of Maxi Mart. It was completely empty, and Beavis wasn't used to not having the cashier giving him dirty looks on coming in. He roughly dropped Cartman on the ground when he noticed nobody would stop him from taking some nachos, and he helped himself. He only had enough money he copied at the print shop for a couple trays, and he laid it out on the counter. He even included a couple dimes he messily cut out of the paper to flaunt how generous he was.

After finishing the nachos, Beavis remembered something. That hot chick said the word "vagina" while on the phone with him. He snickered to himself, and then remembered his mission: to get those things chicks stick in their thing when they got their thing. He stood up and made his way to the women's' bathroom and began looking around. He stared at the toilets for a while, thinking about how women pooped in them and how a chick's naked butt touched the seat.

"Uhuhuhuhu," Beavis said.

Eventually, Beavis had found the tampons and grabbed a couple. He carried them to where Cartman was, not entirely sure what he was supposed to do. He was lost. He knew only chicks had vaginas, and didn't think this kid was a chick. He thought back to what Butt-Head did that one time he had a nosebleed, and decided to do what he did then. Butt-Head was pretty smart sometimes. He unwrapped the tampons and shoved them in Cartman's nose. He hadn't noticed the kid had a nose until now.

"There we go, that should do it," Beavis said to himself, pleased with his work. Unfortunately, Cartman did not move, and was still bleeding. He thought to the time he had to save Butt-Head when he was choking on chicken, and how he had to find a sign or something.

Looking around, he noticed a sign that read 'Heimlich Maneuver' on the wall behind the register and remembered that it was supposed to do something to help. He went behind the counter and grabbed it off the wall, attempting to read it as carefully as possible. Mimicking the diagrams as best he could, he began hugging Cartman from behind, then beating him in the stomach, causing blood to fly from the open wound.

"Woah, cool," Beavis said when he saw all the blood. He looked down at his hands and saw blood there too. "AHHHH I'M BLEEDING!" Beavis added, as he hit his head and passed out in a frantic panic.

* * *

Butt-Head scratched his ass and felt like something was off. He'd been watching TV for a while, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Something was missing… Or someone...

"Uh, oh yeah. I need to take a dump." Butt-Head said, either forgetting or never realizing he was actually imprisoned. Standing up to find the bathroom, he walked over to where the bathroom would normally be in his house and found the door to be stuck closed.

Making a sour face, he grabbed one of the TV antenna off the top of the TV and wedged it into the door. He pried the door open and left, finding himself in a much larger room than he expected. The room was filled with scientists collecting data and guards patrolling everywhere. Butt-Head really needed to get to the bathroom though, and slinked off down the metal catwalk that led from his bathroom door.

The Almighty Bunghole took this opportunity to slip out as well, unnoticed. It was merely curious as to what kind of facility it was currently residing in, so it began to very openly explore. Butt-Head in the meantime had found his way to a rather luxurious office room with a large throne-like chair faced the opposite direction of the door. Dauman sat in the chair, quietly contemplating his plans. He didn't notice as Butt-Head snuck into the bathroom to take a mondo duke. What Butt-Head did hear though, was the soft whimpering of Dauman as he cried quietly, whispering worrisome words about Cartman.

"They can't take you away from me…" He whispered quietly. "You make too much money for me… If you are dead, I have to wait a couple more months on putting in the next golden hot tub."

Butt-Head listened to the man whimper and began to chuckle and whispered, "Uhuhu, you cried."

Meanwhile, a guard had noticed that the Bunghole had escaped and sounded the alarm. He pulled out his AK-47 and started firing at the hole as it took notice of this and quickly shifted the portal to the man's own asshole. The man's ass fired off several rounds, each flying into other guards and riddling them full of holes.

A lone guard was left standing, staring at his ass with his jaw dropped. "Traitor!" he yelled as he quickly fired a bullet into the man's skull. Then walking up to the man he fired 3 shots point blank into his ass, ensuring that it posed no more threat. Having lost all faith in humanity, the last guard turned his pistol around, shoved it down his throat, and fired. While this was going on, Butt-Head continued to drop his mondo duke into the toilet, plop after plop dropping into the water. Exiting without flushing, Butt-Head made his way out of the stall as Dauman was too busy dealing with the alarm to notice.

The pile of guard bodies made for a much different sight as Butt-Head left the office and quietly went back in his room to watch some more TV.

* * *

Cartman's eyes opened and he blinked, not used to the brightness of the sun that was now shining high in the sky. He felt something thick in his nose and felt for it quickly, noticing that his stomach hurt a lot as he moved.

Pulling a tampon out of his nose he looked at it and said, "Dude… What the FUCK?!" He hadn't seen many of those since he found some that came out of Stan's mom. All he knew was women used it and he was NOT a girl!

He then realized he was sitting on a strange horse, surrounded by other horses. They were all mounted by Peruvians carrying instruments. They were riding through a vast desert and he was trapped. Tied down in a seat that highly resembled a baby's car seat, he shook and pulled on the straps, angry and frustrated.

"Oh donkey balls," Cartman said, realizing that not only was he tied up, he was surrounded by a Peruvian flute band.

He then noticed that one of the horses was mounted by a stout, bearded man and spoke to him. "George R.R. Martin?! What the hell are you doing here?!"

George R.R. Martin did not respond immediately, instead, he pulled out his high tech binoculars and scoped out each and every horse weiner before replying, "I need more inspiration for my next book."

Only one other horse was not mounted by a Peruvian band member, but he was clothed in cultural garb that covered most of his face, save the eyes. His pointed, sharp eyes looked at the boy with great intelligence.

The sharp eyed man pointed to Cartman, and the man mounting the horse in front of him handed Cartman a box. He reached for it and opened it to reveal nachos for the journey. It was then that Cartman knew exactly who the man with the sharp eyes was.

"Beavis you black asshole! Get me the FUCK out of this thing! And what is it with you and your shitty nachos anyway?! I'M SICK OF IT! IS THAT ALL YOU FUCKIN' EAT!? And why did I have those weird girl thingies up my nose!?" Cartman screamed. He wanted answers NOW.

The man pulled down the scarf covering his mouth to reveal that he was indeed Beavis. Grinning at Cartman he said, "Hey, how's it goin?"

Luckily for Beavis, one of the band members interjected before Cartman could bite Beavis's head off. He spoke in Spanish, which was lost on Beavis but not Cartman. "We found you boys in Highland. The ugly one kept talking about Lake Titicaca, so we patched you up and are taking you there since it is so close to our home Peru anyway. You are fortunate you are fat, or else you would have died from that bullet."

Cartman wasn't sure what to do with that last bit of information. He contemplated murdering the Peruvian flute band member for calling him fat, until he was interrupted in his thoughts by Beavis.

"Ummm, what did he say? I don't speak British."

Cartman recognized this as the perfect opportunity for some amusement at Beavis's expense. "Uhhh, he said that we are going to Lake Titicaca and they also gave me the unfortunate news that Metallica has split up and will never play again."

"Uhh, I don't know, that sounds like it sucks," Beavis said, picking his nose. He was clearly in the denial stage of grief.

"No dude, you see, they said Metallica is broken up and only I can uh… bring them back together. So… You need to do what I say so they can come back."

"Oh… Well uh, okie dokie then. This sucks Butt-Head. Hey, where's Butt-Head?" Beavis asked, forgetting where he was.

Beavis slowed his horse with expert precision. Nobody questioned why he could actually ride a horse. All the others stopped and unanimously decided to camp for the night. Setting up camp, the Peruvian Flute Band began playing upbeat Peruvian tunes.

Beavis made a disgusted face and said, "This sucks, can you like, play Megadeth or something?"

The Peruvian Flute Band looked at one another, shrugged, and began playing "Hangar 18."

Beavis started headbanging as the band played into the night. Suddenly, just near the end of the song, a small band of Arabian Mexicans appeared out on the horizon. They wielded saber blades and traditional Mexican Taco Cannons.

The Peruvian Flute Band held up their arms in surrender. Cartman and Beavis had been through enough to know that surrender was no longer an option. The only way left was to beat them. They were going to war.


	14. Pirates, a Dragon, and an Asshole

Wiping the sweat from his brow, Cartman dropped the bloody saber he was holding. Bodies were strewn across the hot sand. He reached into the pocket of a nearby Peruvian and pulled out a full canteen of water. He dumped the entire contents into his mouth, heavily panting. The battle was mighty, epic even.

"Those stupid sand beaner pirates couldn't beat me! Pirates are fuckin' gay anyway, at least ninjas are still cool," Cartman said, eyes burning passionately.

Beavis dropped his flamethrower to the ground. The fuel was finally empty. The small group of Peruvians and the two boys gathered around the burning corpse of one of their victims as the sun set and the temperature dropped.

Huddling under blankets for warmth, the group fell asleep. Beavis slowly fell into a deep state of R.E.M. he had visions of his journey up to this point. He remembered leaving Highland with the fat kid, going to Canada and meeting Satan. He remembered when he got to South Park and the mundane bullshit there. Finally, he remembered meeting the Almighty Bunghole. Suddenly he found himself in a glowing white room. A light hum droned in the background as the Almighty Bunghole floated above him.

" _You are my herald, young one. You have been my herald since the moment you were born. But do you deserve it?_ " The Almighty Bunghole roared at the boy.

"Ummm, okay," Beavis replied, scratching his nads. "Would you like, turn off the sound? It sucks, you should play some Metallica."

" _If you insist,_ " The Almighty Bunghole bellowed as a soft, elevator music version of Enter Sandman hummed. " _Now, young man, you must give up something very valuable to you. You must do it willingly, for I shall not force you._ "

Beavis paid little attention as he was too busy frowning at how awful the Metallica cover was. How could you make such a cool song suck so hard?

" _How dare you! Blood on the Dance Floor does a mean cover,"_ The Almighty Bunghole snapped. Returning to a state of peace, the Bunghole continued. " _I am going to take your bunghole. You will be without it forever. For the rest of your life you will never be able to utter a flatulence from your body, nor will you ever be able to create solid excrements. Do you accept this?"_

Beavis stood, shocked and said, "Uhh, no way dude! I need to poop!"

The Bunghole rolled its sphincter and replied, " _Look, you have to do this or you won't be able to see Butt-Head ever again. You also won't get a new TV either."_

"Dammit…" Beavis replied. "Well I guess I don't have a choice then. Take my bunghole…"

" _As you wish, herald."_ The bunghole replied as Beavis began to grab for his ass in pain as he felt his flesh fill in his ass, creating a closed flab of skin.

Beavis winced and began screaming, "I have to take a dump! Ohhh noo…" Beavis screamed as his entire body exploded as massive globs of poop were flung from his body.

Suddenly Beavis awoke from this nightmare and remembered where he was. He stood up and immediately pulled down his pants to make sure his bunghole was still intact. Unfortunately for him, he was not flexible enough to see for himself.

"Kid, wake up! Hurry!" he whispered rather loudly in Cartman's ear and shaking him violently.

Cartman woke up fast, but noticed Beavis was half naked before he got a chance to yell at him. "Dude, what the hell?"

Beavis wasted no time explaining his predicament. "I think my bunghole is gone! Can you check?!" he said, turning around and spreading his ass cheeks uncomfortably close to Cartman's face. His bunghole was indeed, still there.

Cartman leaned away as far as he could, but decided to make the best of his situation. Faking shock, he finally answered Beavis's dire question. "Oh my goodness, it's totally gone! Unbelievable."

Beavis's eyes widened as his nightmare was confirmed for reality. He started screaming, waking up the Peruvian flute band.

"What's wrong?" one member asked, still speaking in Spanish.

Cartman had to stifle a snicker. He could take full advantage of the language barrier here and see how long Beavis thought he had no asshole. He cleared his throat and responded back in Spanish, "Oh, it's cool, he just had a nightmare is all. He doesn't want to talk about it."

Packing up their things, they quickly moved on, heading towards Lake Titicaca.

* * *

The Knights of Standards and Practices drew their swords and prepared for battle. They could sense that the Almighty Bunghole's herald approached.

Cartman became concerned as they moved closer. The figures he saw in the distance seemed somehow… familiar. He couldn't place his finger on why though. As they closed in, the band stopped to take in the lake's majesty. It was truly a sight to behold and they didn't expect it to be so breathtaking. The glistening blue water stretched out for miles. The sinister void in the sky that had been there for the past few days did little to distract from the beauty of the lake.

The leader of the Peruvian Flute Band looked at the water and a tear came to his eye. In broken English he said, "This, my friends, is the most beautiful place on Earth. Nothing can soil this moment of triumph. At last, we are here."

As the group pressed onward, the knights noticed the travellers, not seeing their targets right away.

One of the knights, a red haired man known as Knight #1, strode towards the group, intending to direct the band away from the battle area. He knew that where they were standing would become a great warzone, and didn't want any innocent, non-swearing citizens being harmed.

"Halt, fine travellers!" Knight #1 uttered. "Thou must turneth away. A war shall soon be fought here."

Cartman took one look at the man and groaned, saying, "Oh no, a GINGER."

The knight glared at the boy in utter shock. He was too angry at the tone of the uttering of the word ginger. "Do ye have somethin' against red-headed folk, chil'?!"

Cartman smiled sweetly and said, "Why whatever do you mean?"

The man's face turned red as he grabbed his sword from its sheath, making a swift clinking sound. The band members followed, readying their instruments for battle.

One of the knights in a helmet stepped forward and said, "Sir, I believe these two boys are the-"

"Hush yourself, Knight #3! This boy needs to be taught a heck of a lesson." Knight #1 said, his beady eyes staring down at the boy.

Raising his sword, one of the band members swung into action, lunging at the knight and crossing his flute against the sword. It surprisingly held up against the sharp claymore blade.

Beavis screamed, "We're all gonna die!" And ran towards the lake, out of danger. Stumbling on the side of the lake, he fell into the water and found it filled to the brim with dead frogs.

Cartman was running away alongside Beavis, but had to stop and laugh when he fell in the lake. Unfortunately for him, his laughter was cut short when he slipped on a dead frog and fell into the water after him. As the battle raged on, Beavis and Cartman swam to each other in the water, through the pile of deceased, smelly frogs. Luckily for Beavis, Cartman had quite a bit of natural buoyancy.

They couldn't see the frogs from further away, but now that they were in the lake itself, the smell was overwhelming. There was a vast array of the dead frogs around the edges and bottom of the lake, and some on the ground near the water.

Cartman was the first to question this. He grabbed one from nearby and inspected it. "What the hell is with all these dead frogs?" after a few seconds, he started snickering. Moving the frog in Beavis's face, he continued, "Hey Beavis, look! Mr. Garrison told us about these frogs, they are called scrotum frogs because they look kind of like ballsacks!"

"Woah, cool!" Beavis said, picking one up. "Hey check it out, I am ballsack head!" Beavis continued, putting the frog on his head. To his surprise, it was alive and hopped off and away.

"Don't worry Beavis, I still think you're a ballsack head."

* * *

The battle between the Peruvian flute band and the Knights of Standards and Practices raged on. Knight #4 lay dead on the ground, a flute poking through his forehead, all the way to the back. When the wind blew, you could hear the sound of the whistle through the man's head.

Knight #6's corpse lay next to Knight #4's, with drumsticks shoved through his eyes. The entire drum was smashed over his head, crushing his skull and killing him instantly.

A band member lay dead too, a large wound cleaved through his hand, causing him to quickly bleed to death. His last thought before he died was that he couldn't play anymore anyway, life wasn't worth living.

One of the remaining band members was being skewered in the chest with a large mace. Using the last of his energy, he reached for his flute, played a strange combination of notes, then lay dead. The other flute players stopped the fight, suddenly backing off.

"Oh, had enough have ye?" Knight #2 uttered with a smirk. Suddenly a roar cried out from behind the knights and they turned, only to find a large, clawed paw smash one of them into a bloody pulp.

One of the flute players uttered softly, "La muerte peluda…"

The flute players looked on in dismay as the massive guinea pig tore the knights apart until only one was left standing. It was the ginger knight. He was shaking in fear, but busy muttering something to himself over and over. It was the word shit, one of the forbidden words of curse.

Out of breath, he said it one last time, as the creature gnashed its bloody teeth towards him, suddenly stopping just short of his head.

Turning around to see what had stopped it, the over-sized guinea pig looked as an even more massive dragon bit it half. It squealed in horror as it fell, dead.

The dragon roared towards the sky, stretching out its wings and getting ready to finish off the rest of the Peruvian flute band.

* * *

"Hurry up Beavis! Don't you see it yet?" Cartman asked, pointing at the small building on the side of the lake. "I need to pee really bad!" The porta potty seemed innocent enough, but was strangely just at the edge of the lake. Nobody would want to use their precious toilet time to be all wet in a lake.

Cartman looked back as the black dragon bit into the guinea pig. "Woah, that thing still has some sand in its vagina," he noted.

Cartman knew he had to use the bathroom quickly since he hadn't used a real toilet since they were back at Beavis's house. Scurrying to the nearby port-a-potty, he opened the door and was abruptly knocked over by Beavis, who also needed to piss.

"OH HELL NOOOO!" Cartman yelled as Beavis pulled down his fly to take a wizz. Beavis needed to take a dump really bad but lacked a bunghole so he didn't know what to do. He thought maybe the poop would just come out with his pee.

"YOU PUT YOUR WIENER AWAY RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING FIRST!" Cartman yelled, pushing his way inside the porta potty in attempt to shove Beavis out.

"No way, I got here first!" Beavis retorted, shoving Cartman back.

They both continued fighting, pulling each other's hair and knocking each other against the surprisingly sturdy walls until they finally managed to push down the toilet seat by accident. This caused the door to snap closed behind them and suddenly they were moving down into the lake at an angle.

* * *

Knight #1 was ecstatic that his plan had worked. "Aye! Rise, Geldon! Destroy them aw an' lit me capture mah prisoners!"

The band was still running on adrenaline after seeing one of their members slain mercilessly. The pan flute player rushed forward and began hitting the dragon's foot with his pan flute as hard as he could. It left a small bruise, since pan flute players are not to be reckoned with. The dragon glanced down at him and moved its foot slightly, smashing the pan flutist under its sharp claws, eviscerating him.

The other remaining band members screamed, but decided their battle was not lost quite yet. They charged the beast, instruments drawn. They would do whatever they could to protect the children in their care. Unfortunately for them, their battle would not last long. The dragon tired of this fight and made short work of the band, killing them swiftly and joyously with its flame breath.

* * *

Butt-Head looked over on the couch to see that the Almighty Bunghole had returned to his side. He gave a few chuckles, remembering how funny the Bunghole looked to him, before returning to watching TV. The Bunghole seemed less interested in the show, looking towards the door as if anticipating something. Butt-Head didn't really care though. He figured it was just being weird like bungholes often were.

* * *

Dauman sat just a few rooms away, brooding in his office. He was watching the large screen on his wall as the dragon defeated the band members. It was such a waste of time and resources for something so pointless. Now all that stood between him and the Bunghole's herald was one knight and a dragon that was the symbol of everything he was trying to eliminate.

Staring coldly at the image he managed to miss Beavis and Cartman slip into the entrance of the base. Rubbing his temples to calm himself, he laid back and tried to relax. He couldn't do anything right now anyway, and it wasn't like anything urgently acquired his attention. The plan would still work. He would still win. Even if most of his guards had been killed in the escape attempt masterminded by the Bunghole, his plan would succeed. It was foolproof.

Taking a sip of his drink, he smiled. "At least the frogs are dead," he said to himself.

* * *

Beavis and Cartman were rushing down the porta potty at near breakneck speed, arriving in a room seemingly devoid of anyone.

"Huh, that was pretty easy," Cartman said, smiling. They headed down the hall and froze. Dried blood coated the floor and walls like a macabre paintjob. "Woah! Beavis, what do you think happened in here?" Cartman said, genuinely curious.

"Uh, who cares, I still need to take a piss." Beavis said, annoyed. "And besides, my nose bled more than this before. It isn't such a big deal."

Beavis picked his nose and suddenly his eyes opened wide as he walked rigidly up the metallic stairs and towards a regular looking door. Wiggling the knob a bit, he giggled at the word knob and opened the door.

"Oh, hey check it out, I'm back home!" Beavis smiled and sat down next to Butt-Head, though it was a tight squeeze because the Almighty Bunghole was hogging the couch. Unfortunately, Jersey Shore and therefore that dumb skank Snooki were on the TV. He was about to tell Butt-Head to change it, but hesitated. He felt something was missing.

"Ohhh, yeah," He said, picking up one of the nachos on the table and eating it quickly.

Butt-Head noticed Beavis was there and with a mouth full of nachos said, "Oh hey buttmunch, where have you been?"

Meanwhile Cartman was staring at the Almighty Bunghole, once again in awe of it's glory. He saw the chains and knew what he had to do… He had to sit and watch TV with everyone on the couch! He had a long day! He attempted to squeeze himself onto the couch and failed, unable to fit entirely, despite his best attempts. Angry, he started shoving Butt-Head.

"You asshole! While we were fighting pirates in the desert and zombies in Highland you were sitting your lazy black ASS here! Now get the fuck off the couch, I deserve to sit down!"

The Almighty Bunghole noticed that Cartman was telling the truth and moved swiftly to accommodate the boy. " _Here you go, boy. I sense you are telling the truth. That is a noble attribute to have._ "

Cartman took this as proof that the Almighty Bunghole listened to him and started gloating. "Woohoo! It listens to ME! See!"

"Shut up, asswipe, I'm trying to look at how hot Snooki's butt is," Butt-Head replied coldly.

"Uhhh, I gotta take a leak," Beavis said, suddenly standing up and unable to hold it any longer.

Before Beavis could reach the door, it quickly swung open. Knight #1 walked in, panting for breath and looking nervous.

"Ye wee jimmies must be comin' wit' me now, Dauman wishes ta see ye!" the Knight exclaimed.

"Uh, no way dude, Jersey Shore is on," Butt-Head said.

The angered knight grabbed Butt-Head by the back of his pants and carried the boy, shutting off the TV as he walked by it.

"Let go of me you fartknocker!" Butt-Head yelled. He had to know if Snooki would take off her clothes this time. He just had to know.

The Almighty Bunghole got up and began following the knight, Cartman following closely behind. He had to make sure the power of the Bunghole remained his, now that he was back with it. Beavis followed as well, stricken by some strange draw towards the Bunghole.

Entering the large hall, the boys saw a short man standing in the center, close to the far wall. He was leaning on a fancy diamond-tipped cane that was studded in jewels. His other hand held a wineglass with member berry Juicy Juice.

"Hello to you sillies," Dauman said with a smirk. "Boy have I been excited to talk with you."

"Who the FUCK are you asshole?!" Cartman asked. He was sick of this shit.

"THAT! Is why I've done what I've been doing…" Dauman said in a booming voice, addressing the swear words that colorfully dotted Cartman's sentence. Quickly settling back into his cool and calm persona, Dauman snickered and stepped closer to the group. "I'm glad you asked, my dear boy. I am Philippe Dauman, the president, chairman, and CEO of Viacom."

"Uhhh what?" Butt-Head asked, confused. Despite having been introduced earlier, he still wasn't following any of this at all.

"You see, I wish to eliminate all swearing. I have very nearly succeeded. However, you children… present a certain problem to my goals." He turned to address the remaining Knight of Standards and Practices. "Knight #1?"

The knight stepped forward, grabbing Beavis and Butt-Head, pulling them away from Dauman and Cartman. Dauman made a neck slicing motion towards the knight, to which the knight nodded, drawing his sword.

"Uhh… hold on a second, what are you gonna do with that?" Beavis asked, looking at the knight, now feeling nervous.

"I thought if I could get you to work with me, I could control the Almighty Bunghole. It would make my plan move so much more swiftly if I could implant my new model MTV-Chips inside the rectal cavity of every human on Earth, but this is only a minor setback. Our chips would enter the bloodstream, heading straight for the host's brain, installing itself there within hours. No one would ever swear again… The perfect world… But no matter, I'll just have to give it to everyone the old fashioned way… Invasive surgery." Dauman explained.

"Um, excuse me, but if you want to get rid of swearing why am I not about to be killed like Beavis and Butt-Head? I'm like, the biggest swearer ever. Not that I want to change your mind," Cartman asked, worried that the question WOULD change his mind.

"Don't you see, they are no longer profitable to me." Dauman's smirk hardened into a deranged grin. "You on the other hand, are my most valuable asset."


	15. Sayonara, Bunghole

Dauman gave Cartman a sharp, intelligent look. His icy gaze made Cartman uncomfortable. "Umm… Why are you looking at me like that?" Cartman asked nervously.

"You see, you make me money. Lots of it. Just by being your terrible fat little self," Dauman said, smirking at the big boned boy. "You fools on the other hand, are worthless! Wastes of space! You aren't even in reruns! You should be cancelled from reality!" Dauman continued, staring with a blind rage at the pair of metal lovers.

Beavis nor Butt-Head were paying attention to what he was saying at all, instead they were surveying the base. Neither would have understood what he was talking about anyway. They were trying to find an opportunity to slip back into the replica of their room and continue to watch TV.

Dauman ignored their uninterested demeanor and kept monologuing. "In addition to that, your crossover got way too long. You thought this was going to be a short, simple little meeting, didn't you? But things just kept happening. And it kept going on and on for way too long. Did you happen to notice that void in the sky? It will engulf the entire planet if you don't go back to your lives," Dauman continued, pacing as he spoke. "Actually… Beavis and Butt-Head. The two of you aren't even needed any longer. You could easily be killed for all that you've done to stunt my plans. Knight #1, you dispose of them."

The knight looked at the pair and nervously drew his sword. "But sir, ta kill unarmed wee lads… It ain't right!"

"Uhhh… This sucks, me and Beavis are going back upstairs to watch TV. Later dudes," Butt-Head said, as they ignored the seriousness of the situation and walked away leisurely.

This was the final straw for Dauman. He began sputtering in anger. "You… you fools! You lame brains! How do you loathsome creations not give a DAMN about what is going to happen?! You are going to DIE TO DEATH and I will win. I will censor the world and no one will swear again!"

Knight #1 stopped and stared in silence at the red faced CEO. A scowl grew on the knight's face. He had heard enough. It was against everything that he and those other knights stood for. "Ye have sworn and broken me trust. Ye want me to kill these wee lads, brainless as they be. I shall not follow ye any longer, ye must be stopped!" Knight #1 directed his sword towards Dauman.

The unexpected betrayal just served to make Dauman angrier. He stamped his feet as he continued yelling. "FINE! I don't need you poopy buttholes anyway! You can all die together, except the tubby one!"

Taking out a megaphone, Knight #1 yelled, "Do ye hear that, dragon?! This daffy bloomin' dobber uttered yet another word of curse! Show him yer fury!"

Dauman took out a knife and began walking slowly towards Beavis and Butt-Head as they again tried walking away. Bloodlust fueled his desire to murder the boys. Suddenly, a rumbling shook the underwater base, pipes leaking water. A crack was seen splitting at one of the underwater windows, followed by an ear-splitting screech as metal tore away from the roof of the room they were in. Everyone stopped and stared as the massive behemoth climbed in, water pouring around it.

"Hey, it's not cool to curse," The dragon said matter-of-factly.

The dragon raised its claw in attack and scooped up the stunned CEO. Water began filling up the base and everyone found themselves in ankle-deep water. The dragon roared in Dauman's face, who seemed too calm for what was going on.

"Put me down if you want to live," Dauman threatened. The dragon did hesitate a moment, confused as to what kind of threat this balding middle aged man could pose to it.

A burst of light suddenly flung from Dauman's eyes and mouth, covering his entire body. Everyone stopped to look now. The man was radiating energy. His form changed as his body took on muscle mass and the small bit of hair left on the back of his head grew down his back, reaching his ankles. It was still thinning old man hair, though. His teeth grew into hideous fangs and his ears turned into points. For some reason, his clothes changed as well. He now donned armor made from many folded one hundred dollar bills. Many zippers lined his entire outfit, most seeming pretty useless. Nobody was sure how he got zippers onto cash. It made for a punk type samurai-esque outfit.

Grabbing the dragon by the snout, his claws dug into its flesh. The dragon reared back and sneezed involuntarily, then began screaming as Dauman dropped to the floor. He stood there for a few moments, staring coldly into the dragon's eyes before deciding to show off his signature move. "I will make an example out of you, you big dummy. Behold, my ultimate attack: Death of a Thousand Papercuts!"

Dauman used a handful of the bills from his armor and flung them at a breakneck pace at the dragon. Not only was its head sliced off, but its entire body was cut to pieces. As all of the bloody chunks fell to the ground, the money flew back onto Dauman's armor, not even wrinkled. Merely bloodstained.

Cartman stood in shock with his mouth gaping open. He stammered, trying to find a word but was at a loss. He turned and started running towards the nearest door, moving slowly due to the flooding room. The water was now up to his waist, but not as noticeable to the others. He was a little annoyed at himself for not running sooner, but he just had to see Dauman get killed by the dragon. It was too bad that didn't happen, but that was kinda cool too.

Beavis and Butt-Head had stopped and were staring too, their mouths also gaped open in awe at what they'd just seen. It was like some crazy music video. Knight #1 suddenly moved in front of the boys and said, "Get behind me ya wee lads, I'll protect ye from this absolute fuddy doily!"

"Hey buttmunch! I'm not a wee anything! So just shut your trap!" Beavis said in a fit of rage.

"Hey Beavis, you just wee'd uhuhu." Butt-Head lied. Beavis very well could have in the gross lake water, especially since some of the dead scrotum frogs were flooding into the base as well.

Beavis picked up one of the dead frogs and said, "Hey, Butt-Head, did you know these things are actually called scrotum frogs? That's pretty cool."

Butt-Head laughed and said, "Hey Beavis, it's like you're touching a dude's balls."

"Ahh! Get it away from me!" Beavis shouted, throwing the frog straight at Dauman. The cold, dead, testicle-like tissue hit his face with a splat.

The CEO stood in stunned silence. He gazed at Beavis and Butt-Head with eyes that could kill. His face became stern and he quietly began moving through the water towards the two boys, weapon at the ready.

"Lads! Ye be in a wee bit 'o trouble! Lemme help ye out!" The knight exclaimed, rushing over to their side as Dauman attacked. The knight parried and swung back at the CEO, only to find that his weapon did no harm as the armor was too powerful. "I cannot break ye armor, the paper doubloons is too powerful!" The knight said, now fearful for his life.

Dauman smirked down at Knight #1 as he effortlessly held his blade between two fingers. "Pitiful fool….your stupid dumb loser life ends here and now!"

Dauman slapped the knight across the face with a chuckle, knocking the blade into the deepening water. "Any final words you silly little man?"

"Ye scabby walloper, ye let me distract ya… Now they will get away… I won't die in vain!" The knight said, a smirk on his face.

Dauman frowned and looked as the boys headed away from him relatively quickly. Staring back at Knight #1, his frown turned into a ghastly smile as he quietly said, "Well, you don't need to worry about it anymore, do you?"

The knight was about to lunge at Dauman, but before he could wrap his arms around the aging CEO's neck, Dauman thrust his fingers into his chest. His claws pierced the armor and slid up under his ribcage. "Nighty-night, baby knight man," Dauman whispered into Knight #1's ear, just before yanking his hand back out. Knight #1's vision faded to black. The last thing he heard was a whispered "Don't let the bedbugs bite…"

* * *

Beavis and Butt-Head finally caught up to Cartman and joined him and the Almighty Bunghole in watching TV back in the false living room. It was not yet flooded like some other areas of the base, and none of them seemed concerned that they would have to leave soon. They heard a blood-curdling scream of terror followed by silence. Then they heard the noises of gore slapping against the wall and into the water.

"Uhhh, what the hell was that?" Butt-Head asked.

Beavis replied, "Uhh, I don't know, but this show sucks, Butt-Head. Change it."

Cartman sat bored, since nothing good was on TV. He needed to get out and his only exit, the Almighty Bunghole's portal, was still chained shut. How would he get out of there? Cartman got up to pace and think.

Suddenly, the wall opposite the door burst apart from an attack by Dauman. The CEO himself stood there, a deranged smile on his face. "Are you dum dums ready for your game to be over?"

Butt-Head stared at the man and said, "Hey Beavis, check it out! It's the Kool-Aid Man!"

Beavis glared at Dauman with enraged eyes and screamed, "Shut up dillhole! We are gonna watch some Metallica! Dammit, what does it take to get some peace and quiet around here?!"

Butt-Head showed his silent agreement by turning up the volume on the TV.

Dauman scowled as he prepared to attack, knowing that no words would ever reach the two idiots sitting in front of him. They would only die.

Beavis screamed and ducked behind Cartman. This surprisingly worked to deter Dauman, as he stopped dead in his tracks. It was almost like a freeze frame. Dauman was still in the same attack position he froze in and looked at them with his eyes wide in worry.

"What… are you sillies doing?" The CEO said, startled. He was so startled.

Cartman had flinched, but relaxed when he noticed Dauman's inability to hurt him. "You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll throw down!"

Butt-Head wasn't paying much attention, as the commercials were just wrapping up on MTV Classic. "YES! YES!" Butt-Head exclaimed as "Master of Puppets" began playing on the TV, complete with a music video. Beavis was immediately distracted by the music and was drawn to the couch.

With a smirk, Dauman knew he had the perfect opportunity to attack. Gently pushing Cartman out of the way, he lunged at the headbanging boys on the couch. He instead was met with the clanging and breaking of metal chains as fragments flew into the Almighty Bunghole's anus. Someone was going to have a bad time, wherever those ended up.

"Oh, you want to fight then, my pretty little bumhole? Fine then, let's dance," Dauman said as he charged at the Almighty Bunghole. The final showdown was about to begin.

Dauman attacked first, launching razor-sharp dollar-bills at the Bunghole. Anticipating this move, the Bunghole caught each of the bills with its portal, harmlessly teleporting it away. Someone was about to have a good time, wherever those ended up.

" _Cease this fighting immediately and leave my herald be, Philippe,_ " the Bunghole demanded.

Butt-Head turned the TV volume as loud as he could possibly make it. "Master of Puppets" blared over the raging fight between the Almighty Bunghole and Dauman. Water continued to fill the facility slowly as the fight went on and would eventually endanger the three boys. As the battle continued, Beavis and Butt-Head took little notice. They were comfortable on the couch watching Metallica.

Things got brutal when Dauman cornered the Bunghole and carefully moved close to it, grabbing one of the hooks still lodged in its fleshy opening. Pulling on it hard, he ripped the hook out, causing blood to pour from the wound. The Bunghole then froze in place and spoke with an all powerful telekinesis. " _My child, I require your help. I am imbuing you with some of my own power. Use it wisely._ "

Beavis suddenly became extremely hyper, screaming loudly as caffeine flooded his bloodstream from the unnatural source of the Bunghole. He painfully transformed once again into the all powerful and Great Cornholio. This time, it was different. The caffeine continued to pour through his bloodstream, augmenting his powers. Finally, he raised his arms to either side of his head and proclaimed with fierce determination, "I AM THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE! ARE YOU THREATENING ME!?"

Toilet paper from all over the facility, both wet and dry, began to move towards him with a strange glow, then enveloped him, and his eyes glowed white. Now Cornholio had armor that mirrored Dauman's. With a "Racacacaca!" Cornholio struck, firing long streams of toilet paper, enveloping the CEO and slowing him down. As Dauman ripped the toilet paper off, Cornholio cried, "I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!" Toilet paper quickly moved to the Almighty Bunghole, healing it and covering the bloody wound with the toilet paper.

Dauman ripped the final bit of toilet paper off his body and proclaimed in a high pitch tone, "You big weenies will all die today." He lunged at Cornholio and was rammed by the Bunghole, knocking him to the ground in front of the couch. Water was now entering the room and Dauman noticed as he got up on his hands and knees. Butt-Head, now disturbed by the inability to see the TV, stood up and kicked the CEO.

"Get outta the way buttmunch!" Butt-Head yelled, continuing to kick the man. Dauman, feeling disgraced at the problems these worthless characters were giving him, grabbed Butt-Head by the shirt, about to pummel the boy's face into a fine paste. Just before the attack connected, many strands of toilet paper grabbed his arm, turning the punch into little more than an annoying tap. Butt-Head responded with a heavy kick to the man's face and said, "Cut it out dillweed, that was a wussy punch."

Dauman, now enraged beyond belief, turned to face the boy clad in TP and readied a scythe made from the dollar bills. He charged at Cornholio with the fury of Donald Trump on Twitter. He began slicing TP off the boy's body, cutting away the floating strands surrounding him. Some of the wet TP had begun to harden and Cornholio utilized it, throwing the gooey mixture at the CEO, covering his eyes. Dauman screamed, "MY EYES!" and began reaching for anything to get a grip on where he was.

Cartman had a brilliant idea. Trying to connect to the Almighty Bunghole with his mind, he closed his eyes and thought hard about assholes. He mostly just thought of the time he made Kyle put his finger into his own ass, but it still surprisingly worked. He heard the booming voice of the Bunghole in his head. " _What is it you need, my child?_ "

" _Hey, dude! Could you maybe, throw this dumbass into… his own ass?_ " Cartman asked the Bunghole.

" _That, my child, is one thing I must never do. However, this may be a time to break that rule. This CEO and President of Viacom is far too powerful. I will do what I must to stop this from going any further and protect my chosen herald. This will fulfill the prophecy. Thank you, my child._ " The Almighty Bunghole grumbled into Cartman's mind, grateful to be able to break that mental link. That kid's mind was scary.

The Almighty Bunghole relayed the message to Cornholio, who snickered and prepared. Summoning all that was left of the TP, he wrapped it around the still blind CEO and began pulling the strands towards the Almighty Bunghole. As toilet paper met the portal, Dauman could feel it exiting his own ass. In a blind rage, he screamed, "NOOOO!" He tore off the last of the toilet paper covering his eyes and stared into the face of his attacker. The Great Cornholio looked back with a grin and stated, "I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF MY BUNGHOLE!"

With this cry, the TP strengthened, pulling the man through the portal with a scream that could wake the dead. "CURSE YOU, CORNHOLIO! CURSE YOU, BUNGHOLE!"

The man emerged from his own anus head first with a sickening sound, before vanishing from existence entirely in a blinding flash of white light as his own anus entered the hole as well. The room was silent except for the sound of water continuing to pour into the base.

Cornholio's transformation wore off, his feet returning to the ground and his shirt falling back into its normal place. He stumbled and fell to the floor, his face submerged entirely in water. He was exhausted and Cartman ran over to lift up his head.

"That was totally fuckin sweet dude!" Cartman said. "You know, we should totally TP Kyle's house again. You can do that thing where you were flying, and like, totally wrap the entire house in toilet paper. They'd never get out!"

"Uhhh, what?" Beavis replied, having no recollection of what just happened. "Why am I all wet?"

Butt-Head was sitting on the armrest of the sofa to keep out of the water. "Uhhh, you like, wet yourself and it got everywhere. Uhuhu."

"Ohhh nooooo! Not again!" Beavis said, terribly upset.

The Bunghole went closer to the group, hovering proudly over its chosen one. " _Well done, my child. I am sorry, but I must leave you all and return to my eternal slumber. Before that though, I must return you boys to your home in Texas._ "

"Noooo! You caaaan't leave Mr. Bunghole! You are too awesome!" Cartman said, hoping to still utilize its abilities to torment Kyle.

" _I am sorry my child but I am afraid I must remain here in this prophecy has been fulfilled and I must stay here to ensure the story is completed. That and you are a terrible fat little boy and I detest you._ " The Bunghole said, before turning towards Beavis and bellowing, " _Enter quickly my child. I will keep the portal open as long as I am able to."_

The water now reached Cartman's second chin, but he barely noticed. He was fuming in anger at how the Almighty Bunghole had spoken to him. "After all we went through you… FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!" Cartman roared.

"Uhhh, I don't want to go back home. There's TV here," Butt-Head pointed out. The gears in his head began turning, and he got a brilliant idea. "Uhhh, wait a minute…" he said as he waded over to the TV, fumbling with cables to get it unhooked. As the water filled the socket, the TV sparked a bit before he got it unplugged.

"Let's get out of here, I don't wanna take a bath in the living room." Butt-Head said, as he climbed on the couch, using it as a stairway to enter the bunghole. Everyone else hurried and followed, jumping through.

After everyone else had passed through, Beavis stopped for a moment and looked up at the Bunghole one last time. He felt something similar to sadness and rubbed his eyes, saying, "Dammit, my eyes are all wet."

The Bunghole gazed at Beavis and said, " _I will miss you too my child, now GO!"_

* * *

A UFO's vid-screen was showing a clear image of Lake Titicaca. An alien muttered something and looked dismayed. "Mooo…" it said.

Rushing over to another room, he relayed the somber message that the Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman was gone. They would have to crown the reserved CEO replacement. Walking over to a large pod, the alien tapped some keys on the pad nearby and pressed the large red button on the wall.

All of the aliens aboard the UFO congregated in the ceremony hall while the UFO was running on autopilot. After a few minutes of waiting, the doors to the hall opened, and in stepped in a tubby middle aged gentleman with beady little eyes. The aliens all clapped in unison as he made his way to the paper plate in the middle of the room on the floor. It was one of the Zoo Pals plates featuring animals. This one was a duck.

On the duck plate sat a lone, raw hot dog. He smiled softly at the Zoo Pals plate before pulling his plastic silverware from his pocket protector. He bent over and slowly cut the hotdog into tiny pieces before flipping the plate over, scattering the pieces onto the floor. He began picking up the pieces and eating them right off the floor like an animal, breathing heavily. One of the aliens stepped forward, holding a cattle rod. Each one of them took turns shocking the portly man in celebration. Bob Bakish was now the President and CEO of Viacom.

Todd watched from the shadowy corner of the room. He grinned to himself. Maybe this new guy wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

Stewart shifted nervously in his desk. He had to give a speech today, and was next in line. After the horrors of the cafeteria, Stewart was prepared to speak out about how evil and disgusting swearing truly was. He knew he had to make this good. Soon enough, Van Driessen called on him to share with the class. He walked up to the front and began speaking, "As everyone knows, swearing is the worst atrocity humanity has brought to modern civilization. It's disturbing use in today's culture has created an epidemic."

Stewart took a deep breath, preparing to continue. He looked out at the crowd of students. He thought about how terrifying it had been in the cafeteria and how much he hoped this speech would rectify everything. He noticed that everyone now began to look less rigid and the strange glazed over look in their eyes was waning. He was glad. Maybe his speech was swaying them. As he continued his speech, Cartman fell from his ass. Stewart had everyone's attention now, but not in the way he wanted.

Stewart turned around and saw the boy lying on the ground, still damp from the water in the base. Stewart panicked even more. How and why did anyone fall out of his behind? His speech was doomed to fail now. Van Driessen would fail him and he would be stuck working at Burger World for the rest of his life. He decided to bend over to help him up, when Butt-Head dropped out of his ass, holding a battered and wet TV.

"Um… I don't know how this keeps happening." Stewart said out loud to the people in the audience. It did little to ease the confusion of everyone watching, since they were all chattering among themselves and no longer pretending to be interested in his speech.

Soon after, Beavis finally arrived gracefully through Stewart's anus as well. That was it. The portal had closed.

"W-why are you guys here?! How is this possible?!" Stewart finally demanded, unsure if he should be upset at his speech being derailed or concerned about his possible need for a doctor. He sure hoped this wouldn't become an everyday thing.

Beavis sat in the Terminator pose before standing up and declaring, "Ahh… travelling through people's butts… The best way to travel."

Cartman looked around, worried that they would be attacked like before. Luckily for him, everyone seemed to have returned to normal now. The water must have destroyed the control systems for the MTV-Chips. Everyone was now free. They'd set up tarps to cover the broken part of the wall caused by the fires.

Butt-Head brushed himself off and stood up. "Uhh, hey Stewart, where's our porn?"

Stewart's face turned bright red. Well, more red, at least. "I told you guys, I am not going to get you any porn. Can you please sit down so I can finish my presentation?"

Beavis was not in the mood to be denied pornography. "Dammit Stewart, you were supposed to get us porn, like, um, a long time ago! I will not stand for this! It's fucking bullshit!"

Everyone stared in shock at Beavis's words. They had never heard him say anything like that before. Luckily Van Driessen was enough of a hippie that it didn't shock him all that much.

"Now Beavis, I know that you probably had a really strange day but that's no way to speak in front of the class. Get back to your seat, m'kayyy? We can talk about how you got here later."

"No way asshole! I need to get home!" Cartman said, angry that after all he'd been through, they didn't have a parade or people cheering his name. "You guys are all fuckin' assholes! Don't you know what we had to do?!"

"Beavis and Butt-Head, I think you need to take your rude little friend home, m'kay?" Van Driessen said, pointing to Cartman. He didn't have to say much more, since Cartman already stormed out of the room.

They exited the building and noticed that the once large void in the sky was now nearly gone. They went back home, even though the house was still mostly a smoldering pile of ashes. At least the living room was partly intact. Butt-Head put the TV up and plugged it in. He tried to turn it on, but nothing happened. Butt-Head, angry at the lack of TV, kicked the side of it with all of the might his skinny legs could muster. An episode of Terrance and Phillip appeared on the screen in a burst of static and noise. Satisfied that it at least worked, he sat down on the scorched and broken couch.

"It's cool and all that you guys can watch TV, but how the hell am I supposed to get home?" Cartman asked.


End file.
